One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

Remember that game on Sesame Street where they would have 4 squares with objects or people and all but one would be related somehow? Good, lets play a round why dont we...














One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?

***
If you guessed that guy dressed like a pirate you would be correct. The Colorado Ren Fest website states that it is like a "rollicking 16th Century festival day" so what the hell is a 18th century pirate from that goddamn movie doing here? Seriously you leather mugs; just because you like to dress up and now pirates are "cool" you think, I can wear this get-up anywhere! Well, you cant so knock it off because it is driving me crazy.



On another note~ here is a wonderful little item from McSweeneys

Feelings.
When women ask you to share your feelings, I found out that they really just want to hear about love. They don't give a damn if you're feeling "patriotic and hungry."
By Dan Liebert


Happy Monday
~B

'O America

Today is America's 231st birthday. You're over the hill America. Time to invest in some adult diapers perhaps.

Some people, joking and not, have suggested that I dont really like America but that is not true. Just to prove it here's a little blog about all the wonderful things America is and has to offer.

The Declaration of Independence

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."

Have you ever read this thing? Simply amazing that people can think and write like that.

Grand Canyon and the like

America is huge and because of that we have 1.2 crap loads of beautiful places to visit.

Fireworks

Sure, no one in america invented them but seriously, do you know a country that feels it has the right to shoot off these things in the middle of a super dry summer, in violation of all kinds of laws? As if the second amendment has a fireworks provision as well. "Sir you can have this Roman Candle when you pry it from my cold dead hands!"




Voting

It is easy to Vote in this country. So easy i get annoyed at people who choose not to. It is one chance every couple of years to tell those in charge what you think. Even if you vote for a loser or a law that doesnt pass, you stood up for something and that is to be commended.


Etc Etc Etc

So here's to you America....thanks for the ability to go to school, the idea that we can grow up and be whomever we choose to be, and for this...



...yikes




~B

P.S. spangled

'O Canada

Happy Canada Day to our brethren up north.

To celebrate I thought it would be nice to discuss all things Canadian; excited? I thought you would be.

Lets start with the national anthem.

O Canada is one of the best national anthems ever. The link above will take you to an mp3 as well as the lyrics where you will find that the line is not, "We stand on god for thee" but in fact, the more sensible "We stand on guard for thee." Sensible Canadians. This could be unpatriotic but I like their theme song better then our theme song. It isnt that I hate America but we have too much going on in the Star Spangled Banner...and seriously, who uses the word spangled anymore? I promise to fit it in as many times as I can for the America Appreciation this coming Wednesday...

Now...because i am lazy, lets move right along to hockey, Canada's national pastime.

Free Agency opened yesterday and already there have been some big moves. Most notable, the Rangers are going to be good next year. They managed to lure Drury away from Buffalo and Gomez (who I find particularly vexing) from the Devils. The Red Wings lost Mathieu Schneider to the defending champ Ducks. It surprises me that Detroit didnt try and lock up a guy like that. He is getting older (17 or so years in the league) but his numbers still look good. Kariya proved that he doesnt really care about winning a cup by signing a deal with the St. Louis Blues. However, most importantly for Av fans is the signing of Ryan Smyth from the Islanders and Scott Hannan of the Sharks. Smyth is a gritty left winger who plays with some toughness in front of the net. He's a leader and since we signed him to a five year deal I would imagine that he will play that role when Joe Sakic retires after this coming season. Next June you will remember this blog... Hannan is a stay at home defensemen who doesnt score alot but plays tough. At 28, he is a young Adam Foote, someone we have sorely missed.

To follow the rest of the off-season moves check the ESPN Free Agent Tracker.

And now...because of the sandy vag here is a photo...





I'm Out

WTF?!

This morning I got up at the crack of dawnish to come to work. While in the bathroom I looked up and saw an earwig.



OH god...blech...hhhaannnnbbbeeethhhh yuck! I hate these little suckers so much. Once, i was sitting on the floor watching tv and the ex came up and said, "i dont want to freak you out but you have an earwig..." before the final words were out of his mouth i was leaping and freaking out, tearing off my shirt to get away from the vile thing. Blech indeed.

So of course i get out some tp to squish the hell out of it and guess what...its blood was tropical blue. Like the water in an outhouse blue...Like a fruity drink blue.



Isnt alien blood blue? good lord....

Music

No matter how crappy I am feeling I can always put on some music and force myself into feeling happy.

My current favorite happy song is Fight Test by The Flaming Lips.

You can read the lyrics here and listen to it (if this is your first time) here.

Sigh....arent you feeling better already?

Mine is Better Then Your's

After working 12 hours the other day, I return home to find warm homemade lasagna waiting for me. Yummers...



******

Not only was he enthusiastic about wandering out into the night to watch the space shuttle and ISS zip by, he suggested a great place to watch it and spotted it just in time...



******

He's actually excited about visiting all the goofy places I want to visit...




Lucky...

Things You Cant Afford

Apple's new iPhone

I really like these little buggers but experienced some serious sticker shock at the price. $400 for a 4 gig and $600 for an 8 gig. Seriously, at that price the damn thing better vibrate and come with a "I'm Making You Breakfast" button.



~~~
Tickets to the Yankees Games at Coors Field.

Please note here that the cheapest ticket is 25 dollars. Just one week later, if you wanna see the Mets, the tickets seem much more affordable.

The Sports Guys have been talking about this issue quite a bit. Charlie Monfort and the rockies administration have set up a tiered pricing system where "Premium" games cost more. How can the team know which games are important before the season starts, you may ask. Oh silly, the games listed as premium arent "must see's" because the team could get into the playoffs...no, they are games that will sell out so why not jack up the price and make a lot of money?

I hate shit like this. Shouldnt you keep the prices the same to reward the city for dealing with crappy baseball since the 1995 Wild Card Season? Does anybody think that the increased revenue will actually go back into the team? Yeah, I didnt think so.

That's What She Said...

I had a rather lazy weekend, which is needed every once and a while. Today I woke up and things seemed to be fine until i got to work. My whole day was shot to hell right away. Ah, well, what can you do eh? Monday's are mondays....

******
Just recently i was talking to some people about those bruises you get under your nails when you smash em. I have never had any on my fingers or toes, though i always kind of wanted one...just to look cool ya know? Anyway, today i got my wish. I think I should have wished for a pony instead. Or, no wait...damn! I should have wished for more wishes!

******
Sometime on Saturday Q and i were chatting and he made a remark to which I replied, "I don't think in 3D" What kind of insane shit is that? I mean, fuck--even dogs think in 3d. I am sure it made sense in my head at the time, but that isnt saying much for me now is it?

******
Here is an interesting, if not geeky, story about Scientists grinding spheres that will serve as the new global standard kilogram. It seems the current standard is a bar of platinum that is slowly deteriorating. I am interested in the idea that, weights and measurments have to be preserved so that what weighs 20 pounds now will still weigh that much in 50 years. That measurments 100 years ago are the same as today. Who thinks about preserving this stuff? I would imagine that most of us just take that kind of foresight for granted.

Also, the global standard kilogram has a great name...the International Prototype..I wanna take a photo of it.

******
Happy Fathers day to you fathers and fathers to be (I'm lookin at you "Chuck Norris Doesnt Sleep, He Waits")

Actually, speaking of pregnancy, has the whole world gone gay! No wait, wrong line...has the whole world gone preggo?! Big congrats to my pal Hofer who's wife is expecting a little Dieter in July.

******
Hope your monday gets better, or continues to be grand-

~B

In Recent News....

...things are not always what they appear to be.

Tada!

Let's Get Serious For a Minute

I know you are all very busy talking about Die Hard, naked men, Mocha Frappuccinos (i dont know what that is really), and maneuvers but we have a serious issue that needs to be discussed...

Mr. Wizard is Dead!!



I know, many of you may be thinking,"I didnt even know he was still alive" and I felt the same way but then I started to remember all the wonderful hours I would spend thinking, "Why cant i be a Mr. Wizard kid?" "How come my fake volcano looks like shit?" "I wish Mr. Wizard was my dad so my science fair projects would actually work."

He made learning fun and other cliches...

First 3-2-1 Contact and now this...what is happening to my childhood memories.

Nine Minutes to Space

I stayed late at work on friday so that I could watch Atlantis launch.



Did you get to see it?

Right now there are seven men orbiting the earth, latched on to the international space station. Two are currently preparing to leave the shuttle and hang out in space for a bit. Can you imagine that?

With all the months of prep and the worries about the foam and external tank the launch went smoothly. Nine minutes after take off the crew was in space racing to catch up with the space station.

Video of the launch and other interesting bits can be seen here.

Happy Monday all

Please, Sir, can I have some more?**

** To be said in your best bad British accent so as to annoy your English pals...

Has anyone else noticed that Oatmeal is a little depressing? Dont get me wrong, I enjoy it, much more then I did when it was forced upon me as a child. But there is just something very gruel-esque about the whole thing.



Geez Wilford, relax, I am eating it already...

I Got Me Some Books Smarts

Did you guys know that a pineapple doesnt grow on a tree but rather in a large pokey looking bush? Here, let me show you.



See? What the hell. Am i the only dope who thought they grew on trees?

Do you guys think they are related to the artichoke?



***********

With game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals tonight, what better way to get you in mood then this fantastical goal from Ovechkin earlier in the year.

Editors note: for some reason blogger and you tube are being bastards so there is no posting on the blog rather you must click the word...

************

Also hockey related is this excellent blog from the folks over at "And Here Come the Pretzels!"

There are countless number of sports bloggers out there. Honestly, it is astounding. To read some you can check out Orange Bucksnorts and see a list of quality sites on the right.

*************

I suppose it is about time to get back to work. Happy wed-nes-day

Damn You Oprah

Oprah, because she is so cutting edge, has selected some interesting novels for her book club. No wait, I am sorry. She has selected some of the most obvious choices because she is too busy at another O magazine photo shoot.

Her last three books have consisted of 2 Pulitzer Prize winners and one penned by a cat who won the Nobel Peace Prize; i guess that is a sure fire way to make sure you dont pick a stinker. But come on....there are so many great books out there. Why not take a chance on the book i am currently reading, The Finer Points of Sausage Dogs.

My Head Hurts

I have had a headache for three days. It is becoming a bit of a problem. I checked out my symptoms on webmd.com. Much to the commanders chagrin, it is like having your very own doctor at home (or in my case, at work). Ahh, self diagnosis.

Anyway, I guess you could classify these as migraines. What a bummer. Hopefully today will be the last of them. They are really eating into my personal time you know?

By the by, the cartoon above was snagged from The Argyle Academy, a super fantasticly fun website with neato stuff for you to buy.

It's Friday....

I'm feeling Cautiously Annoyed

"Politics is the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them." --Paul Valery

Yesterday I had a breakdown. Right there on the couch in the middle of the Colbert Report. Now, dont get me wrong, I think that Stephen Colbert is exceedingly funny. In fact, I enjoy his show more then the Daily Show. However, while watching I got disgusted at all things political.

I am so tired of this rift between the country. Republicans on one side and Democrats on the other. Conservatives vs. Liberals. I hate that all we do, on every fucking channel and in every news article, is try and come up with a clever way to skewer the other side. Every presidential candidate, on both sides, spends so much time making fun of the other party. Ripping on the current administration, bitching about the media being propaganda for the other side.

I should put it out there, right up front, that I have been one of these people that I now so despise. Perhaps I havent spit republican curses as vehemently as others, but i have still participated. I would like to think I am a little wiser (no snickering from the peanut gallery) and a little more mature...maybe I have just spent a little time around people I thought I knew. Turns out, things are much more complex...

With that being said...how can we get anything accomplished with all this complaining and cursing. No one in congress is interested in getting anything done, they just want to prevent the "other side" from getting their items passed. All the presidental candidates spend hours each day telling the media jokes about john edwards' hair dresser and bush's lack of intelligence. I dont give a fuck how you voted for the war in iraq...what i care about is how you are going to deal with it in 18 months. I care about what the government is going to do about health care, abortion, social security, security abroad and at home, the environment. I want to hear about plans for the future.

"A politician thinks of the next election - a statesman of the next generation."
- James Freeman Clarke

I want a statesman.

I want to be able to discuss issues without having to defend my party. I want to be able to talk about current events with a friend without them having to justify their vote eight years ago. I am tired of the news focusing on how Sen. Clinton used her private jet and asking candidates how they would deal with a terrorist plot straight out of a horrible Steven Segal movie..."Okay Gov. Romney, lets say you're at a Penguins-Kings game and you get word there is a bomb in the rink..."

What is it going to take to get this country on track? I am not asking for our leaders to play nice and get along. I am not that dumb. I just want us to focus on issues that are important to us. I want us to try and do what is in the best interest of the country and not just our party.

Is it going to take some sort of plague to wipe out half of the country? I've read The Stand so I know how that will end. What about a natural disaster to kill off some people and maybe focus the rest of us? Oh wait...I know how that will turn out too.

Look, i am not trying to defend anyone or put anyone down. I just want to know that some politician somewhere is focused on making a difference. Hell, even if i dont agree with his stance, as long as he is doing it for the right reasons, it is a step...

"Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody."
- Franklin Pierce Adams

Wouldnt it be nice to vote for someone for once?

I hate to suggest that it is just politicians who are to fault. Everyone is so angry with the other party. The media folks, the guy sitting next to you at the bar, your mother. Everyone is just filled with this rage..anger can be a great thing but we have all seemed to focus it on people rather then on action for a better world.

*******

Holy Crap

So, I am still in the midst of Collapse, By Jared Diamond. I am on page 365 and honestly, it feels like it has taken a year to get this far. The book isnt bad but could use some serious editing. There are nuggets of information that blow me away still, which is why I am determined to finish it. This one made me blurt out, "Holy Crap!":

"For instance, between 1972 and 1997 there were flow stoppages on the lower Yellow River (China's second largest river) in 20 out of the 25 years, and the number of days without any flow increased from 10 days in 1988 to the astonishing total of 230 days in 1997."

230 days?? That is insane. Can you even imagine that?

I am beginning to think we are all screwed....

Cherries Jubilee

I woke up in a bit of a grumpy mood. Not for any real reason but there it is nonetheless. I decided that I will not take off my hooded sweatshirt even if it is unprofessional. What a rebel eh?

Someone brought in cherries today. Every time I eat one i can hear my mother yelling, "You're gonna get the runs!" It sounds strange but there is a back story to it, i promise. When I was in kindergarten i was living in the Edge. We had a barn shaped house and six huge cherry trees in the front yard. I really liked the trees and ever summer someone would pick the fruit. Sometimes i would climb up and eat cherry after cherry, leading to my mother's warning about diarrhea-usually shouted at me across the yard.

I loved that house and that yard and those cherry trees. I did hate that when the fruit would drop it would rot on the ground making it just miserable to walk outside with no shoes on. Nothing it worse then walking barefoot and stepping in something squishy--unless what you stepped in wasnt a cherry but was, in fact, dog crap. I didnt have to worry about that because we didnt have a dog. Actually we did have a dog for a very short while...graham cracker. But he or she (i dont remember now) ran away--i think. Not that walking barefoot was safe you know? I mean...once i stepped on a bee. That sucked.

***

Quickly, i had a nice birthday and want to thank everyone for making it so. I am lucky to have such great friends, except for Mr. Squishy who was rude all night long but i still keep him around because he is a lesbian in a man's body.

An especially ginormous thanks to Q who has proved, again, to be the best boyfriend ever by listening to things that i say.

***

I briefly want to mention something that is beginning to drive me bonkers. "The Hills at Piney Creek" "The Shops at Southlands" etc etc. I am sure I am not the only person to have noticed this trend. I think it could possibly be the lamest bit of marketecture (thanks Q) that i have ever heard. The worst yet was a sign on a bath improvement store on Kalamath and 6th called "The Baths at Denver" or some other such nonsense. Blech....

***

Keep your chin up everyone, friday (and a long weekend) are just around the corner.

How Are You Bird?

Why, I am cautiously optimistic.





And yourself?

***************

I had a nice weekend but am very sleepy. The exciting tales about how I almost fell off the bridge at the royal gorge and how I got sand in my pants will have to wait til tomorrow.

Tweet tweet

B

Get Bent

Here is what is driving me crazy today:

"Are working moms to blame for chubby kids?" Seriously? Are working dads to blame for chubby kids? Nope, just working moms because everyone knows that my vagina allows me to cook healthy meals! Wow, how powerful my vagina is! Who knew?!

"If you're a female singer, you'd better be sexy." Women have to be sexy to get a recording contract and last night Q and I saw Rufus Wainwright wearing lederhosen on Letterman. That just seems like a raw fucking deal right?

"Gorilla injures two in zoo escape." Fucking gorillas...

*********

Last night i was crusing through the cable channels at warp speed when I caught the beginning of Jack Van Impe. This guy is truly insane. I saw him the first time in college and every week he tells you about how any moment jesus is coming back. He bolsters his proof of christs' immanent return with news articles that his wife digs up. Her name is Rexella. She sounds like a Japanese monster and she talks like a squeaky mouse. Just recently it seems that Rexella bought her self...um, i mean, earned herself a PhD. Nice eh? I hope someday to get my doctorate in prophetical studies or some other nonsense.

*********

Tomorrow is the beginning of Q and my Mystery Weekend. I know where we are going, do you? Wanna guess? I'll give a special prize if you guess right!

*********

The most important holiday of all is approaching. Yes, more important then easter or xmas or even your birthday...that's right, MY birthday. Have you already made your checks out to my favorite charity, Nelnet Student Loans? Come on people, it's for charity!

******************

Okay, it is friday so enjoy the nice weather and the weekend!

~B

Why You Makin' That Funny Face Bird?

It tastes like something crawled up and died in my mouth. I believe the culprit is the Apex Mixed Berry Bar that i snagged from the cupboard while leaving the house this morning. Mixed Berry is a bit of a misnomer as the only "berry" is raspberry flavored fruit pieces. I suppose you can call it mixed berry if you mix raspberry juice and elderberry juice with cranberries. Berry is a word that starts to look insane if you read it over and over again.

Needless to say, i didnt finish the nutritious and not so delicious energy bar. I think the engery comes from sprinting to the trash can to spit the vile thing out.

And Again...

Remember that scene in Star Wars, the second one, where they are leaving the planet Hoth and Leia had to go on the ship with Han and then the hyperspace thing wasnt working so after they were out of danger she was working on it. There was a part where she was welding something then she is monkeying around with it. Trying to get it to close and it wont and you are watching her thinking, "that thing wasnt meant to close obviously. Why is she having such a hard time with it? How in gods name did she hurt herself just trying to turn it?" That was me today with the stupid fucking stapler. I even hurt myself...though there was no Han to call me uptight and lay one on me.

As an aside...while double checking the spelling of Leia's name I came across this website. Seriously, that is someone who maybe has too much interest in Star Wars. Does it surprise you that this is the webmaster?



I didnt think so...


Which reminds me of the Conan thing where Triumph interviews the people waiting outside for the opening of the star wars movie. Holy Crap how I laughed and laughed. Here is a link to the video...


Hope you enjoy and have a great day my pretties...

B

For Q

Poop McGee

I saw a story on the CNN website about a student who posted a photo of herself on myspace with the caption "Drunken Pirate." It seems that her professors saw it and decided not to issue her teachers license.

Now...first of all, I am all about being professional. I mean, here i am at work blogging so-obviously i am a kick ass worker right? I can support the idea of holding people to higher standards but this seems to be a bit over the top to me. Or maybe what bothers me is that we are so tough on teachers-to-be but not so tough on governmental officials or priests or someone who has some actual power.


*****

After some tasty ice cream with the texas rangers (the whole team) last night Q and i went to see spiderman 3. Ready for some spoilers??!! Spider Man has a twin!! No wait, that isnt a spoiler...that's just a lie. Here is my quick review of the movie, in conversation form.

Bird: What?
Q: I dont know?
B: Seriously, what the hell is going on.
Q: Shhhh

Yes so, take what you will from that.

The best part of the whole night was that some guy behind us was taping the film and a guy on the end of the row looked like he wet his pants.

*******

I chose Stormello in the Kentucky Derby, moments before it ran. I looked at the names and picked the one I liked. Stormello came in 19th. Lamello is more like it. I just came up with that joke....and it shows.

*******

Mothers' Day is this weeked (your welcome) and the little tiny store near my house has the giant mothers day cards. Do you think that I could mail one of those?



Okay, play time is over folks. I must get back to it.

Tweet~

Random Notes

I feel compelled to write today which I think will end badly for me. I am grouchy and crabby and annoyed which can only lead to poor writing and a general feeling of hatred for all man kind.

Today is May 1st.
See up at the top where it says May 1st? Yep. I can hardly believe that (SHAMELESS REQUEST FOR GIFTS) my birthday is only 21 days away, and counting! Time just shoots right on past us whether we want it to or not.

Happy May Day whether you be a communist or a pagan hippie.


Tons-of-Fun Count
I am avoiding TOF like the plague...or the plaque which is how i initially typed it. ("I am not an Indian Chief, Chief of Police, or a chef...I'm dumb")
I was going to have munpe q set me up with a counter so i could tally how many days have gone by with out speaking to her. Sadly, as i was typing this bit she asked me for something and I had to help her...although you will be happy to hear that I was unfriendly and curt. That says curt you pervs.

Jared Diamond
It seems to me that Mr. Diamond doesnt like archaeologists or anthropologists very much. I am currently reading Collapse and am enjoying it...however (beware of the ides of march and however's) he often says things like "I dont like archaeologists or anthropologists" No wait..that is just a lie. He says things like, "...many or most european and american anthropologists...are horrified at the thought of it (cannibalism) being practiced by peoples that they admire and study..." Seriously Jared, there are a lot of arch's out there with white mans guilt (as I call it) but lots of us understand that native americans are just people, like everyone else. In fact, i myself wrote a paper supporting cannibalism in 1998. Suprisingly enough, both Diamond and myself refer to the same site in Colorado, Cowboy Wash. Still, it is an interesting book and I would recommend it to others...just know that all archaeologists arnt such homers.



I am going to get back to work...because I just read an article where someone quoted David Halberstam, "Being a professional is doing your job on the days you don't feel like doing it."

Damn you Halberstam...

Tonight...You

Query

Hey Bird, What's Buggin You?


Two Posibilities....




Bugs





Or You


************

There are a number of ways you can locate my blog. Googling "Farmington is Horrible" is one way...

These days are ours, Happy and Free (Those Happy Days)

I am feeling especially exurberant today. Everything and everyone that is important to me seems to be making me happy today, whether they are trying to or not. Often I take this as an omen of bad things to come...life's nasty little game of building you up only to tear you down. However, today I am choosing to just live in the moment and enjoy things as they come along.

*********

As i was googling the lyrics to Happy Days i realized that there is no consensus on many of the lines. One thing there is a consensus on...the Fonz was rad. Also, google is a cinch to install! (ahh...that joke never gets old)

******

I was able to yell Marty McSorley three times at lunch today.







Alright...I hope you all are having a wonderful hump day.

B

Well, Slap My Ass and Call Me Sally

I read a story on the local NBC website that made me shoot coffee out my nose (not recommended by the way).

First a quick peek into my geekiness...
I love many things political. Debates, voting, and i must admit city council meetings. Q and I have attended at least one meeting for the city we live in...sadly only one. But in our defense....we are lazy. No wait, the meetings are at an inconvenient time and we are lazy.

When we are sitting on our couch not going to council meetings we often watch the Aurora City Council on Television (SLACKER GEEK!). I believe that their chambers (or whatever the hell they are called) were designed by the guy who did the fireplace in Citizen Kane.




Seems a bit much to me but what do I know. They have a huge auditorium and you can tell that there is nobody in attendence. Kind of sad. However, they deal with some great stuff. People contantly underestimate what is going on in their town...or maybe they just dont care.

So, this article is about Aurora City Councilwoeman Molly Markert, which sounds like a weather girl's name right? Anyway, I have seen her on the "show" before. She never really impressed me but, honestly, very few did. I guess that on Tuesday she announced her bid for re-election...just one week after slaping or pushing a Smoky Hill School Official out of the way and saying "Do you know who I am?"

I suppose he does now and my guess is that she has lost at least one vote.


Bestest Friday to you All

~~b

Two Questions

The first is rather benign; can anyone out there think of a reason that you would intentionally roll your windows down before locking it and going inside the building for work? There is some cat here at the building (a cubs fan it would seem) who drives up with his windows up, rolls them down, locks the doors (a waste of time? maybe he has one of those cobra alarm systems-which always seemed like something out of a g.i. joe cartoon), and goes inside. It could be that he doesnt want his car to get hot but, I have seen his car with the windows down in late winter and it is only supposed to be 60 degrees and windy here today. But honestly, what other reason could there be right? If i see him again I may just have to break down and speak to him.

Oh, as a quick aside, I finally saw The Pee. Yeah, pretty exciting. It is a woman but, she does have a horse face. More on that in another blog.

The second question relates to the recent tragedy in Virginia. Do you think that all this talk about what the police did or didnt do, what the mental health system did or didnt do, what university officials did or didnt do, do you think that all of this takes away from what actually happened; that 33 families have lost someone they cared about? Doesnt it seem like the bigger questions (what makes someone do something like this, how can we help these people before it happens again, etc etc) are getting lost amid the "how come you didnt know this was going to happen" kind of questions.

Everyone seems to forget that hindsight is 20/20. Of course now all the "signs" point to school shooter but in the midst of it all, it pointed to an obviously mentally ill kid. I remember reading a letter sent to the Denver Post after 9-11 asking why someone didnt predict this was going to happen. The "obvious" sign for them, September 11th, 9-11 911....duh! (by the way...i stoped reading the letters to the editor after that)

My point is, after a tragedy it is really easy to point out all the things that should have been done. Life isnt that nice though, you work with what you have and hope that it turns out for the best. I hope that soon we can stop going over and over the what-if's, the if-only's, and focus on the how-it-is.

Killers Among Us

I was going to post about this lame ass couple from Colorado that annoyed me this week. (Please note that I deleted the girlscout cookie photo after girl and geek replaced it with a photo of someones cock--to teach me a lesson about stealing what must have been 58MB of bandwidth from them--though they werent brave enough to sign their names...)

The killings in Virginia put a bit of a damper on that though. Instead I have only good thoughts for folks at Virginia Tech. Everyone be safe and tomorrow I will share a story about the shootings that happened at UNC while I attended.



Sleepy sleepy bird

Feeling Better

Today i woke up with a raging headache and see what that lead to?

I guess somedays I can control the rage inside and somedays I cant.

What could be making me feel breathless today you ask?

Here's a list of posibilities

* Sweet Potato

* Squash

* Carrot

* Taro

* Green Bean

* Non-hydrogenated Canola Oil

* Dextrin

* Sea Salt

* The fact that this food item was made in Vietnam and is most likely tainted with Agent Orange

Rage 2.0

I woke up in a foul mood. My head hurt and i was just hating the world. These kinda days usually go one of two ways. Sometimes i push for "happy" and listen to music and think about all the wonderful things in the world. Other times I go for "raging bitch" and this is what you get...

Two Minutes Hate
I read a headline yesterday that said, "Oil Exec. Takes Home 400m in 2006" Today i see more headlines about the price of gas rising for the 10th straight week, and how gas will top out 11 whole cents cheaper then last year. These stories make me so fucking angry. There is a person making $400,000,000.00 a year. A year people...and we are paying 3 bucks for gas. I refuse to believe that his salary and the rising gas prices are somehow not connected. I am so fucking sick of stories about how we need to drill in Alaska because the cost of gas will go down. About how much crude oil costs and that is why gas is expensive. Fuck you! Our own countrymen are ass-raping us so they can have the really really nice jet and what can we do about it. Not a goddamned thing. Nothing. All you can do, honestly, are things for yourself. You can buy a car that uses less gas, prius or hell even a Honda. You can take public transportation and carpool. You can adjust your driving so that you are more efficient. You can do research on sites like GasBuddy.com for cheap gas. But if you think that calling your congressman, or signing a fucking petition is going to do anything then you are out of your mind.

******
Sexism and Racism in the news after Imus' stupid comments on his radio show. Lots of people are hoping that this will give us all an opertunity to discuss race and gender issues in the open. Please...while i would love to have an open and frank conversation about race and sex in this country, it just wont ever happen. I just finished a book that I would highly recomend, "The Mismeasure of Man". In it, Stephen Jay Gould takes on the idea of biological determinism. Excellent book that kind of left me feeling less certain about race relations in the modern world. Honestly, any minority doesnt stand a chance trying to change decades upon decades of racisim and sexism. These ideas--that african americans are only good at sports and music (Wow, that Barak Obama sure does speak well, as if we expected him to throw gang signs and nod his head the whole time),that women are not as smart as men (oh you're a male paralegal, so you must be getting your law degree...oh you're a male nurse so you must be studying for your MCAT),that the poor deserve to be poor because they are lazy (if you are on welfare you must not be working or even trying), these ideas have been around in some fashion for centuries. Not only that, they are perpetrated by our own kind. In my case, I dont know how many women I have met that act dumb rather then challenge a guy. It all feels too big. At a moment when I feel more comfortable with the state of the world, that we are progressing, something like 9-11 happens and now there is a new group of people for us all to hate, Muslims. Hell, watch Borat at the rodeo. If you think those people are in the minority it is time to get out and see the rest of the country.

******
Every goddamn person is self-absorbed and completely unaware of everything and everyone around them. I am so fucking tired of seeing people being selfish, whether it is something as simple as driving like a d-bag or as serious as blowing off people that should be important to you.

I suppose I should retitle this post the Loathing of Humainty

Hater

I feel inspired to blog about things I hate. Dont you feel lucky this monday morning?!

1. Tons-of-Fun
She is condescending and rude to every single person here. She has fat sausage arms and cant reach around to comb the back
of her head. She has no waist (very Penguin like) so she wears her ginormous floral print skirts under her boobs. I am usually
a very friendly person (no, it's true!) but I can say that I detest this woman and hope that i dont get the boot because i said something
nasty to her.

2. Oprah
She has no training of any kind and yet, has no qualms about telling everyone on her show, in her audience, and at home, how
screwed up they all are. She picked an absolutely amazing book for her lame-o book club and then threw a hissy fit when the author
said he didnt want her book club stamp on it (a move i totally agree with since I myself refuse to read any book she has picked).
She gives away crap on her show all the time but you know it is just because she wants people to like her. She appears on the of
cover of every issue of her magazine. For christs sake, does she need more face time?

3. Mondays
Somebody's got a case of the Mondays!

4. JB's in Cars
Seriously, have you ever had to stop yourself from ramming a car in front of you. Sat there really thinking about whether or not you
could make the police officer believe that the driver you slammed into had suddenly stopped? Debated your current wage, your
insurance premiums, the amount of possible damage..."Could i swing it?"

5. Lotto Winners
Fuck that and fuck you movies...

6. The Avalanche
Honestly, is there a team that has handled the salary cap worse then "Your Colorado Avalanche!" Not making the playoffs is a
serious disgrace. But what is worse, in my opinion, is playing so well as of late. Why the hell didnt you guys have this sense of
urgency after the all-star break? Why the hell didnt you guys play tough all year? I expect some serious changes over on Chopper
Circle and if you are any kind of fan you will be hoping for the same...

************************

Okay, it is time for me to get back to work...did I mention work as one of the things I am hating right now??


~tweet

You Look Like a Monkey....

Somebody is having a birthday...who could it be.



Why, it's my big bro Sklimps. Ah yes, he turns 31 today and i had to blog and wish him the happiest of happy birthdays.

Sklimps often visits the website and now you can read his excellent sports blog here. If you like sports and general intelligent reading i believe you will enjoy it.

Lets see what can i say about the bro...

He had what, like 25 heart attacks last year. He can be angry (must run in the family). He is most likely my smartest sibling, although the Commander is pretty impressive too. He is very funny, yet, not as funny as me. He is a big softy although you probably wouldn't guess that by looking at him. He is there when I need him and that means a lot.

Much love to sklimps; may the beer flow freely and maybe you can get a little action eh?

~tweet tweet went the bird

So much to say...

What is the deal with vacations ?




They give me great ideas for blogs and yet, when i return there is a serious lack of writing going on.

Strange indeed

Cats vs Dogs

Here is a story about a dog that jumped up and down on its owners chest because the dog saw that the woman was beating her chest trying to dislodge a piece of apple. So the dog kinda performed the hindlick...i mean Heimlich on her.

A cat would wait for you to die and then eat your face.

This is Your Bird on Drugs

I think I have accidentally taken steroids. Certainly I have ingested some kind of illegal substance.

See, I have been craving fruit for months and months. Sadly, it being winter, there is a lack of good fruit at the stores. Everytime I see "fruit cup" on the menu i get excited until I remember that it is just going to be some melon and bad pineapple and grapes.

So, today as I was heading for work I remembered that there was a smoothie king nearby. I had never been before but I thought it would be nice and maybe satisfy my fruit craving, if only for a while.

I walk in and am assaulted by tubs of shake mixes and supplements. Did I accidentally walk into a GNC? Seriously, it was out of control. I would have just left but it was one of those awkward moments where you are the only person in the store and the counter guy was looking at me, waiting. I had to order something.

I browsed through the menu thinking, "no i dont want a carb supplement. Um...what the fuck is that?" I ended up getting a drink that sounded the least like the Cream and the Clear.

If i start growing chest hair and my boobs shrink I am gonna be so pissed.

12 Signs You May Be a Criminal

...According to Cesare Lombroso (19th Century Italian Physician and founder of "criminal anthropology")

 

1.   enormous jaws

 

2.   high cheek bones

 

3.   prominent superciliary arches

 

4.   solitary lines in the palms

 

5.   extreme size of the orbits

 

6.   handle-shaped ears found in criminals, savages and apes

 

7.   insensibility to pain

 

8.   extreme acute sight

 

9.   tattooing

 

10. excessive idleness

 

11. love of orgies

 

12. the irresponsible craving of evil for its own sake, the desire not only to extinguish life in the victim, but to mutilate the corpse, tear its flesh and drink its blood.

 

 

 

 

****************

I dont know about you but the last one kinda seemed like a no brainer right?

Happy Birthday Thunderpussy!!

Bathroom Stalker

The Fast Pee lady made an appearance today. I was washing my hands when she came in but I didnt look over (i hate the, "lets chat while we empty our bladders" thing. I end up sitting next to a chatterbox [get it get it?] and having a talk and then pee after they leave.) All i noticed was a blur of brown. She seemed tall. As I was struggling with the paper towels i heard it...the machine gun sound.

Damn! Why hadnt I looked at her/his face! Curse my pee-issues!

I decided that lurking around outside the bathroom and waiting for the person to emerge and then screaming "AHHHAA!!", might not be the best idea.

I have narrowed it down a bit though. The Pee doesnt work in my office and since there is only one other company on our floor I cant imagine it will be much longer until I finally figure it out. I can hardly wait.

Sleepy Bird

PS Hey Angelina, there are plenty of kids in this country that no one wants to adopt either. How about picking up one of them too?

Hypocrisy

Newt Gingrich recently admitted to having an affair while pushing for Clinton's impeachment during the Monica Lewinsky incident. While this isnt really news since it was suspected at the time, I got very angry.

There are a couple of things I just cant stand; abuse of kids and animals, Dominick Hasek, and this holier-then-thou bullshit that "christians" pull all the time.

Now, before I go any further...I have no problem with christians or any one religion. Sure, I am bitter in my own way but what you do is for you and if it helps you in whatever way more power to you. (that's a lotta you's) I have a couple of friends who are christians and i really respect them. They are more then willing to answer all my silly questions and never try and convert me. They have a relationship with god and it is theirs alone.

I can perhaps illustrate my point better with a story. In the 'edge, where I went to high school, there were 10+ churches for a town just under 2000. Like so very many of us, my parents were divorced and I lived with just one parent. I always got the pity thing from all my friends parents. Good christians who have been married for 20+ years. Oh poor Bird, she only has her father around. It must be so hard...it must be so sad...she must be so messed up. Turns out, while my parents had their issues (lots and lots of issues) my friends religious parents had even more. Alcoholism, affairs, crazy unhappiness. Of my close pals, I am the child of divorce and I am also the one who escaped high school without a child, a marriage, a drug problem (mostly), a horribly low self esteem (again, mostly). The point is...I am not a christian and I am not perfect but I am doing just fine.

However, all day long we are bombarded by those who wish to convert. The worst of all these are those political types. The republicans who run on the platform of "Family Vlaues". Guys like...oh, lets say Mark Foley. I am sure you remember the Rep from Florida who left the capitol in late September after he admitted to sending sexually explicit messages to an underage male page. Ahh, yes...Family Values. These are the people that I dislike so much. These are the people who will stand up and scream about how homosexuality is immoral and in the meantime stop off at their mistress' house for a blow job.

Guys like Ted Haggard make me sick. They preach about values and about faith and they judge others unworthy and then, you see that they have been living a lie...right in front of everyone. Yet still they judge. The New Life Church says that they support Haggard and his 12 step "pray the gay away" program (that's Q's little gem not mine fyi). The hypocrisy of it all just kills me.

That is why Gingrich's admission to Lou Dobbs (another complete douchebag who you know has some skeletons) made me so angry. The whole lewinsky situation was crazy out of control...and here is Newt, trying to take down a president while getting his knob bobbed by some collegue.

I dont mean to say that all republicans are liars or cheats. Trust me, dems are no better. I guess it is just the GOP's turn to look like a fool. I am sure that in the next several months we will get our chance.

Also, can you imagine a president named Newt?

Uncanny

Everyone here is a grouch today. It is supposed to be a day of happiness since it's friday but sadly, everyones boss is making everybody do crappy jobs that no one likes. Lemme tell ya, having gotten 5 hours of sleep last night, I could care less if you have a crappy copy job. Fucking lighten up.

Needless to say, I am struggling hard to keep my decent mood. Nothing is worse then a sleep deprived bitchy bird...

So, i read an article this moring about a sicko who tried to kidnap a little girl. I noticed that the sketch of the man looks remarkably like our former Gov. Bill Owens. See for yourself and tell me what you think...






Uncanny indeed...

Estoy Apesadumbrado

I know that i should be blogging but honestly, i dont feel like I have anything worthy of writing about.

 

I read a story about this woman in colorado springs who woke up from a vegetative state after 6 years.  She was awake for 3 days and then slipped back.  It seems that she does this over and over again, though usually she isnt awake for very long.

 

The story said she saw her 12 year old daughter and 3 grandchildren.  Can you imagine that?  I mean, on both sides.  For the family you just have to wait and see when she wakes up again and then get as much time in as possible.  For the woman, she just wakes up to a whole new world.  Living a life in leaps and bounds.

 

It sounds like a great book idea and if someone writes it I expect some sort of compensation, dig?

Lunchtime Means Blogtime

"Scientists use computer to control bird's flight"

Get the F*%^ outta my brain you damn scientists!

*******
The NHL trade deadline came and went with the Avalanche declaring to the world,
"I think I will have another beer, thanks and could i get somethi.....oh crap, the deadline! I had forgotten all about this season."

I know most of you could give two craps about the NHL at this point and I can relate a bit. I have been a big time hockey slacker this season. My fantasy team is languishing in the bottom of the league and I hardly know what is going on anymore. What i do know is that the avs re-acquired Scott Parker from San Jose. Yeah, re-read that and let it sink in. I have no idea what the Avs were thinking. I mean, none at all. I could try and write something clever but really, Lord Stanley did a better job. Check out his comments here.

*******
Speaking of Hockey...

Q let me in on a set of emails between him and his co-worker Pile; for your amusement...

----- Original Message -----
From: Pile
To: Bulldog; Munpe Q
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:39:18 2007
Subject: Tony Granato

Is eating across from me in Subway.

----- Original Message -----
From: Pile
To: Bulldog; Munpe Q
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:47:15 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato

Joel Quenville just walked in.

----- Original Message -----
From: Munpe Q
To: Pile
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:48:27 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato


Tell him to quit fucking up the Avs defense.

----- Original Message -----
From: Pile
To: Munpe Q
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:49:32 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato

I just let him cut in front of me at the soda machine.

----- Original Message -----
From: Munpe Q
To: Pile
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:50:06 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato

Check him into the lids.

----- Original Message -----
From: Pile
To: Munpe Q
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:50:48 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato

Nice. Hip check into the chips. Film at 10.

------Original Message------
From: Munpe Q
To: Pile
Sent: Wed Feb 28, 2007 12:52:05 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato

Poke check him in the junk.

*****
Ahh yes....the poke check...


Enjoy that snow all you Denverites.

~B

Pee-Pee Time

There is a woman somewhere on our floor who's pee, I swear, can break the sound barrier.  Honestly, it is going Mach 1.  It is the Top Gun of pee.

 

The force at which it hits the water is truly stunning!  It comes in spurts and sounds like a machine gun....you know the sound I'm talking about.

 

I dont know who this woman is--hell, I am not even sure if it is a woman--but her pee scares me a little.

 

 

Also, one of the funniest things that I overheard Q say the other day...

"Hey-I dont want to see your baby squirrel..."

 

 

The Early Bird Gets an Udi Burrito and a Cup-a-Joe

So it hit me, right at Mississippi and 225, "The call is coming from inside the house!"

...at least, that is how it felt.

Let me go back and explain a bit--

The birdmobile was way overdue for an oil change and brake repair. I always take the car to the best mechanic in the world even though his shop is in Golden and my house is in E-470 Centennial. I mean, the guys name is Buddy...how can you go wrong.

Q was a great help, dropping the car off on wed-nes-day and taking me into work the next morning. That night we go to get the car and I have a momentary worry when I cant remember if my checkbook is in the car or not.

"Yes, I'm sure of it. 100%," I say, which should have been the sign that i was totally screwed. I get to the car and what do you know; no checkbook. "But I could have sworn..." We end up "stealing" my car and I vow to get up early and drive over before the shop opens up at 8am. A serious vow for a chica who's shovelbum co-workers call sleepyhead.

This morning the alarm goes off at 5am-but it doesnt matter because I havent been able to sleep since around 3am. Something is bothering me and i cant figure out what. I get dressed in the dark-get in the car and take off-kinda laughing at myself. Silly bird...

I actually like driving so it isnt so horrible, especially at this hour with no traffic---and that's when my brain finally puts it together. Oh...My...God

My planner---My bag---girl scout cookies

My checkbook is in my planner in my bag which was in my hand as i unlocked the car door. It was in the seat next to me as I rifled through the center console. It was brushing up against my hand as I plunged elbow deep to check the pockets in my bag.

Awwwwww fuck. "The call is coming from inside the house," was the first thing that popped outta my mouth.

What can you do but laugh at yourself right? Which brings me to my

Two Minutes Hate

Something I havent done in a long time...

What is going through the heads of those people who weave in and out of semi-congested traffic? I mean...are they just crusing along thinking, "Wheeeeee" or do they think it makes them look cool? Are they so arrogant that they dont feel the cold hand of fate reaching for them?

Sometimes I pretend that there must be some kind of emergency; family memebers dead or dying-wife giving birth in the backseat. But at 6am? Honestly are you just that excited to get to your little cube? To sit at your cramped little desk and start selling your life insurance or managing peoples portfolios? I dont get it. Is it that you have a tiny dick?

If my friend drove like that I would punch him in the face. I would bloody his nose. Yes, I am looking at you Carl, Mr. "I invented the Arnold Palmer" If you do this please visit my profile on the right, near that fetching photo and send me an email telling me what the fuck you're thinking.

Oh...Snap!

Obama: Look at you in your damn pants-suit...

Clinton: What did you just say to me?

Obama: I said you make me sick

Clinton: Oh, I'm gonna make you sick alright...

Bits and Pieces...

I am feeling strange. Weird headaches, what I can assume are hot flashes, easily annoyed by stupid co-workers. I think that part of my problem is that I am wearing shoes. See, these are the kind of days that I wear my chacos



I think that I release heat from my feet. I have serious barefoot issues (happily, no pregant and barefoot issues though!)

Anyway, i dont feel like working the last thirty minutes of my work day so I will blog instead. Arent you lucky!

I saw this company name today...Centrifuge Solutions. I was so excited because i was hoping this company had all the answers to my centrifuge needs. Turns out they are an internet phone company. Or something like that. Lame

Also, here is a photo of my favorite flower. I couldnt remember the name...turns out they are Gerberas and not, "those one kind that look like daises but have those tiny petals inside of the bigger petals"



Nice eh? Anyone know if these colors are natural or what? That orange is insane.


Here is a strange thing that my older brother is doing. Rate My Fridge. I invite you all to sign up and post a photo. I shall take photos tonight and you shall all get to see deep into my soul...deep. So very deep. I look forward to seeing your soul as well (I sounded crazy just then)

It's Time For Another Episode of America's Favorite New Gameshow...

...Tim Hardaway, Former Heat Guard, Is An Asshole!

Host: Let's welcome our guest, Tim Hardaway!



*applause*

H: Hello Tim, and Welcome to You're An Asshole!

Tim Hardaway: It's great to be here!

H: Awesome! Let's get started!

*applause*

H: Tim, for 100 points, let's say your gay...

TH: "You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known...I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States."

H: CONGRATULATIONS! You've just won...

Audience: YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!

*applause*

*Cue Cheesy Music*


~~~~~~~~~~


If it makes anyone feel any better Tim later apologized for the remarks saying, "Yes, I regret it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said I hate gay people or anything like that. That was my mistake"

Aww...who can still be mad after something so genuine as that?


~B

As An Aside...

I just got a call from Alec Baldwin.  He said my hair was pretty.

 

Damn right...

L is for the way you Laugh at me...

Is that not the right lyric? It seems to fit somehow...

Many (and that is a relative word) of you may have come here to read my rant about Valentines Day and how evil it is. However, as you can see from last years post I have gotten a bit softer, perhaps a bit wiser.

Still, dont get me wrong. I think a lot of people royally screw up the day for themselves but I suppose it doesnt have to be all bad.

So today, instead of ranting, I am going do a quick recap of headlines related to LOVE.

First...Did you guys read that article about Love on CNN.com? It wasnt a shocker or anything, wow your brain shows activity when you think romantic thoughts, surprise surprise. What I thought was interesting was that it was the exact same area that "lights up" so to speak, when you use cocaine. See...if you are lonely there is a quick fix answer! Thanks Science!

Also...a love triangle story out of Greeley--Go Bears! Really, this is like a soap. What i like best about this story so far is that she was pulled over by her husband...solid.

Finally, Hindu activists are protesting V-Day in New Delhi. It seems that, 'Valentine's Day promotes obscene cards and nudity and encourages our youngsters to be publicly affectionate in parks and other places -- this is against our ancient civilisation,' said Jai Bhagwan Goyal, head of Shiv Sena in the capital.

Hmm, maybe I could get into the whole love thing if i got some obscene cards from someone....you listening Q?



If you celebrate, may you get hundreds of tiny cut out hearts with heart doilies glued to them...

If you dont, have a happy wednesday and enjoy the cheap candy sales at the grocery store tomorrow

Yumm...

I am eating my very first girl scout cookie of the year. MMmm....really what could be better then that?


grub grub goes the bird

5 Year Old Bitch and Moan

Five years ago, on December 2nd, I was driving down a hill near a hospital. Rolling along, foot off the gas- I hit 40mph. A police officer standing at the bottom of the hill clocked me going 5 over the limit. He waves me to the side of the road.

"Here it is," I think, "the first time I have been pulled over." I am actually kind of excited because I think that maybe he will see my long driving history with no tickets and realize that i dont really deserve one. Foolish? Perhaps but it was the first time i had ever been pulled over.

He walks up to the car and doesnt ask for my license or registration. He says instead, "Here's your ticket. You were going 40 in a 35 (he shows me the radar gun readout). Sign here unless you want to go to court and protest the ticket." Dumbfounded I sign. "Here," he shoves the ticket into my hand and walks away. Back to his car ready to nail another person rolling down the hill.

That's it. He wasnt nice and i didnt even get a chance to tell him he was popping my cherry (gross). I paid 100-somethin and he took two points from my license.

Today, I got a copy of my MVR and this ticket was the only thing on it...stupid cop!

I suppose I should be happy that the last ticket i received was in New Mexico. That police officer pulled me over near roswell going 86 in a 65. Yikes. He was very nice and we chatted up archaeology a bit. He wasnt even phased by my rental car insurance. Then he dropped my ticket to 85 in a 65 saving me 100+ bucks. I kinda hoped he would let me off but...that one i deserved.

Safe driving folks!!

Tweet

Jump Back...I Wanna Kiss Myself

That's right, I'm super bad.

Three things I wanted to mention popped into my head this morning. Four actually...and now a fifth. Damn, there's a little peek into my brain right?

Anyway

In no particular order..

#1 James Brown is still not buried?! How is this possible?

#2 The Grey Poupon guy is dead! Sadness. I am predicting a rash of jokes when people realize this. The actor (who's name is not 'the grey poupon guy' but Ian Richardson) was in Brazil. What a great film that was..please do see it if you havent already. If you have, how creepy was that mask at the end??

#3 Cheese on Television

#4 I hate to sound like a bitch (wait...no i dont!) but can we not pretend that Anna Nicole Smith was anything other then a gold-digging moron? On the CNN "feedback" page someone actually said, "She always managed to be a real person." Um...are you fucking kidding me? You know a lot of doped up former playboy playmates? Did Heff send that comment in?

#5...true to form I cant remember the fifth. Oh, I remember. I finally saw the War of the Worlds. It was creepy but I was bummed at the let down of the ending. Anyway, just a bit ago the phone rings and i pick it up and I swear i hear that HHHOOOOOORRRRRRRNNNN sound that so creeped me out. Actually, it was more like buzzing and clicking but it reminded me of aliens and that reminded me of the HHHHOOORRRRNN sound and I wanted to mention it. Can anyone come up with a better way to write the sound...HHHHOOOORRRRNNNN isnt quite right.


Okay, that is it for me. Happy friday to you all

Bird

Tonia and David Parker of Lexington Mass Are Assholes

Tonia and David Parker sued after their 5-year-old son brought home a book from kindergarten that depicted a gay family.

They "...claim Lexington school officials violated their parental rights to teach their own morals to their children."

You know these are the same douchebags who also want the ten comandments posted at school and would be completely unable to see the irony behind that.

If you are so worried about your child then instead of suing the fucking school district and making an ass of yourself, why dont you be a fucking parent and spend some time with your gd child after school telling them what you believe? Oh no, you cant do that, NASCAR is on, my mistake.

"an attorney for the parents who filed the lawsuit, called the homosexual discussions and materials "a form of propaganda" that goes against the parents' religious beliefs. He said the parents do not want to dictate curriculum, but do want to be able to remove their young children from classrooms when homosexuality or gay marriage is being discussed.

'What they fear is that their children are being brainwashed,' he said."

Go fuck yourselves you worthless bags of shit...

Should this get me so angry?

And a-one and a-two...

Two bits today my blogger friends...

The first is an AP photo of Astronaut Lisa Nowak. She is the one with the coat on her head.



I can understand why some people, while leaving or entering court, cover their faces but honestly, Lisa Nowak? You are a freaking astronaut. It isnt like there's no footage of you out there. In fact, there are hours of tape where you are floating around the space station with an american flag behind you. You think covering your head now is going to somehow make you feel better? Make people forget what you look like or perhaps get them to think, "I cant see her face; it must be some other Lisa Nowak-NASA Astronaut"




Then, while browsing the interweb i read this article about Richard Leakey and the Turkana Boy.

This kind of article sets me off for a number of reasons, usually the ongoing (but lord only knows why-yuk yuk) debate of evolution v. creationism. However, today what really bothered me is that they described Richard Leakey as "one of the planet's best-known fossil hunters." Fossil hunters? Come on man. Leakey is a paleoanthropologist not just a guy just looking for old shit. This just reinforces the idea that we are all just out for some kind of treasure or adventure. Indiana Jones types...Something that this guy doesnt help with either...



Any archaeologist can tell you how boring and insufferable archaeology can be. Hardly ever do we go to places like egypt. In fact, most of our time is spent in place like this:



or this:



or this:





Needless to say, Leakey is a scientist and deserves respect...yes, just like the rest of us...

Finally!

So i found something that made me say to my self...That really pisses me off!

THIS

You pussies over at the NFL should really get over yourselves. You honestly spent money drafting a letter to a church to stop them from using the word "Super Bowl" on their handmade flyer and projecting the game for the congregation? Well, guess what boys? I am throwing a party too. I just renamed it to the "Bird-o-rama Super Bowl Spectacular Super Bowl Party Super Super Super Bowl Shindig" Everyone is invited and i am going to pull out Q's projector (yeah, that one too) and show the game on the wall at the house. Everyone should come by...game starts at 4ish but I plan to start drinking at well, lets be honest, 8am.

This part really killed me, "The network economics are based on television ratings and at-home viewing. Out-of-home viewing is not measured by Nielsen." You dirty little bastards are really worried about low Nielsen numbers? Please read this article talking about last years ratings number. Yeah, 90.7 million people watched it last year and the game was a total drag. Fuck you NFL if that number drops to 89.2 million because some god fearing football fans want to watch the game with their families and churchy friends. Shame on you...

Ahh....that felt good.