31 October 2005

Untitled Rage

One of my favorite websites is Catholic.org I like to check out the Saints and Angels section. You can find all kinds of neato information. For example, i have begun praying to the two Patron Saints of Shovelbums St. Helena and St. Damasus. I figure...maybe these guys can help me figure out what to do.

I have been looking for the Patron Saint of backpain and it turns out it is St. Percocet and St. Patron.

Two Minutes Hate
Why are people afraid to be happy?
(repeat 10 more times)

29 October 2005

Halloween Rage

I love Halloween. I dont know why. I dont think i had a memorable halloween as a kid but as an adult it is my favorite holiday. I think because it is strange and fun. Something about people dressing up perhaps. Even though this bird isnt child friendly, i really enjoy checking out kids costumes. Some of them are down right hilarious. You can tell that these kids are going to be something special. Today, while on my way to the tire store i saw a kid dressed as a mail man. He had the mailman hat, the bag, the blue shirt and dark pants and a pair of loafers. I nearly ran him over i was laughing so hard. (see what i mean about not kid friendly?)

This may lead you to ask the bird..."Bird, how did you see a kid dressed up, in the middle of the day, on the 29th no less." To you, dear questioner i would say this...

Two Minutes Hate
There were kids trick-or-treating at noon at some shops near my house. Now, this bothers me a bit but I can understand why shop owners do this. However, all you little bastards who are going out trick-or-treating tonight...tell your parents they are assholes. Go on...i'll wait.

You cant make a kid trick-or-treat on saturday because it is easier for you! damn man dont you know anything? I'm looking at you Sam!!

I just want to thank the UNC Bears (my stinky alma mater) for whooping up on the Fat Loser...i mean Fort Lewis Skyhawks (as opposed to the lesser known groundhawk). Sklimps went to Fort Lewis (How do you get a Fort Lewis Graduate off your porch? Pay for the Pizza!) and we had a little bet going as to who would win. Of course Sklimps knows that the SH's were gonna get blown away but like a good booster he still made the bet. Final score? 45-14! Thanks man---i like my beer ice cold!

28 October 2005

ZZZZzzzzzzz Rage

You know how you get so tired that your eyes feel scratchy and heavy? And even though you thought you would never fall asleep in the car you find your head bobbing? Well, i had that all day today. Really bad...even coffee didnt help. Fuck, music didnt even help!

And then...the cruellest of all fates...insomnia.

Here it is...2am. Not even droopy.

I cant slow my brain down sometimes. Thousands of things are running through my head. I jump from one to the next, not even completing a thought. Round and round and round.

I want to take my brain out and wring out all the thoughts and ideas and questions. Stuff it back in dry as a bone.

25 October 2005

Hell Is For The Lustful

I took this test two years ago and found myself in the Second Level of Hell. I took it today and surprise surprise (as gomer would say) I am still there. Ahh...lust!

Take it yourself and prepare for your future...plus, since it is based on the description of Hell found in Dante's Divine Comedy, it is really just an educational tool.

Dante's Inferno Test


So...i have been drinking...excuse this post.

Slim, Laser and I were sitting around drinking, as we sometimes do...

Scoot was asking about her name. Upset that she had to be called scoot even though we all agreed that scoot was a cute name and Scoot is, easily, the cutest person I know. Really, i cant even explain this to people. Not cute like oh, hello kitty...but cute like...holy fucking shit that is so goddamn cute....god be buggered that's a big ass fajita plate cute!

So...Scoot decided that she wanted to be called:
Yo! I'm a badass mo fo kick your sweet behind from here to
Tinglewood bitch I fucking own your shit, aka Scoot.

Wow....that is a long name but what ever YIBMFKYSBFHTBIFOYS aka Scoot wants, she gets.

Scoot also did this...several times.

There were a number of great phrases that were passed around but my drunken mind has forgotten them all. Slim...laser...help me out eh???

sleepy bird say

22 October 2005

Notes From The PK

Promise Keepers....

It rolls around the PC once a year and for some reason i end up signing up for it. Glutton for punishment? Perhaps. Maybe I am just looking for blog fodder...

I was at a stationary position all night which is nice because it lets you experience the freakshow that is PK-2005 or as it was often called, "The Awakening". People often ask us KSE employees....what is the worst event you work? Mine was the Nas show where I got punched in the face (see previous blog) or maybe the Reel Big Fish Show. PK is nowhere near the worst event. It is easy and the guys mostly stay away from you. However, it is hands down the biggest white trash event. Most people are surprised by that. Thinking that monster trucks or some country music show would be the worst. Honestly, there were more toothless men (i counted 15 from my post) then minorities.

There was a group of men, just down from me, who would stop random people-chat with them and then force them into some kind of group hug/prayer circle. The men would leave looking teary and moved but I think it is a kind of religious sexual harassment. My coworker and i were scared to walk near them lest we be dragged inside.

Some crazy man wearing a beanie (with propeller) and flashing lights and a goofy outfit (his attempt to be "wacky" and connect with the kids), asked us how many PC employees were "serving the Promise Keepers" tonight. He looked upset when I laughed and said, "oh no...we are getting paid for this...are you kidding??" Me and my stupid mouth...always talking before i think.

I saw a highschool classmates father at the event. Melanie Keuglers dad....wow. I cant believe i recognized him after all these years. The small town where I graduated high school had less then 1000 people but 10 churches. Everyone went to church and if you werent a church family (like myself) you were not to be trusted. The irony of the whole situation, one that has been repeated over and over again throughout the nation, is that most of the "good church kids" ended up pregnant, dropping out of school, on drugs, arrested etc. Melanie was one of these kids. She ended up pregnant had an abortion and got pregnant again. She decided to keep it, moved to Chicago and then gave it up for adoption. I wanted to ask Mr. Keugler how his daughter was doing but i couldnt stop laughing.

The best quote of the night came from a man who walked up to us, eyes glazed over.
Man: "No beer sales?"
Me: "No, sorry sir"
Man: "Damn, I never would have let them talk me into coming if I knew there wasnt going to be any beer..."


So, during some events I pick something to count. Depending on the show it can be mullets, leather pants, how many times someone says "howdy" or "sweetheart", whatever seems appropriate for the show. Tonight I chose Toothless Men and how many times someone said "God Bless". As I mentioned before...15 toothless men. Wow! I figured that the God Bless would be off the charts however, I only got 4 God Blesses. What the fuck churchies? I was helping you all over the place...the least you could do was try and help my cause with the big guy upstairs.

I am sure it will be okay though because someone told me as I was going on break that they would pray for me.


19 October 2005

Job Skillz

I need a new job...badly. Because, you see, once again and for the 4th time this month I am sitting at home, not working because there is nothing for me to do. (squirt, do the comma mistakes in this sentence make your head hurt?) I am a full time salaried employee...but not really. They can work me to death and I dont get overtime however, if i miss work they take it out of my check. I am getting screwed with my pants on.

Thus, I need a new job. You can help! Let me tell you my various skills and then you can hire me. Or, you can tell me about job openings you see as you commute to work.

~I am hi-larious. But this you must already know.

~I have mad digging skillz. You need a squared off 1x1m hole dug at 10cm levels in your backyard? Man...that's my bag baby!

~I work well under pressure. In fact, so well that I love to put things off until the last possible second so that the pressure is intense!! This may come in handy if you need someone who can disarm a bomb with only 1 second remaining. (caveat- i would need to be taught how to disarm a bomb...but I learn quickly)

~I like to read. I read a lot and i enjoy it. That also makes me smart right?

~I am smart. (See above)

~I like repetitive tasks. I have worked at the library, a grocery store, and as an encoder. I enjoyed them for various reasons. I like to stamp things and swipe things. I like to type too.

~I am good with people. This may surprise some of you but....i like people. Not stupid people or arrogant people, or ignorant people but funny and smart people. I love them!

~I am a poor speller but am totally aware of that fact so i always double spell check big words.

~I like ice patches. I can explain them to you if you would like.

~I like to make lists. Just like this one.

~I rock in the sack. This skill really only applies to a few jobs...but it is good information i think.

Okay...i have a CV filled with bum jobs (i have even written some reports and what not) as well as a couple of recommendations. I have transcripts too so let me know.

Thanks for all your legwork. I am looking for full-time or a flexible part time job.

~Tweet Tweet

17 October 2005


Ahh....saw this on my friends website and had to post it here since i just talked about llamas.....good times

Llama Fun

14 October 2005

Fun On the Farm

I stink.

No, not stink like, "I am no good at this"...or "I killed a hobo in his sleep, what a stinker I am". I actually stink. I have spent the last four days recording various properties near Loveland. Today each property had farm animals. The first had a goat and pigs and cows and gatos (which I know arent farm animals but still) and a horse. The goat was just wandering around which the owner said was okay but let me tell ya, you havent lived until you've been bumped from behind by a goat while trying to take a photo of the pig slop. The second place had tons of pigs, roaming chickens and cows....more cows. They had a nice little gato that followed me around the house while I mapped it. I called him stinker because he stunk...just like me. The third place had more cows and some chickens and even more gatos. One I called orange because he was orange and he kept attacking me as I was recording the privy. This was also the place that made me decide not to eat cows and pigs anymore. It was disgusting. Jules Winnfield was right...pigs are filthy animals. Not only that...this one cow was drinking the other cows piss right from the steaming hole! Blech!!

But...yesterday was the kicker. We roll up on this house. A small home and a back forty filled with salvage items and some livestock. You know it is going to be strange when the first thing you say to your co-worker is, "are those peacocks on the roof?" So, yes, they had peacocks...most which were on the roof. They had a kennel filled with basset hounds and two pitbulls. They had a pen with 25+ goats, llamas, two ponies, geese, chickens and a single pig that was too fat to walk. They also had roaming llamas that would surprise the fuck out of you. They spit you know... Anyway...it was like the ark...but without the cool animals, and the water...and a guy named noah. Though i was with a guy named steve...was there a steve on the ark? But I digress...

So in addition to this pen and the kennel and the roof cocks the back forty contained a salvage yard. Fencing materials, bricks etc etc. Also, 7 sets of front stairs. Just the steps and the railing and the first landing. Strange. 15 tuff sheds, 9 abandoned trucks and cars, Three open pits with some kind of burned bones (yikes), 15 steel drums with "SALVAGE" on the side (for dissolving dead bodies I think), one "Hazardous Waste" sign, a pile of fire extinguishers, two bus stop shelters from Fort Collins, and a metal square-lined with plywood and plastic-filled with unopened bottles of bleach...and I mean filled.

Honestly, it was the strangest thing I have ever seen. I actually felt uncomfortable there, which doesnt happen often. Contrary to popular belief I hardly ever risk my life at work. Rarely do I come upon a group of nazis about to steal an ancient treasure and have to blow up their plane and fist fight with them...rarely.


11 October 2005

A Perfect Moment

Do you ever have one of those moments that just shine?

Yesterday I am coming home from work. It had been snowing/raining all day. It was kind of gloomy which i love. I was headed toward my first NHL game in over a year. I was excited and giddy and totally feeling it. Erasure had just popped up on the ipod and I was loving it! I am headed up a hill, singing along. I look over and there, in the rain and freezing temperatures is an inflatable Sports Clip Mascot. The poor person in the blow-up suit is twirlling and hopping and most likely cursing outloud while doing it. Just as I look over, they fall...hitting the ground and rolling a bit. Trying to get up must be impossible in one of those things since your arms are trapped inside. I cant imagine how hard it is in the freezing rain on an incline.

Everything around me became clear for a moment. like the heavens opened and every car paused. I saw it all happening from above, like an out of body experience. It was amazing. Then, just as quickly it was gone. Another perfect moment...

Life can be so beautiful sometimes. I am just sad a poor inflatable mascot had to be hurt so that I could remember that...


10 October 2005

Quake Rage

Foot is feeling good but work is really stinking. Here I sit, again with nothing to do. Something has to change...Stupid Reno!

Additionally, the birdmobile isnt doing so well. Something is chunking and coughing so it has to be looked at. Sigh....it's always something eh?

The good news is....Hockey tonight. First NHL game in over a year. I am very excited. So excited in fact that i just peed in my pants a little. Good thing I am all alone eh? Also, snow! I love the snow. Here in Boulder it is just raining...which is strange. There was ~5 inches at my house today. Good times...

Two Minutes Hate
I was talking to my friend Newbie...who i just decided shall now and forever be called squirt (you dont like that one? zip it!)..and I said "Newbie (cause I hadnt changed his name yet), Newbie...how many people have to die (not including western europeans) before the US hosts some kind of live television fundraiser for them??" Obviously more the 30,000 eh? That is the vague number of dead in the quake that hit southeast asia.

30,000 people. Can you imagine? Think Katrina, and 9-11 and Rita, and throw in 25, 000 more people and you can start to get an idea. Is this tsunami big? no...not even close. But the ammount of destruction and loss of life exceeds anything we have faced as a nation. So why arent all the celebrities jumping on the Earthquake telethon bandwagon?

I can see that this most recent natural disaster comes on the heels of the last one. It may be too soon to hold another fundraiser but really...people dont seem to be interested. What makes this one different?

I have a guess....and it isnt a nice one. I wonder if people dont care because it hit Pakistan. Because "all those people killed are terrorists anyway." Really? Are we that stupid? It appears that we may indeed be.

I sent more money to the red cross, supposedly earmarking it for earthquake relief in the region. I am sure it will get there but I wonder how much help they will receive from others. Just to make sure we all understand who was effected by this earthquake you should know that:

"Officials in the North West Frontier Province about 60 miles north of Islamabad, said that it was one of the hardest-hit areas. Near the ruins of one collapsed school, at least a dozen bodies lay in the streets. More than 200 pupils were feared trapped inside the rubble of a four-story school.

Dozens of villagers pulled at the debris and carried away bodies. Faizan Farooq, a 19-year-old student, said he had heard children under the rubble crying for help immediately after Saturday's disaster."

I really hope that I am wrong. That people are just too strapped after the Tsunami and the Hurricanes. That people have been momentarily distracted by the Yankees pushing a game 5 and the play of phenom Sidney Crosby. That soon former President Bush and Clinton will come out with another television commercial requesting aid for the region and that people will respond.

~And the cynical bird goes tweet tweet..

07 October 2005

Colorado State Patrol Rage

My doctors visit went well. I had fun x-rays and even got to take them home! Ahh, an art project. Maybe, if you know me, you can come over and check them out when i get em hung up! I love bones....i wish I could get some of all different parts of my body. Speaking of that...while lying on the table waiting for the machine to zap my foot, I was again struck with the idea of quickly sliding down and effectivly zzzzaaaapppping my pelvis!! No babies for me! Oh yes, no fracture of my fibula. The radiologist is going to look at them as well and you know, double check. I am wearing the air splint and it feels pretty good.

Two Minutes Hate
After my appointment I had to head up north to record a farm. Ahh...cows! So there I am, trucking along the 25...cruising at about 80mph. I pass a slow moving CSP car and as I am passing him I realize that he is getting caught behind a large tractor trailer. "Ahh...it sucks when that happens" I was thinking when, out of nowhere he turns on his lights and cuts me off. Okay, so i understand that cops do stuff like this...use their lights to go through a red light or make an illegal turn or something. It doesnt really bother me when they do it because I would do the same thing (so would you by the by....dont kid yourself!). However, this motherfucker cut me off. Not just, got in front of me but really cut me off. I had to hit the brakes pretty hard. This fucking pig is so goddamn special that he can go ahead and endanger some random person. So I honked at him. Cuz, what the fuck right?

So, then....because he is a complete douchebag, he gets on his cell phone (most likely calling information about the location of the nearest doughnut shop) and drives past 7 (i counted) Keep Right Except To Pass signs while cruising in the left lane at 60mph. I am so angry at this point. There are morons behind the guy going 55mph because they are worried about passing him. People...if a cop pulls you over for passing him when he is 15 under the speed limit you have nothing to worry about. Do you really need me to tell you this? So I called the non-emergency number and reported him. I know, what an asshole thing to do but he made me mad. I lied and said he wasnt wearing a seat belt either. Just for funsies. Really, it isnt like anything is going to happen but the women i was talking too seemed amused. So..take that CSP-274 you worthless bag-o-shit.

Dont you think we should have ramming devices on our cars for moments just like this?

safe driving everyone~

06 October 2005

Perfect Example

Here is a perfect example of why I want to leave archaeology all together and move away...

My boss tells me this afternoon that if the doctor says I am fine and that I can work that he is going to send me BACK out to Nevada.


A Rage in Two Parts

I am going to the doctor tomorrow to have my foot looked at. It is fine and it feels good but people wont leave me alone about it (oh Bird...we care about you and dont want you to hurt your foot...bunch a punks). Also, i have health insurance so why not take care of it eh? I dont like doctors much. "But Bird" you say, "isnt your brother a doctor?" Ahh yes, the Lieutenant Commander...but see, he doesnt poke me with needles, something about it being unethical...but that doesnt stop me from asking for free medical advice and getting pain meds, if ya get my meaning. Anyway...xrays will ensue and i will have updates since i know you are all on the edge of your seats. Soon photos of my foot. For now...this photo that Scoot took in Amsterdam will have to do.


Two Minutes Hate
Part 1
I am sitting here in Boulder with nothing to do! No work. Nothing!!!! I came home from Nevada and i am sitting here waiting for 7pm when K has graciously agreed to drop me off at home. only six more hours of watching the time slowly tick off the clock. How can there be nothing for me to do? Before there was too much to do and now, 15 days later there is nothing? NOTHING??? I am going crazy! CRAZY!!!
I am moving to San Francisco, working in a bookstore. I will tell you which one and you can come visit. People always say I'll visit but they never do. Someone come visit me??!!!! Right now!

Part 2
This isnt so much a rage. I thought that I would share some notes I took while drinking heavily and watching the game last night. Here's the first ever...

Birds' Drunken Analysis
Written on a cocktail napkin...

Guys I like tonight
~Ian Lapirrerre Lapaireair...a pair of air...pears eat hair.
~Ryan Smyth of edmonton

I miss yubyub(Greg de Vris looks like an ewok)

Conklin is playing well...better then i expected him too.

Plop plop...fizz fizz Antti Laaksonen

Where's Tanguay? Oh there he is 7:08 remaining in the 3rd.

Where is the D on that pass man!!(this I yelled loudly...)

Aebi should have been there for the Horcoff goals

Forsberg doesnt look right in a flyers jersey

Bonk....did I start Bonk?(I didnt by the way)

Even though we lost I am still as giddy as a school girl

Wow....riveting thought provoking analysis from the best mind in hockey...

All my fantasy team names need to be changed from the Solid Muldoons to the Fluffernutters.

Aside 2
I totally scored free tickets to the home opener on the tenth. Great seats too...who wants ta come??!!

I have nothing left to say...

04 October 2005

Ankle Rage

My foot is getting better. I can walk on it without too much discomfort. It is painful to bend it up and down and side to side but as long as I keep it straight I am fine...thus, still doing the frankenstien shuffle. Sadly, and this is the real kicker, it is still a bit swollen so I couldnt put on my boot this morning for work. That means the PI had to be told of the situation and that lead to everyone deciding that I have to return to Colorado tomorrow morning. Stupid Reno...I blame you for this.

So, with some regret I will be leaving Ely tomorrow bright and early to head back in the work truck. I wont miss the town but I will miss finishing what I started as well as working with these people a bit more. Not only is the trip 13 hours by my little 'ol broken self but I left my music in San Francisco....also my heart. No, but really. Have any of you ever been on Highway 50 "The Lonliest Road in America" without any music? I think I am going to die...

What has all this taught me? Reno, while kind of cute, isnt to be trusted. When Zump, Sugar Lips and Chipmunk suggest an adventure, stay in the car. Nevada is more dangerous then you think. Never call the PI.

the good news is, hockey starts tomorrow...I can watch the game from a local bar...warm and dirt free (we woke up to snow this morning). I can most likely pick up some tickets, like the home opener....it could be worse i suppose.

be safe out there~
The Bird

01 October 2005

If You're Going to San Francisco...

I am sitting here at midnight thirty with a flower in my hair. Waiting for the free love.....



Ahhh hell....

So, I have escaped Ely! This is the first of my four days off. I was planning on hitting Vegas with Thunderpussy but found out that another co-worker was going to SF and changed my plans. I have family in SF and love the city....so much in fact that I am pondering a move.

I was very excited to spend sometime in one of the best walking cities around. I had a cold (partially brought on by Chipmunk, who's been sick and partially brought on by breathing mine dust while screening at the site) but it was getting much better. I spent the night in Reno with a couple of co-workers and someones roommate. In a succesful attempt to steal a gay japanese man's bike (he gave us the key and told us to take it) I stepped in a large hole and twisted the ever-loving-fuck out of my ankle. It goes without saying that I was drunk when this happened right?

Hobbled....gimp....limp-a-fied. I am now using my mothers cane to get around. What the fuck...how bad does that suck?! I was so excited to cruise around town and now...i am limping to the bus stop. Needless to say I was a bummed. What can you do but suck it up and keep on limpin right? The good news is, soon I will have a wonderful picture of my nasty ass bruise that I can post here...i can hardly wait.