All your life you are taught that the goal is a four year degree at some sort of college or university. In school it is pushed into your brain...your grades your grades. You will never get into college with those grades. Then, your senior year you get together with all your other little college bound pals and start visiting campuses. You write letters and fill out forms and in some cases, audition, and finally you get a letter that says yes, yes we want you. So you go. You move. You spend at least one semester fucking off. Then it sinks in...oh lord the future. You will never get a good job without a good gpa!
I went to college. I have two degrees. I wrote an undergraduate thesis. I spent months away from friends working in the mountains so i could get a job in my field. I gave up vacations and sitting around on the front porch hanging out and drinking beer. I gave up cushy jobs at the music library, messing around with boys i had crushes on so I could tromp around the mountains looking for old shit.
I get a good gpa, i get good references, i get good scholarships while there. I make pals and have a good time.
I graduate and get a job in my field. I think I am lucky. I get greedy and want more. I want to be out in the mountains again. Looking for stuff not just mapping it in an office downtown. I leave and think, I am lucky again. I get what I want.
I spend months researching and writing about stuff I dont care about just so I can get to the good stuff. I travel to neighboring states, risking relationships and friends, do my work and finally get to the good stuff. Then, when I get there....it isnt so good. It is hard and it is miserable at times. I drink too much and risk more relationships. I look around and see that everyone who is here with me, they are all trapped and all feel the same way. These relationships we all form...they are all the same-all over the nation-a group of people trapped and unhappy and looked upon as modern day indiana jones'.
So i think, i need to get out. I knock my self down because all these skills get me no where. Like the last 10 years were a waste of my time. After a couple of months I feel lucky again. Thinking i found something i can do while i sort out the future. But that isnt the case at all. Three months I find out that this wont work either. That i am too bored. I am too skilled even though no other employer would think so. Am I better off then when I was drinking too much and unhappy? So i start again. Looking again.
A visitor gives me a momentary burst of energy, happiness. I think, yes yes I am lucky. The world is before me and i can choose from any of these things. But then, reality sets in and while i feel like I can choose these people, the people looking over my cv, see someone who is too qualified, who isnt qualified enough, who is asking too much money.
So here i sit...a decade after graduating thinking to myself...all those student loans, those nice memories...are they worth it? I am just as lost as that freshman in highschool, that sophmore in college who has to finally choose his major, that senior who just graduated and is thrust into the workforce.
The flowers and rainbows of "what do you want to do when you grow up? What is your dream job? Find what you like and go for it!" All that shit is gone.
I just want to work, be appreciated and treated with respect and not have to give up relationships, beers on fridays, vacations to geeky places that i like, and some fucking security.
go to college? maybe that's the key...grad school...
B
