12 Signs You May Be a Criminal

...According to Cesare Lombroso (19th Century Italian Physician and founder of "criminal anthropology")

 

1.   enormous jaws

 

2.   high cheek bones

 

3.   prominent superciliary arches

 

4.   solitary lines in the palms

 

5.   extreme size of the orbits

 

6.   handle-shaped ears found in criminals, savages and apes

 

7.   insensibility to pain

 

8.   extreme acute sight

 

9.   tattooing

 

10. excessive idleness

 

11. love of orgies

 

12. the irresponsible craving of evil for its own sake, the desire not only to extinguish life in the victim, but to mutilate the corpse, tear its flesh and drink its blood.

 

 

 

 

****************

I dont know about you but the last one kinda seemed like a no brainer right?

Happy Birthday Thunderpussy!!

Bathroom Stalker

The Fast Pee lady made an appearance today. I was washing my hands when she came in but I didnt look over (i hate the, "lets chat while we empty our bladders" thing. I end up sitting next to a chatterbox [get it get it?] and having a talk and then pee after they leave.) All i noticed was a blur of brown. She seemed tall. As I was struggling with the paper towels i heard it...the machine gun sound.

Damn! Why hadnt I looked at her/his face! Curse my pee-issues!

I decided that lurking around outside the bathroom and waiting for the person to emerge and then screaming "AHHHAA!!", might not be the best idea.

I have narrowed it down a bit though. The Pee doesnt work in my office and since there is only one other company on our floor I cant imagine it will be much longer until I finally figure it out. I can hardly wait.

Sleepy Bird

PS Hey Angelina, there are plenty of kids in this country that no one wants to adopt either. How about picking up one of them too?

Hypocrisy

Newt Gingrich recently admitted to having an affair while pushing for Clinton's impeachment during the Monica Lewinsky incident. While this isnt really news since it was suspected at the time, I got very angry.

There are a couple of things I just cant stand; abuse of kids and animals, Dominick Hasek, and this holier-then-thou bullshit that "christians" pull all the time.

Now, before I go any further...I have no problem with christians or any one religion. Sure, I am bitter in my own way but what you do is for you and if it helps you in whatever way more power to you. (that's a lotta you's) I have a couple of friends who are christians and i really respect them. They are more then willing to answer all my silly questions and never try and convert me. They have a relationship with god and it is theirs alone.

I can perhaps illustrate my point better with a story. In the 'edge, where I went to high school, there were 10+ churches for a town just under 2000. Like so very many of us, my parents were divorced and I lived with just one parent. I always got the pity thing from all my friends parents. Good christians who have been married for 20+ years. Oh poor Bird, she only has her father around. It must be so hard...it must be so sad...she must be so messed up. Turns out, while my parents had their issues (lots and lots of issues) my friends religious parents had even more. Alcoholism, affairs, crazy unhappiness. Of my close pals, I am the child of divorce and I am also the one who escaped high school without a child, a marriage, a drug problem (mostly), a horribly low self esteem (again, mostly). The point is...I am not a christian and I am not perfect but I am doing just fine.

However, all day long we are bombarded by those who wish to convert. The worst of all these are those political types. The republicans who run on the platform of "Family Vlaues". Guys like...oh, lets say Mark Foley. I am sure you remember the Rep from Florida who left the capitol in late September after he admitted to sending sexually explicit messages to an underage male page. Ahh, yes...Family Values. These are the people that I dislike so much. These are the people who will stand up and scream about how homosexuality is immoral and in the meantime stop off at their mistress' house for a blow job.

Guys like Ted Haggard make me sick. They preach about values and about faith and they judge others unworthy and then, you see that they have been living a lie...right in front of everyone. Yet still they judge. The New Life Church says that they support Haggard and his 12 step "pray the gay away" program (that's Q's little gem not mine fyi). The hypocrisy of it all just kills me.

That is why Gingrich's admission to Lou Dobbs (another complete douchebag who you know has some skeletons) made me so angry. The whole lewinsky situation was crazy out of control...and here is Newt, trying to take down a president while getting his knob bobbed by some collegue.

I dont mean to say that all republicans are liars or cheats. Trust me, dems are no better. I guess it is just the GOP's turn to look like a fool. I am sure that in the next several months we will get our chance.

Also, can you imagine a president named Newt?

Uncanny

Everyone here is a grouch today. It is supposed to be a day of happiness since it's friday but sadly, everyones boss is making everybody do crappy jobs that no one likes. Lemme tell ya, having gotten 5 hours of sleep last night, I could care less if you have a crappy copy job. Fucking lighten up.

Needless to say, I am struggling hard to keep my decent mood. Nothing is worse then a sleep deprived bitchy bird...

So, i read an article this moring about a sicko who tried to kidnap a little girl. I noticed that the sketch of the man looks remarkably like our former Gov. Bill Owens. See for yourself and tell me what you think...






Uncanny indeed...

Estoy Apesadumbrado

I know that i should be blogging but honestly, i dont feel like I have anything worthy of writing about.

 

I read a story about this woman in colorado springs who woke up from a vegetative state after 6 years.  She was awake for 3 days and then slipped back.  It seems that she does this over and over again, though usually she isnt awake for very long.

 

The story said she saw her 12 year old daughter and 3 grandchildren.  Can you imagine that?  I mean, on both sides.  For the family you just have to wait and see when she wakes up again and then get as much time in as possible.  For the woman, she just wakes up to a whole new world.  Living a life in leaps and bounds.

 

It sounds like a great book idea and if someone writes it I expect some sort of compensation, dig?

Lunchtime Means Blogtime

"Scientists use computer to control bird's flight"

Get the F*%^ outta my brain you damn scientists!

*******
The NHL trade deadline came and went with the Avalanche declaring to the world,
"I think I will have another beer, thanks and could i get somethi.....oh crap, the deadline! I had forgotten all about this season."

I know most of you could give two craps about the NHL at this point and I can relate a bit. I have been a big time hockey slacker this season. My fantasy team is languishing in the bottom of the league and I hardly know what is going on anymore. What i do know is that the avs re-acquired Scott Parker from San Jose. Yeah, re-read that and let it sink in. I have no idea what the Avs were thinking. I mean, none at all. I could try and write something clever but really, Lord Stanley did a better job. Check out his comments here.

*******
Speaking of Hockey...

Q let me in on a set of emails between him and his co-worker Pile; for your amusement...

----- Original Message -----
From: Pile
To: Bulldog; Munpe Q
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:39:18 2007
Subject: Tony Granato

Is eating across from me in Subway.

----- Original Message -----
From: Pile
To: Bulldog; Munpe Q
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:47:15 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato

Joel Quenville just walked in.

----- Original Message -----
From: Munpe Q
To: Pile
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:48:27 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato


Tell him to quit fucking up the Avs defense.

----- Original Message -----
From: Pile
To: Munpe Q
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:49:32 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato

I just let him cut in front of me at the soda machine.

----- Original Message -----
From: Munpe Q
To: Pile
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:50:06 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato

Check him into the lids.

----- Original Message -----
From: Pile
To: Munpe Q
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:50:48 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato

Nice. Hip check into the chips. Film at 10.

------Original Message------
From: Munpe Q
To: Pile
Sent: Wed Feb 28, 2007 12:52:05 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato

Poke check him in the junk.

*****
Ahh yes....the poke check...


Enjoy that snow all you Denverites.

~B

Pee-Pee Time

There is a woman somewhere on our floor who's pee, I swear, can break the sound barrier.  Honestly, it is going Mach 1.  It is the Top Gun of pee.

 

The force at which it hits the water is truly stunning!  It comes in spurts and sounds like a machine gun....you know the sound I'm talking about.

 

I dont know who this woman is--hell, I am not even sure if it is a woman--but her pee scares me a little.

 

 

Also, one of the funniest things that I overheard Q say the other day...

"Hey-I dont want to see your baby squirrel..."

 

 

The Early Bird Gets an Udi Burrito and a Cup-a-Joe

So it hit me, right at Mississippi and 225, "The call is coming from inside the house!"

...at least, that is how it felt.

Let me go back and explain a bit--

The birdmobile was way overdue for an oil change and brake repair. I always take the car to the best mechanic in the world even though his shop is in Golden and my house is in E-470 Centennial. I mean, the guys name is Buddy...how can you go wrong.

Q was a great help, dropping the car off on wed-nes-day and taking me into work the next morning. That night we go to get the car and I have a momentary worry when I cant remember if my checkbook is in the car or not.

"Yes, I'm sure of it. 100%," I say, which should have been the sign that i was totally screwed. I get to the car and what do you know; no checkbook. "But I could have sworn..." We end up "stealing" my car and I vow to get up early and drive over before the shop opens up at 8am. A serious vow for a chica who's shovelbum co-workers call sleepyhead.

This morning the alarm goes off at 5am-but it doesnt matter because I havent been able to sleep since around 3am. Something is bothering me and i cant figure out what. I get dressed in the dark-get in the car and take off-kinda laughing at myself. Silly bird...

I actually like driving so it isnt so horrible, especially at this hour with no traffic---and that's when my brain finally puts it together. Oh...My...God

My planner---My bag---girl scout cookies

My checkbook is in my planner in my bag which was in my hand as i unlocked the car door. It was in the seat next to me as I rifled through the center console. It was brushing up against my hand as I plunged elbow deep to check the pockets in my bag.

Awwwwww fuck. "The call is coming from inside the house," was the first thing that popped outta my mouth.

What can you do but laugh at yourself right? Which brings me to my

Two Minutes Hate

Something I havent done in a long time...

What is going through the heads of those people who weave in and out of semi-congested traffic? I mean...are they just crusing along thinking, "Wheeeeee" or do they think it makes them look cool? Are they so arrogant that they dont feel the cold hand of fate reaching for them?

Sometimes I pretend that there must be some kind of emergency; family memebers dead or dying-wife giving birth in the backseat. But at 6am? Honestly are you just that excited to get to your little cube? To sit at your cramped little desk and start selling your life insurance or managing peoples portfolios? I dont get it. Is it that you have a tiny dick?

If my friend drove like that I would punch him in the face. I would bloody his nose. Yes, I am looking at you Carl, Mr. "I invented the Arnold Palmer" If you do this please visit my profile on the right, near that fetching photo and send me an email telling me what the fuck you're thinking.

Oh...Snap!

Obama: Look at you in your damn pants-suit...

Clinton: What did you just say to me?

Obama: I said you make me sick

Clinton: Oh, I'm gonna make you sick alright...

Bits and Pieces...

I am feeling strange. Weird headaches, what I can assume are hot flashes, easily annoyed by stupid co-workers. I think that part of my problem is that I am wearing shoes. See, these are the kind of days that I wear my chacos



I think that I release heat from my feet. I have serious barefoot issues (happily, no pregant and barefoot issues though!)

Anyway, i dont feel like working the last thirty minutes of my work day so I will blog instead. Arent you lucky!

I saw this company name today...Centrifuge Solutions. I was so excited because i was hoping this company had all the answers to my centrifuge needs. Turns out they are an internet phone company. Or something like that. Lame

Also, here is a photo of my favorite flower. I couldnt remember the name...turns out they are Gerberas and not, "those one kind that look like daises but have those tiny petals inside of the bigger petals"



Nice eh? Anyone know if these colors are natural or what? That orange is insane.


Here is a strange thing that my older brother is doing. Rate My Fridge. I invite you all to sign up and post a photo. I shall take photos tonight and you shall all get to see deep into my soul...deep. So very deep. I look forward to seeing your soul as well (I sounded crazy just then)

It's Time For Another Episode of America's Favorite New Gameshow...

...Tim Hardaway, Former Heat Guard, Is An Asshole!

Host: Let's welcome our guest, Tim Hardaway!



*applause*

H: Hello Tim, and Welcome to You're An Asshole!

Tim Hardaway: It's great to be here!

H: Awesome! Let's get started!

*applause*

H: Tim, for 100 points, let's say your gay...

TH: "You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known...I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States."

H: CONGRATULATIONS! You've just won...

Audience: YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!

*applause*

*Cue Cheesy Music*


~~~~~~~~~~


If it makes anyone feel any better Tim later apologized for the remarks saying, "Yes, I regret it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said I hate gay people or anything like that. That was my mistake"

Aww...who can still be mad after something so genuine as that?


~B

As An Aside...

I just got a call from Alec Baldwin.  He said my hair was pretty.

 

Damn right...

L is for the way you Laugh at me...

Is that not the right lyric? It seems to fit somehow...

Many (and that is a relative word) of you may have come here to read my rant about Valentines Day and how evil it is. However, as you can see from last years post I have gotten a bit softer, perhaps a bit wiser.

Still, dont get me wrong. I think a lot of people royally screw up the day for themselves but I suppose it doesnt have to be all bad.

So today, instead of ranting, I am going do a quick recap of headlines related to LOVE.

First...Did you guys read that article about Love on CNN.com? It wasnt a shocker or anything, wow your brain shows activity when you think romantic thoughts, surprise surprise. What I thought was interesting was that it was the exact same area that "lights up" so to speak, when you use cocaine. See...if you are lonely there is a quick fix answer! Thanks Science!

Also...a love triangle story out of Greeley--Go Bears! Really, this is like a soap. What i like best about this story so far is that she was pulled over by her husband...solid.

Finally, Hindu activists are protesting V-Day in New Delhi. It seems that, 'Valentine's Day promotes obscene cards and nudity and encourages our youngsters to be publicly affectionate in parks and other places -- this is against our ancient civilisation,' said Jai Bhagwan Goyal, head of Shiv Sena in the capital.

Hmm, maybe I could get into the whole love thing if i got some obscene cards from someone....you listening Q?



If you celebrate, may you get hundreds of tiny cut out hearts with heart doilies glued to them...

If you dont, have a happy wednesday and enjoy the cheap candy sales at the grocery store tomorrow

Yumm...

I am eating my very first girl scout cookie of the year. MMmm....really what could be better then that?


grub grub goes the bird

5 Year Old Bitch and Moan

Five years ago, on December 2nd, I was driving down a hill near a hospital. Rolling along, foot off the gas- I hit 40mph. A police officer standing at the bottom of the hill clocked me going 5 over the limit. He waves me to the side of the road.

"Here it is," I think, "the first time I have been pulled over." I am actually kind of excited because I think that maybe he will see my long driving history with no tickets and realize that i dont really deserve one. Foolish? Perhaps but it was the first time i had ever been pulled over.

He walks up to the car and doesnt ask for my license or registration. He says instead, "Here's your ticket. You were going 40 in a 35 (he shows me the radar gun readout). Sign here unless you want to go to court and protest the ticket." Dumbfounded I sign. "Here," he shoves the ticket into my hand and walks away. Back to his car ready to nail another person rolling down the hill.

That's it. He wasnt nice and i didnt even get a chance to tell him he was popping my cherry (gross). I paid 100-somethin and he took two points from my license.

Today, I got a copy of my MVR and this ticket was the only thing on it...stupid cop!

I suppose I should be happy that the last ticket i received was in New Mexico. That police officer pulled me over near roswell going 86 in a 65. Yikes. He was very nice and we chatted up archaeology a bit. He wasnt even phased by my rental car insurance. Then he dropped my ticket to 85 in a 65 saving me 100+ bucks. I kinda hoped he would let me off but...that one i deserved.

Safe driving folks!!

Tweet

Jump Back...I Wanna Kiss Myself

That's right, I'm super bad.

Three things I wanted to mention popped into my head this morning. Four actually...and now a fifth. Damn, there's a little peek into my brain right?

Anyway

In no particular order..

#1 James Brown is still not buried?! How is this possible?

#2 The Grey Poupon guy is dead! Sadness. I am predicting a rash of jokes when people realize this. The actor (who's name is not 'the grey poupon guy' but Ian Richardson) was in Brazil. What a great film that was..please do see it if you havent already. If you have, how creepy was that mask at the end??

#3 Cheese on Television

#4 I hate to sound like a bitch (wait...no i dont!) but can we not pretend that Anna Nicole Smith was anything other then a gold-digging moron? On the CNN "feedback" page someone actually said, "She always managed to be a real person." Um...are you fucking kidding me? You know a lot of doped up former playboy playmates? Did Heff send that comment in?

#5...true to form I cant remember the fifth. Oh, I remember. I finally saw the War of the Worlds. It was creepy but I was bummed at the let down of the ending. Anyway, just a bit ago the phone rings and i pick it up and I swear i hear that HHHOOOOOORRRRRRRNNNN sound that so creeped me out. Actually, it was more like buzzing and clicking but it reminded me of aliens and that reminded me of the HHHHOOORRRRNN sound and I wanted to mention it. Can anyone come up with a better way to write the sound...HHHHOOOORRRRNNNN isnt quite right.


Okay, that is it for me. Happy friday to you all

Bird

Tonia and David Parker of Lexington Mass Are Assholes

Tonia and David Parker sued after their 5-year-old son brought home a book from kindergarten that depicted a gay family.

They "...claim Lexington school officials violated their parental rights to teach their own morals to their children."

You know these are the same douchebags who also want the ten comandments posted at school and would be completely unable to see the irony behind that.

If you are so worried about your child then instead of suing the fucking school district and making an ass of yourself, why dont you be a fucking parent and spend some time with your gd child after school telling them what you believe? Oh no, you cant do that, NASCAR is on, my mistake.

"an attorney for the parents who filed the lawsuit, called the homosexual discussions and materials "a form of propaganda" that goes against the parents' religious beliefs. He said the parents do not want to dictate curriculum, but do want to be able to remove their young children from classrooms when homosexuality or gay marriage is being discussed.

'What they fear is that their children are being brainwashed,' he said."

Go fuck yourselves you worthless bags of shit...

Should this get me so angry?

And a-one and a-two...

Two bits today my blogger friends...

The first is an AP photo of Astronaut Lisa Nowak. She is the one with the coat on her head.



I can understand why some people, while leaving or entering court, cover their faces but honestly, Lisa Nowak? You are a freaking astronaut. It isnt like there's no footage of you out there. In fact, there are hours of tape where you are floating around the space station with an american flag behind you. You think covering your head now is going to somehow make you feel better? Make people forget what you look like or perhaps get them to think, "I cant see her face; it must be some other Lisa Nowak-NASA Astronaut"




Then, while browsing the interweb i read this article about Richard Leakey and the Turkana Boy.

This kind of article sets me off for a number of reasons, usually the ongoing (but lord only knows why-yuk yuk) debate of evolution v. creationism. However, today what really bothered me is that they described Richard Leakey as "one of the planet's best-known fossil hunters." Fossil hunters? Come on man. Leakey is a paleoanthropologist not just a guy just looking for old shit. This just reinforces the idea that we are all just out for some kind of treasure or adventure. Indiana Jones types...Something that this guy doesnt help with either...



Any archaeologist can tell you how boring and insufferable archaeology can be. Hardly ever do we go to places like egypt. In fact, most of our time is spent in place like this:



or this:



or this:





Needless to say, Leakey is a scientist and deserves respect...yes, just like the rest of us...

Finally!

So i found something that made me say to my self...That really pisses me off!

THIS

You pussies over at the NFL should really get over yourselves. You honestly spent money drafting a letter to a church to stop them from using the word "Super Bowl" on their handmade flyer and projecting the game for the congregation? Well, guess what boys? I am throwing a party too. I just renamed it to the "Bird-o-rama Super Bowl Spectacular Super Bowl Party Super Super Super Bowl Shindig" Everyone is invited and i am going to pull out Q's projector (yeah, that one too) and show the game on the wall at the house. Everyone should come by...game starts at 4ish but I plan to start drinking at well, lets be honest, 8am.

This part really killed me, "The network economics are based on television ratings and at-home viewing. Out-of-home viewing is not measured by Nielsen." You dirty little bastards are really worried about low Nielsen numbers? Please read this article talking about last years ratings number. Yeah, 90.7 million people watched it last year and the game was a total drag. Fuck you NFL if that number drops to 89.2 million because some god fearing football fans want to watch the game with their families and churchy friends. Shame on you...

Ahh....that felt good.