29 December 2005

Sleepy Time

Sadness...two days in a row.

Oh CHRIS DINGMAN!!! How i love thee.

My favorite player is on waivers!! Oh please hockey gods dont let him be sent to the minors.

If there are any hockey gm's reading this...i am tellin ya. This guy is a scrapper and he plays hard everynight even if he cant skate that well and doesnt really score goals. He loves the game and is a super great guy. Please someone pick him up! For god sakes he has TWO Stanley Cup Rings. If only for good luck just snatch him up!

********

Wednesday at 3:45am i woke up laughing. Laughing and laughing. The kind of laugh that you usually get in a church service or at a wedding. The kind you cant muffle or stop and it just gets funnier and funnier.

I was laughing at a dream that I had. At the time I thought it was brilliant. Really just so amazing that I wanted to write it down to share. And so, now the time has come to tell you what i wrote. First just read then I can explain...


"Whisper your dreams to me-& float them down" When I have the H20 bottle used to spray my ears when I am angry-I keep it in a drawer in the bathroom. If i was asked to spray down on angry world leaders (i was thinking Arab) ears during a heated exchange-oh-I dont have it...


Okay....so i sound like a crazy person huh? But really, most of the dream stems from a conversation i had with Munpe Q about how his ears get hot when he is angry. I guess I thought it would be funny if during some kind of heated meeting between world leaders i had to spray their ears with a water bottle to cool them down. (The US and some Middle Eastern Country seems like they hate each other the most what with Iran just banning all western music...which is why i thought Arab)
As for the, "Whisper your dreams to me and float them down" I remember thinking...in a boat. I will float them down in a boat.

god only knows where this came from...

So...screw that whole idea that you come up with your best ideas in the middle of the night eh?

Sweet dreams

28 December 2005

Office Depot Rage

I hope all of you xmas celebraters had a wonderful xmas. I hope all of you Hanukkah celebraters are enjoying the Festival of Lights. Did you xmas-ers know that Hanukkah means dedication in Hebrew? See, who says you cant learn something at a bar?!!

It is with a sad sad heart that I must report the passing of the "Time To Make the Doughnuts" actor, Michael Vale. I love this guy...he was a sleepy head just like me. I must have known somehow, that his time was coming, because i have been talking about this guy for a couple of weeks now. So sad...eat a doughnut in remembrance.


Two Minutes Hate
Thunderpussy and I went to the Office Depot yesterday to purchase office supplies with the corporate OD credit card. TP needed some binders so after encountering possibly the highest employee to patron ratio i have ever seen (We saw 10 between the door and the aisle) we perused the selection of binders. Oh, so many options! Sizes and colors! I love binders because it reminds me of being in school. I loved being in school. My nostalgia left quickly when i spied the prices. A 1" binder with a front clear pocket for a report page was running for 7.39. SEVEN DOLLARS AND THIRTY NINE CENTS. HOLY FUCK IS RIGHT! As Thunderpussy and I looked around we noticed all the prices ranged between $6-7.50. God forbid you need a 3-4 inch binder, those would run about 15 bucks.

I remember last year heading to the Depot or the Max to buy a planner for the coming year. I have to have a planner. Oh, stop with the "who's so fancy" talk. I just work two jobs and try to have a social life. As Bone and i were shopping i came upon the planner i wanted. Simple, clear, small, plain.....35 dollars. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!!" Bone had to make me leave the store.

I understand that these large office supply stores cater to businesses like the one I work for. We have a coporate account. We dont care if the binders are 2 or 10 bucks. We pass that cost along to the agency. These office supply stores can charge as much or as little as they would like. Never has my boss said, "Find the cheapest price." He just wants the stuff purchased...doesnt care how much it cost or where we bought it. Still, it just seems wrong to charge so much for a piece of plastic that was made in china by some child and cost all of 15 cents. And even at $7.39 you know that the little fucking rings will get all wanky and not close and end up ripping your papers and then you have to go searching for those stupid round hole repair things. Fucking Office Depot....

23 December 2005

Unrealistic Things

Asking people to pay off your student loans as xmas gifts
 
 
Waiting for the boss to call you back when he said he would
 
 
Not eating the fudge that is in the fridge
 
 
Remembering to take the two month old milk out of the fridge
 
 
Expecting to get work done on the friday before a 3-day weekend
 
 
Bush getting impeached
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

22 December 2005

Holiday Rage

So here I am at 7:08am blogging. The person my co-workers call sleepy head no less..i arrived at work at 6:45. Yes, that is right I am a sick fuck. But really, what an amazing sun rise here in Boulder. The sky is filled with wispy clouds and is just on fire. Look I took a photo...



I wish I could actually get up this early, watch the amazing sunrise and not feel like i need a nap in the afternoon. Just for funsies here is a photo of my co-worker Thunderpussy....





Two Minutes Hate
It is that time of year. A season when people feel a bit nicer, help others a bit more, and-in my own humble opinion-walk a hundred times slower.

Honestly, what the fuck is up with that?! It is xmas man! I dont have time to meander around the goddamn target watching you ooohhh and awwwwwww at some stupid singing santa doll. I know you havent decided what you are going to get your uncle murray but really, can you at least get the fuck out of the way for those of us who know exactly what we are getting and where it is located??

Sure, you may be fat or old or have a debilitating mental disorder...i can understand that you may not be able to walk as fast as others. I have no problems with that. I am not asking you to walk faster, just to recognize that the world does not move at your snail like pace. Be aware and most importantly, get the fuck out of my way! I would hate to ram this cherry red cart right up your ass!

Happy Holidays!

16 December 2005

Just For Pumpkin Head

The other day my pal Pumpkin Head told me that he doesnt read. Not in the afterschool special way but in the I-am-too-lazy-to-read-your-blog way. So...just for him...PHOTO BLOG.

Hey pumpkin...if the captions next to the photos get too much for you, let me know and I will just delete them as well!



A Bird Is Born


















Last xmas in the mountains










Oooohhhh...archaeology. Rock art in Albuquerque










Look it's Lake Pontchartrain!











The Grand Mesa looking south










Two twirling pals











Valley of Fires Recreation Area, New Mexico









Tiny man on a beach in Oregon











meow meow











Babies love the broncos and beer

















Where i spent fourth grade










Cows eating pumpkins











chickens at the oregon coast


















Hockey!











Canada













Is your butt pictured?






Inside the Biosphere


















I always had a hard time with the trees...a card i made for my parents















So...there you go PH! Hope your happy.

Best to you all!

Birdy-bird

12 December 2005

Poppin' Bird's Cherry

Yikes, i grossed myself out with that one.


I am coming off a weekend filled with things I have never done before. I thought it would be interesting to share two bits of it with you.

I began by eating a burger as big as my face. No shit...i held it up to my face to check it out. The buns on this thing were freakin HUGE. I mean, are those special order buns or what? And what it gods name would the point of a burger as big as your face be? Aren't americans fat enough?

By the by...i finished it and it was yummy.


After the burger i thought to myself..."What's a good compliment to eating a face-sized burger?" Shooting a weapon of course!

So i headed over to the shooting range to unleash my rage on a tiny silhouette man. I was firing this weapon.

I must say, i was nervous. Even though my father and brothers had gone hunting, I never went. I never tagged along when they went to the boonies to shoot cans and the whatnot.

The range was an interesting mix of men who were obviously crazy with the power that guns give you and nice gentlemen who had been hunters and military men when they were younger. While standing at the assigned stall I realized that if one of the people at the range wanted to kill me dead that I was easy pickens. Really, any yahoo can rent a gun for 10 bucks!

While loading my clip (ohhh...i sound so gun-tastic I know) the man three stalls down began firing what sounded like a cannon. Seriously...it was so god damn loud it made me jump every time he fired. My pal went first...nice grouping but a bit of a pull to the left...and then it was my turn. I was so nervous, thinking about what my mother used to say when i would horseplay in the house "You could kill someone!" But this time...i really could have turned and killed my friend and the cannon man and even that one chick who was really too excited about it all.

Ohh...deep breaths. Trying to relax and stop my shaking hands. I went through all the things my friend had told me before we left for the range. slide clip in hard, always pointing down range, finger off trigger, right thumb under slide release/lock, right thumb comes up and releases saftey, deep breath, left thumb cocks gun when ready. whoooo......breathe breathe, when ready-finger on trigger...deep breath....POP. There goes your cherry.

How'd I do? Not too bad. Of the nine that hit the poor silhouette man, 1 hit dead center (take that you dirty bastard!), 3 in the 9 ring, 4 in the 8 ring and 1 in the 7 ring.



Even if I never go again, I can say this...it was a very interesting and eye opening experience. Something I think you have to try before you can poopoo the idea....im lookin right in the mirror when i say that!

****
All in all an interesting weekend that will stay with me for a long time (did I mention the burger was as big as my FACE??)

08 December 2005

The Game Or The Play By Agatha Christie?

I havent read or seen a production of The Mousetrap but i have played the game which, i believe, was based on the play...right? Totally...

Today is like that plastic mousetrap. Everything is hinging on the ball dropping. Nothing else is happening. Nothing can happen unless that freakin ball falls. all the little chutes and ladders are just waiting there...

So here i sit. Dangling like that stupid cage...waiting to fall on the plastic mouse. Waiting for phone calls and clarification and the national archives and the printers and the photos. In bank lines and at the post office i stand...waiting to spring into action. Spring isnt right....plop is more appropriate i suppose.


"plop plop fizz fizz" says the bird

05 December 2005

6 Ways to Kill a Bird

My pal Large Marge brought me in a pie today.  Cherry, my favorite!  Yum...it was most delicious.  I enjoyed a piece with a nice cup of coffee and a computer filled with crappy word docs.  It took the edge off of what was an anger filled monday morning. But really, would it be a monday morning if i didnt stroke my little ball of hate?  I think not...
 
Two Minutes Hate
The wind up here in Boulder is blowin like a mother with gusts up to 90mph. Goddamn if i didnt almost die 6 times.  What, you think I am exaggerating? 
 
1. Vision obscured because tumbleweeds covered windshield
 
2. Trashcan blew into on coming traffic
 
3. Vision obscured by blowing dirt/snow, asshats in front of me slam on breaks
 
4. Swinging traffic light fell near my car
 
5. Wind gusts made high profile truck in the next lane swerve into mine
 
6. Wind almost picked up my car and flipped me over
 
Okay, maybe the 6th was a bit of an exaggeration but still, 5 near-deaths before coffee...wouldnt you be angry too?
 
 
eyes on the road--hands at 10 and 2 people!
~Bird

02 December 2005

iPod game...

Fighting work and sleep and boredom...
 
Step 1
pull out your ipod
 
Step 2
browse by song
 
Step 3
scroll down while counting one mississippi, two mississippi, three mississippi
 
Step 4
note song and artist
 
Step 5
repeat
 
 
1. Bartender~ Slim Cessna's Auto Club
2. Casey Joes~ The Grateful Dead
3. Devil In Me~ 22-20's
4. Finger Lickin Good~ Beastie Boys
5. Just Like Honey~ Jesus and Mary Chain
6. Please Don't Talk About Me When I'm Gone~ Sammy Davis Jr.
7. Tea For Two~ Mambo All-Stars
8. Watch Your Step~ Elvis Costello and the Attractions
9. Zoo Station~ U2
 
Birdy's pod says:
"Tweet tweet"
 

30 November 2005

Neither snow nor rain my ass...

Happiest of all happy birthday wishes to my pal Scoot! You are the best chica!!


Two Minutes Hate
You know what I love? Mail! I love getting mail...only these days it is mostly bills and junk. No one sends letters anymore. Remember how great it was to get an honest to god hand written letter from someone?

You know what I hate? Mailmen! Wanna know why??
The cock sucker of a mailman dropped off mail in my box (dont I wish) and didnt pick up my mail. He put the new mail right on top. Seriously...the god damn flaggy thing was up even.

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds." Most of their appointed rounds is a better term it seems. I am tempted to leave a nasty note for him but you know that will just result in turds on top of my mail.

Damn you Mailman!!

Bird

PS i just decided that if i ever become a super hero, Super Bird or something like that, my nemesis will be The Mailman.

28 November 2005

Bird-Zilla

I killed an entire civilization this evening.

From the moment they settled in the valley of Leftover Chili they had worried about what seemed to be their impending destruction. Surely they had no more then one-perhaps two-generations before the Great Sponge would come for them. Still, they made homes, built schools, and formed community theater troupes.

Many many centuries past. So many, in fact, that they had almost forgotten what their ancestors told them..."One day, the Great Sponge will come with Lemon-Scented death." Silly, they thought.

They developed space flight and stretched to the furthest reaches of their world.


They felt invincible.


Today, the ground began to shake. The whole world began to spin. Suddenly, the ceiling was ripped off of their world. Every pioneer who traveled to the moon colony was suddenly gone. Before anyone had a chance to sound an alarm, scalding rain poured down upon them. Entire cities were swept away.

Then, without warning. Liquid Lemon gushed from above....

There were no survivors.

My Fallen Brethren



Just a little love for my dead brothers and sisters...













I was sans family this year and I must say, it was wonderful! I think it was wise for the angry bird to not be with family lest this quote appear in the local paper about me "Man beat family to death on Thanksgiving"

~tweet

22 November 2005

That One Person...

There are all kinds of people in my life. 
 
Each of them serves a purpose.  Each of them gives me something that I need.  That is what your friends do, they each give you something you need and in turn, you give to them. 
 
There are the people I talk to when I am feeling blue because they make me laugh and make me see that I am really an okay person.  There are the people you go to see chick movies with.  There are the people that I go shopping with.  People that I talk to when I need a slap in the face and a kick in the ass.  All kinds....
 
Each serves a purpose and each means a lot to me, even if I dont share it enough.
 
Last night, at 3am, while I was laying awake and having trouble sleeping I talked to the person who helps me relax.  The person who puts me at ease.  Thanks for that.
 
 
~Tweet Tweet~
 
 
 

19 November 2005

Whew!!!

Well, I am feeling much better. Yesterday was just miserable all around.

Today looks to be better.

The first sign of a better day is that I seem to have missed the Jehovah's Witnesses. I came home from the house/dog sitting to pick up some clothes and make sure the gato was still alive and noticed a JW pamphlet stuck in my door. Still warm. Nah, just jerkin yer chain.

What would I do if they showed up when I was here? The way my house is set up I cant really hide from someone at the door. So, I would have been forced to not answer knowing that they would see me ignoring them, or answer the door. I am sure I would have done the latter. When they started talking I would have taken all their matierals, let them blather on about Jesus while i sat zoning out and thinking about my new hockey jersey, and stopped just short of inviting them in. I most likely would have made up an excuse about how I have some meeting or appointment. They would have asked if they could come back and I would have said sure and set up a time and then made sure not to be home when they came back. I would have spent the next month or so living in constant fear of them returning and being forced to talk about religion.

Birdy is a sucker for people at her door. I cant tell you how much money i have given to charities, how many cookies or magazines I have bought from some school, how many lawn service or chimney sweepers I have listened to. I just cant say no at the door.

The BEST news from all of this is that "The suffering is near its end." Ya see, it seems that life and everything was just a big joke by god. He just wanted to prove to us that we arent better off living without his rule. That why there's been so much suffering. Wow...you really got me god. Nice one....

18 November 2005

Friday Rage

Two Minutes Hate
I hate fridays that act like mondays.  That should be illegal. 
 
If you are at work on a friday and it starts feeling like a monday, just go home.  If you find, perhaps, that your duties have changed and instead of doing the mindless task you were doing the day before you will now be doing an equally mindless task that you cant f*&ing stand....GO HOME. 
 
If you find that your plans for a nice evening with friends have been ruined because of some stupid physical ailment...GET DRUNK AT HOME AND PASS OUT.
 
If you realize that you wont get to go to the airport and you were really looking forward to it...MAKE PLANE NOISES AND TWIRL.
 
maybe not the last one.
 
 
I am annoyed!!!  Stupid friday!
 
 
B

14 November 2005

Snow Rage

Today, as I was driving towards laundry and the hockey game, i had one of those great colorado moments. It smelled like rain and snow all day long. Then, just as I was leaving the wind picked up. The snow started to fly, coming sideways mixed with dry yellow leaves and a stray newspaper insert.

I was so happy in that moment. I love the snow. I love winter and everything it suggests. I especially love the moment that a season changes...it is like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As I was driving my bliss turned to rage. Funny how that happens...

You people all live in colorado. You all have CO plates and suv's and ski racks. What is the deal with your crappy winter driving? Do you have long term memory issues and you just forget each spring summer and fall what to do when the streets get slick?

Ah jeez......

Say What?

Birdy said possibly the strangest thing today...and that is saying a lot.
 
"Fuck that, I dont want alligators getting into my castle.  That ain't right."
 
Even if i explained the context in which that phrase was uttered it still  wouldnt make a lick a sense (as my dear mum would say). 
 
 

13 November 2005

You Dont Know Nuthin'

Ohh..my name is Munpe Q and I am sooooo smart. 
 
 

10 November 2005

Dangerous Vapor

I am sitting at home listening to music and pondering a spin of the old DVD player now that I know it isnt broken (thanks again Aussie).

"Bird bird bird...i know you are a lazy fuck," you may be thinking to yourself, "but surely you arent ditching work and blogging about it are you?"

OH heavens no, and dont call me shirley (just for you K).

Today we got two reverse 911 calls. The first, from the Lafayette Police Department said something about capturing the fugative and that we were all clear. Umm...okay. The second, from the Boulder Police Department, told us that we had to evacuate because we were in the 2sq mile evac area. Reno started singing "Highway to the Danger Zone." It was good times. Seems there was some sort of hazmat issue up the road at the IBM plant.

Needless to say, free day off baby!

I went to lunch, bought two CD's (I highly recommend them both, Wolf Parade (which I remember hearing about somewhere) and The Magic Numbers ~thanks for the turn on to them both Slim!~), and am now happily sucking down an ice cold 90 shilling. Ahhh....solid.

There is hockey on tonight and things are looking great...

One Comes In and One Goes Out...

Good news from Pennsylvania and the GOP. Maybe today wont be so bad after all...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Yesterday early morning a friend of mine died.

Three hours later, somewhere else, a new baby girl was born to good friends of my pal Munpe Q.


Life is funny like that sometimes...


B

08 November 2005

Sunflower State Rage

Until just a moment ago I was filled with this kind of crazy insane happy energy.

Two Minutes Hate
Again, with the Kansas State School Board.

The Kansas State School Board Ok'ed new science standards that say "high school students must understand major evolutionary concepts. But they also declare that the basic Darwinian theory that all life had a common origin and that natural chemical processes created the building blocks of life have been challenged in recent years by fossil evidence and molecular biology. In addition, the board rewrote the definition of science, so that it is no longer limited to the search for natural explanations of phenomena."

Rewrote the definition of science? Are you serious?

The most frustrating bit of the story is this quote from board member John Bacon, "It gets rid of a lot of dogma that's being taught in the classroom today." In the same paragraph it says that the new language will promote "academic freedom."

Well, someone has been reading Lakoff.


I am so annoyed right now at the turns this country has been taking. Backstepping into the middle ages. Becoming more and more conservative (not always a bad thing) while at the same time throwing science and reason under the bus.

Too frustrated to write a good response.

04 November 2005

Inside Bird's Plasma

What college student hasnt been strapped for cash? Thinking, how can i buy books, eat and pay for beer with just my crappy work study job? Good question!

When i was in college, after a month of cheese and mustard sandwiches and then just mustard and bread when the cheese ran out, i thought...using my body as an organic ATM isnt such a bad idea. Ahhh...yes.....selling plasma!!

The first time you sell your plasma, you have to go through a physical as well as a "rigorous" questioning. They feel you up, take some blood and make sure you havent had unprotected sex with a man from Africa since 1978. Yeah, i am serious. They asked me, have you had a tattoo in the last year. I answer yes....and they say, umm...okay dont tell anyone that. This is where a doctor, while listening to my heart asked:
Doc: "Has anyone ever told you that you have a heart murmur?"
Bird: "Um...no"
Doc: "OK"
Bird: "Well, do i?"
Doc: "Nah, I was just wondering."

Grrrreeeeaaattt......

So after the questions they spin your blood and make sure you dont have diseases. This is the fun time where you hope to god they dont call you into the small room to break the bad news.

If you pass the muster they send you to the back room. A bunch of chairs with machines and people sitting there getting the very life sucked out of them. They show you to a chair and let you pick a magazine and there you wait for someone to hook you up.

The first time I went I was nervous. It was thundering outside...greenish skies that suggested tornados. Anyone who knows the Bird knows that I hate tornados. In fact, i am down right terrified of them. So, here i sit...waiting for needles and blood and there are tornados. Suddenly, the skies part and the sun breaks out. I look up and my attendent is walking toward me. He is a small nice looking man. Brown hair that reaches his shoulders. A full brown beard and a nice smile. I look at the name on his lab coat and it says CHRIST. No shit. I just kinda look up at Christ and point. He looks down and says, "Oh yeah...its Christopher but they tried to fit as many letters on there as they could."

They hook you up and suck out your blood...spin it like crazy to separate the clear yellowish fluid portion of the blood that transports water and nutrients to all the cells in the body. The plasma is used for transfusions for people who have suffered shock, burns or trauma. See, so selling yourself is a good thing.

Once you are done you get some saline and 25 bucks! Wow...what a deal. They advise you to go straight home and eat something. Take it easy for a while. I also recommend this. Once, I couldnt go straight home. See, I needed that 25 bucks for food...most importantly food for the gatos. So there I stand in the grocery line...holding my bag of cat food and trying not to let the bloody cotton ball slip off my arm. I start to feel woozy. Ugh....the clerk asks if i am okay...i look pale. I get the food and drive home. When i get there i have nothing left, literally sucked dry. So i lay on the floor and open the cat food. "Kitties...you just have to eat here." My roommate finds me on the ground-cat food scattered around my body.

I stopped giving plasma after that...

03 November 2005

The Sickness Rage

Here i am....in pain but making some noodles because birdy has to eat and take meds. The best way to ignore the pain? Blog! Yes, soon you will all see that blogging actually adds years to your life. Dont believe me? Ummm....i have no catchy come back to that.

Two Minutes Hate
Okay...so i have been catching a lot of flack for this so called "bird flu" Let me just say right now that I am not the bird responsible for all the sickness in Asia. In fact, I've never even been there! But now, i start to hear things out of our own country. Things that kinda scare me. This came in just today, "Dealing with bird flu: no kissing birds"

WHAT? That's just mean! I wont hurt you, I promise! (Unless you're into that kinda thing and then we can talk)

Really though...i am harmless...mostly....come on....pucker up!!! What are ya Chicken?

HAHAHA went the Bird

02 November 2005

Directions...

Methocarbamol 500mg
Take one tablet by mouth two or three times daily for spasm.
MAY CAUSE DIZZINESS
MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS
DO NOT take alcohol or non persecription drugs without consulting your doctor.

Diclofenac 50mg
Take one tablet by mouth twice daily with food.
This medication should be taken with PLENTY of WATER.
SWALLOW WHOLE. Do not crush or chew
Medicine may cause drowsiness or dizziness
If medication upsets your stomach, take with a modest meal, crackers, or bread.


I wish someone was here to entertain me....and make me a modest meal.


When will these damn pills kick in??!!!

tweet tweet went the sore bird...

31 October 2005

Untitled Rage

One of my favorite websites is Catholic.org I like to check out the Saints and Angels section. You can find all kinds of neato information. For example, i have begun praying to the two Patron Saints of Shovelbums St. Helena and St. Damasus. I figure...maybe these guys can help me figure out what to do.

I have been looking for the Patron Saint of backpain and it turns out it is St. Percocet and St. Patron.

Two Minutes Hate
Why are people afraid to be happy?
(repeat 10 more times)

29 October 2005

Halloween Rage

I love Halloween. I dont know why. I dont think i had a memorable halloween as a kid but as an adult it is my favorite holiday. I think because it is strange and fun. Something about people dressing up perhaps. Even though this bird isnt child friendly, i really enjoy checking out kids costumes. Some of them are down right hilarious. You can tell that these kids are going to be something special. Today, while on my way to the tire store i saw a kid dressed as a mail man. He had the mailman hat, the bag, the blue shirt and dark pants and a pair of loafers. I nearly ran him over i was laughing so hard. (see what i mean about not kid friendly?)

This may lead you to ask the bird..."Bird, how did you see a kid dressed up, in the middle of the day, on the 29th no less." To you, dear questioner i would say this...

Two Minutes Hate
There were kids trick-or-treating at noon at some shops near my house. Now, this bothers me a bit but I can understand why shop owners do this. However, all you little bastards who are going out trick-or-treating tonight...tell your parents they are assholes. Go on...i'll wait.

You cant make a kid trick-or-treat on saturday because it is easier for you! damn man dont you know anything? I'm looking at you Sam!!



ASIDE
I just want to thank the UNC Bears (my stinky alma mater) for whooping up on the Fat Loser...i mean Fort Lewis Skyhawks (as opposed to the lesser known groundhawk). Sklimps went to Fort Lewis (How do you get a Fort Lewis Graduate off your porch? Pay for the Pizza!) and we had a little bet going as to who would win. Of course Sklimps knows that the SH's were gonna get blown away but like a good booster he still made the bet. Final score? 45-14! Thanks man---i like my beer ice cold!

28 October 2005

ZZZZzzzzzzz Rage

You know how you get so tired that your eyes feel scratchy and heavy? And even though you thought you would never fall asleep in the car you find your head bobbing? Well, i had that all day today. Really bad...even coffee didnt help. Fuck, music didnt even help!

And then...the cruellest of all fates...insomnia.

Here it is...2am. Not even droopy.

I cant slow my brain down sometimes. Thousands of things are running through my head. I jump from one to the next, not even completing a thought. Round and round and round.

I want to take my brain out and wring out all the thoughts and ideas and questions. Stuff it back in dry as a bone.

25 October 2005

Hell Is For The Lustful

I took this test two years ago and found myself in the Second Level of Hell. I took it today and surprise surprise (as gomer would say) I am still there. Ahh...lust!

Take it yourself and prepare for your future...plus, since it is based on the description of Hell found in Dante's Divine Comedy, it is really just an educational tool.

Dante's Inferno Test

Names

So...i have been drinking...excuse this post.

Slim, Laser and I were sitting around drinking, as we sometimes do...

Scoot was asking about her name. Upset that she had to be called scoot even though we all agreed that scoot was a cute name and Scoot is, easily, the cutest person I know. Really, i cant even explain this to people. Not cute like oh, hello kitty...but cute like...holy fucking shit that is so goddamn cute....god be buggered that's a big ass fajita plate cute!

So...Scoot decided that she wanted to be called:
Yo! I'm a badass mo fo kick your sweet behind from here to
Tinglewood bitch I fucking own your shit, aka Scoot.

Wow....that is a long name but what ever YIBMFKYSBFHTBIFOYS aka Scoot wants, she gets.

Scoot also did this...several times.

There were a number of great phrases that were passed around but my drunken mind has forgotten them all. Slim...laser...help me out eh???

sleepy bird say
gnight!

22 October 2005

Notes From The PK

Promise Keepers....

It rolls around the PC once a year and for some reason i end up signing up for it. Glutton for punishment? Perhaps. Maybe I am just looking for blog fodder...

I was at a stationary position all night which is nice because it lets you experience the freakshow that is PK-2005 or as it was often called, "The Awakening". People often ask us KSE employees....what is the worst event you work? Mine was the Nas show where I got punched in the face (see previous blog) or maybe the Reel Big Fish Show. PK is nowhere near the worst event. It is easy and the guys mostly stay away from you. However, it is hands down the biggest white trash event. Most people are surprised by that. Thinking that monster trucks or some country music show would be the worst. Honestly, there were more toothless men (i counted 15 from my post) then minorities.

There was a group of men, just down from me, who would stop random people-chat with them and then force them into some kind of group hug/prayer circle. The men would leave looking teary and moved but I think it is a kind of religious sexual harassment. My coworker and i were scared to walk near them lest we be dragged inside.

Some crazy man wearing a beanie (with propeller) and flashing lights and a goofy outfit (his attempt to be "wacky" and connect with the kids), asked us how many PC employees were "serving the Promise Keepers" tonight. He looked upset when I laughed and said, "oh no...we are getting paid for this...are you kidding??" Me and my stupid mouth...always talking before i think.

I saw a highschool classmates father at the event. Melanie Keuglers dad....wow. I cant believe i recognized him after all these years. The small town where I graduated high school had less then 1000 people but 10 churches. Everyone went to church and if you werent a church family (like myself) you were not to be trusted. The irony of the whole situation, one that has been repeated over and over again throughout the nation, is that most of the "good church kids" ended up pregnant, dropping out of school, on drugs, arrested etc. Melanie was one of these kids. She ended up pregnant had an abortion and got pregnant again. She decided to keep it, moved to Chicago and then gave it up for adoption. I wanted to ask Mr. Keugler how his daughter was doing but i couldnt stop laughing.

The best quote of the night came from a man who walked up to us, eyes glazed over.
Man: "No beer sales?"
Me: "No, sorry sir"
Man: "Damn, I never would have let them talk me into coming if I knew there wasnt going to be any beer..."

Indeed...

So, during some events I pick something to count. Depending on the show it can be mullets, leather pants, how many times someone says "howdy" or "sweetheart", whatever seems appropriate for the show. Tonight I chose Toothless Men and how many times someone said "God Bless". As I mentioned before...15 toothless men. Wow! I figured that the God Bless would be off the charts however, I only got 4 God Blesses. What the fuck churchies? I was helping you all over the place...the least you could do was try and help my cause with the big guy upstairs.

I am sure it will be okay though because someone told me as I was going on break that they would pray for me.

B

19 October 2005

Job Skillz

I need a new job...badly. Because, you see, once again and for the 4th time this month I am sitting at home, not working because there is nothing for me to do. (squirt, do the comma mistakes in this sentence make your head hurt?) I am a full time salaried employee...but not really. They can work me to death and I dont get overtime however, if i miss work they take it out of my check. I am getting screwed with my pants on.

Thus, I need a new job. You can help! Let me tell you my various skills and then you can hire me. Or, you can tell me about job openings you see as you commute to work.

~I am hi-larious. But this you must already know.

~I have mad digging skillz. You need a squared off 1x1m hole dug at 10cm levels in your backyard? Man...that's my bag baby!

~I work well under pressure. In fact, so well that I love to put things off until the last possible second so that the pressure is intense!! This may come in handy if you need someone who can disarm a bomb with only 1 second remaining. (caveat- i would need to be taught how to disarm a bomb...but I learn quickly)

~I like to read. I read a lot and i enjoy it. That also makes me smart right?

~I am smart. (See above)

~I like repetitive tasks. I have worked at the library, a grocery store, and as an encoder. I enjoyed them for various reasons. I like to stamp things and swipe things. I like to type too.

~I am good with people. This may surprise some of you but....i like people. Not stupid people or arrogant people, or ignorant people but funny and smart people. I love them!

~I am a poor speller but am totally aware of that fact so i always double spell check big words.

~I like ice patches. I can explain them to you if you would like.

~I like to make lists. Just like this one.

~I rock in the sack. This skill really only applies to a few jobs...but it is good information i think.


Okay...i have a CV filled with bum jobs (i have even written some reports and what not) as well as a couple of recommendations. I have transcripts too so let me know.

Thanks for all your legwork. I am looking for full-time or a flexible part time job.

~Tweet Tweet

17 October 2005

Llama

Ahh....saw this on my friends website and had to post it here since i just talked about llamas.....good times

Llama Fun

14 October 2005

Fun On the Farm

I stink.

No, not stink like, "I am no good at this"...or "I killed a hobo in his sleep, what a stinker I am". I actually stink. I have spent the last four days recording various properties near Loveland. Today each property had farm animals. The first had a goat and pigs and cows and gatos (which I know arent farm animals but still) and a horse. The goat was just wandering around which the owner said was okay but let me tell ya, you havent lived until you've been bumped from behind by a goat while trying to take a photo of the pig slop. The second place had tons of pigs, roaming chickens and cows....more cows. They had a nice little gato that followed me around the house while I mapped it. I called him stinker because he stunk...just like me. The third place had more cows and some chickens and even more gatos. One I called orange because he was orange and he kept attacking me as I was recording the privy. This was also the place that made me decide not to eat cows and pigs anymore. It was disgusting. Jules Winnfield was right...pigs are filthy animals. Not only that...this one cow was drinking the other cows piss right from the steaming hole! Blech!!


But...yesterday was the kicker. We roll up on this house. A small home and a back forty filled with salvage items and some livestock. You know it is going to be strange when the first thing you say to your co-worker is, "are those peacocks on the roof?" So, yes, they had peacocks...most which were on the roof. They had a kennel filled with basset hounds and two pitbulls. They had a pen with 25+ goats, llamas, two ponies, geese, chickens and a single pig that was too fat to walk. They also had roaming llamas that would surprise the fuck out of you. They spit you know... Anyway...it was like the ark...but without the cool animals, and the water...and a guy named noah. Though i was with a guy named steve...was there a steve on the ark? But I digress...

So in addition to this pen and the kennel and the roof cocks the back forty contained a salvage yard. Fencing materials, bricks etc etc. Also, 7 sets of front stairs. Just the steps and the railing and the first landing. Strange. 15 tuff sheds, 9 abandoned trucks and cars, Three open pits with some kind of burned bones (yikes), 15 steel drums with "SALVAGE" on the side (for dissolving dead bodies I think), one "Hazardous Waste" sign, a pile of fire extinguishers, two bus stop shelters from Fort Collins, and a metal square-lined with plywood and plastic-filled with unopened bottles of bleach...and I mean filled.

Honestly, it was the strangest thing I have ever seen. I actually felt uncomfortable there, which doesnt happen often. Contrary to popular belief I hardly ever risk my life at work. Rarely do I come upon a group of nazis about to steal an ancient treasure and have to blow up their plane and fist fight with them...rarely.

B

11 October 2005

A Perfect Moment

Do you ever have one of those moments that just shine?

Yesterday I am coming home from work. It had been snowing/raining all day. It was kind of gloomy which i love. I was headed toward my first NHL game in over a year. I was excited and giddy and totally feeling it. Erasure had just popped up on the ipod and I was loving it! I am headed up a hill, singing along. I look over and there, in the rain and freezing temperatures is an inflatable Sports Clip Mascot. The poor person in the blow-up suit is twirlling and hopping and most likely cursing outloud while doing it. Just as I look over, they fall...hitting the ground and rolling a bit. Trying to get up must be impossible in one of those things since your arms are trapped inside. I cant imagine how hard it is in the freezing rain on an incline.

Everything around me became clear for a moment. like the heavens opened and every car paused. I saw it all happening from above, like an out of body experience. It was amazing. Then, just as quickly it was gone. Another perfect moment...

Life can be so beautiful sometimes. I am just sad a poor inflatable mascot had to be hurt so that I could remember that...

peace~
Bird

10 October 2005

Quake Rage

Foot is feeling good but work is really stinking. Here I sit, again with nothing to do. Something has to change...Stupid Reno!

Additionally, the birdmobile isnt doing so well. Something is chunking and coughing so it has to be looked at. Sigh....it's always something eh?

The good news is....Hockey tonight. First NHL game in over a year. I am very excited. So excited in fact that i just peed in my pants a little. Good thing I am all alone eh? Also, snow! I love the snow. Here in Boulder it is just raining...which is strange. There was ~5 inches at my house today. Good times...

Two Minutes Hate
I was talking to my friend Newbie...who i just decided shall now and forever be called squirt (you dont like that one? zip it!)..and I said "Newbie (cause I hadnt changed his name yet), Newbie...how many people have to die (not including western europeans) before the US hosts some kind of live television fundraiser for them??" Obviously more the 30,000 eh? That is the vague number of dead in the quake that hit southeast asia.

30,000 people. Can you imagine? Think Katrina, and 9-11 and Rita, and throw in 25, 000 more people and you can start to get an idea. Is this tsunami big? no...not even close. But the ammount of destruction and loss of life exceeds anything we have faced as a nation. So why arent all the celebrities jumping on the Earthquake telethon bandwagon?

I can see that this most recent natural disaster comes on the heels of the last one. It may be too soon to hold another fundraiser but really...people dont seem to be interested. What makes this one different?

I have a guess....and it isnt a nice one. I wonder if people dont care because it hit Pakistan. Because "all those people killed are terrorists anyway." Really? Are we that stupid? It appears that we may indeed be.

I sent more money to the red cross, supposedly earmarking it for earthquake relief in the region. I am sure it will get there but I wonder how much help they will receive from others. Just to make sure we all understand who was effected by this earthquake you should know that:

"Officials in the North West Frontier Province about 60 miles north of Islamabad, said that it was one of the hardest-hit areas. Near the ruins of one collapsed school, at least a dozen bodies lay in the streets. More than 200 pupils were feared trapped inside the rubble of a four-story school.

Dozens of villagers pulled at the debris and carried away bodies. Faizan Farooq, a 19-year-old student, said he had heard children under the rubble crying for help immediately after Saturday's disaster."

I really hope that I am wrong. That people are just too strapped after the Tsunami and the Hurricanes. That people have been momentarily distracted by the Yankees pushing a game 5 and the play of phenom Sidney Crosby. That soon former President Bush and Clinton will come out with another television commercial requesting aid for the region and that people will respond.


~And the cynical bird goes tweet tweet..

07 October 2005

Colorado State Patrol Rage

My doctors visit went well. I had fun x-rays and even got to take them home! Ahh, an art project. Maybe, if you know me, you can come over and check them out when i get em hung up! I love bones....i wish I could get some of all different parts of my body. Speaking of that...while lying on the table waiting for the machine to zap my foot, I was again struck with the idea of quickly sliding down and effectivly zzzzaaaapppping my pelvis!! No babies for me! Oh yes, no fracture of my fibula. The radiologist is going to look at them as well and you know, double check. I am wearing the air splint and it feels pretty good.

Two Minutes Hate
After my appointment I had to head up north to record a farm. Ahh...cows! So there I am, trucking along the 25...cruising at about 80mph. I pass a slow moving CSP car and as I am passing him I realize that he is getting caught behind a large tractor trailer. "Ahh...it sucks when that happens" I was thinking when, out of nowhere he turns on his lights and cuts me off. Okay, so i understand that cops do stuff like this...use their lights to go through a red light or make an illegal turn or something. It doesnt really bother me when they do it because I would do the same thing (so would you by the by....dont kid yourself!). However, this motherfucker cut me off. Not just, got in front of me but really cut me off. I had to hit the brakes pretty hard. This fucking pig is so goddamn special that he can go ahead and endanger some random person. So I honked at him. Cuz, what the fuck right?

So, then....because he is a complete douchebag, he gets on his cell phone (most likely calling information about the location of the nearest doughnut shop) and drives past 7 (i counted) Keep Right Except To Pass signs while cruising in the left lane at 60mph. I am so angry at this point. There are morons behind the guy going 55mph because they are worried about passing him. People...if a cop pulls you over for passing him when he is 15 under the speed limit you have nothing to worry about. Do you really need me to tell you this? So I called the non-emergency number and reported him. I know, what an asshole thing to do but he made me mad. I lied and said he wasnt wearing a seat belt either. Just for funsies. Really, it isnt like anything is going to happen but the women i was talking too seemed amused. So..take that CSP-274 you worthless bag-o-shit.

Dont you think we should have ramming devices on our cars for moments just like this?

safe driving everyone~
B

06 October 2005

Perfect Example

Here is a perfect example of why I want to leave archaeology all together and move away...

My boss tells me this afternoon that if the doctor says I am fine and that I can work that he is going to send me BACK out to Nevada.

WTF??!!

A Rage in Two Parts

I am going to the doctor tomorrow to have my foot looked at. It is fine and it feels good but people wont leave me alone about it (oh Bird...we care about you and dont want you to hurt your foot...bunch a punks). Also, i have health insurance so why not take care of it eh? I dont like doctors much. "But Bird" you say, "isnt your brother a doctor?" Ahh yes, the Lieutenant Commander...but see, he doesnt poke me with needles, something about it being unethical...but that doesnt stop me from asking for free medical advice and getting pain meds, if ya get my meaning. Anyway...xrays will ensue and i will have updates since i know you are all on the edge of your seats. Soon photos of my foot. For now...this photo that Scoot took in Amsterdam will have to do.


Solid!


Two Minutes Hate
Part 1
I am sitting here in Boulder with nothing to do! No work. Nothing!!!! I came home from Nevada and i am sitting here waiting for 7pm when K has graciously agreed to drop me off at home. only six more hours of watching the time slowly tick off the clock. How can there be nothing for me to do? Before there was too much to do and now, 15 days later there is nothing? NOTHING??? I am going crazy! CRAZY!!!
I am moving to San Francisco, working in a bookstore. I will tell you which one and you can come visit. People always say I'll visit but they never do. Someone come visit me??!!!! Right now!

Part 2
HOCKEY!!!!
This isnt so much a rage. I thought that I would share some notes I took while drinking heavily and watching the game last night. Here's the first ever...

Birds' Drunken Analysis
Written on a cocktail napkin...

Guys I like tonight
~Ian Lapirrerre Lapaireair...a pair of air...pears eat hair.
~Ryan Smyth of edmonton

I miss yubyub(Greg de Vris looks like an ewok)

Conklin is playing well...better then i expected him too.

Plop plop...fizz fizz Antti Laaksonen

Where's Tanguay? Oh there he is 7:08 remaining in the 3rd.

Where is the D on that pass man!!(this I yelled loudly...)

Aebi should have been there for the Horcoff goals

Forsberg doesnt look right in a flyers jersey

Bonk....did I start Bonk?(I didnt by the way)

Even though we lost I am still as giddy as a school girl

************
Wow....riveting thought provoking analysis from the best mind in hockey...



Aside
All my fantasy team names need to be changed from the Solid Muldoons to the Fluffernutters.

Aside 2
I totally scored free tickets to the home opener on the tenth. Great seats too...who wants ta come??!!


I have nothing left to say...
B

04 October 2005

Ankle Rage

My foot is getting better. I can walk on it without too much discomfort. It is painful to bend it up and down and side to side but as long as I keep it straight I am fine...thus, still doing the frankenstien shuffle. Sadly, and this is the real kicker, it is still a bit swollen so I couldnt put on my boot this morning for work. That means the PI had to be told of the situation and that lead to everyone deciding that I have to return to Colorado tomorrow morning. Stupid Reno...I blame you for this.

So, with some regret I will be leaving Ely tomorrow bright and early to head back in the work truck. I wont miss the town but I will miss finishing what I started as well as working with these people a bit more. Not only is the trip 13 hours by my little 'ol broken self but I left my music in San Francisco....also my heart. No, but really. Have any of you ever been on Highway 50 "The Lonliest Road in America" without any music? I think I am going to die...

What has all this taught me? Reno, while kind of cute, isnt to be trusted. When Zump, Sugar Lips and Chipmunk suggest an adventure, stay in the car. Nevada is more dangerous then you think. Never call the PI.

the good news is, hockey starts tomorrow...I can watch the game from a local bar...warm and dirt free (we woke up to snow this morning). I can most likely pick up some tickets, like the home opener....it could be worse i suppose.

be safe out there~
The Bird

01 October 2005

If You're Going to San Francisco...

I am sitting here at midnight thirty with a flower in my hair. Waiting for the free love.....

waiting....


waiting.....


Ahhh hell....


So, I have escaped Ely! This is the first of my four days off. I was planning on hitting Vegas with Thunderpussy but found out that another co-worker was going to SF and changed my plans. I have family in SF and love the city....so much in fact that I am pondering a move.

I was very excited to spend sometime in one of the best walking cities around. I had a cold (partially brought on by Chipmunk, who's been sick and partially brought on by breathing mine dust while screening at the site) but it was getting much better. I spent the night in Reno with a couple of co-workers and someones roommate. In a succesful attempt to steal a gay japanese man's bike (he gave us the key and told us to take it) I stepped in a large hole and twisted the ever-loving-fuck out of my ankle. It goes without saying that I was drunk when this happened right?

Hobbled....gimp....limp-a-fied. I am now using my mothers cane to get around. What the fuck...how bad does that suck?! I was so excited to cruise around town and now...i am limping to the bus stop. Needless to say I was a bummed. What can you do but suck it up and keep on limpin right? The good news is, soon I will have a wonderful picture of my nasty ass bruise that I can post here...i can hardly wait.

peace...
Bird

26 September 2005

Dirt

Places Where I Have Dirt:

ears, nose, hair, armpits, elbow cracks, between my fingers, under my fingernails, my eyes, my mouth, my ass crack, my hoohoo, behind my knees, between my toes, under my toe nails.



It is windy and cold and there is a lot of dirt.



Help me...

18 September 2005

Football Commercials

So, i should be packing but I'm not. Big surprise to anyone who knows me. I am queen of the procrastinators. I wrote my undergrad honors thesis in a weekend. I totally suck...

Anyway, i had to watch football....for my fantasy team right? Right...

As we speak, I am up by two points..mother-fucker. I drafted so poorly.

Also, I have things to do like, blog about commercials I liked while watching football this afternoon. Yes....priorities people!

First-- The King Scores! Honestly, I nearly wet my pants everytime i see this one.

and

Second-- Southwest Airlines...that guy chucking a pineapple at the little checker boy? Goddamn if I didnt pee a little.

Ahh good times. If I have to sit through a thousand commercials during a game (is it just me or do they seem to cram even more in than usual?) I am glad these two exist.


For those not in the know, I am off for a month. I plan on dispatching from Ely Nevada when I can. The site is near the BHP Copper Co's Robinson Project. The works are claimed to be the world's largest re-mining operation. They say those machines can run over a truck and not even notice...as a safety precaution they are making us wear steel toe boots....i feel much better.

Bird

14 September 2005

I Almost Died Yesterday

Once, i was traveling from Stinktown to Denver with a good friend of mine, Cracker. She was driving. I had been debating telling her a big secret about a mutual friend of ours and decided to spill the beans. So, i turn to her...."Cracker, I have something to tell you. I slept with the reverend last week, on accident." This was shocking news...so shocking that she swerved off the road almost killing us both. We had to stop the car, get out and take a few deep breaths. Scary stuff; sex with the reverend and the near fatality. (as an aside...the reverend is an actual reverend now. He was a huge slut in college...)

Yesterday I am in rush hour traffic with my friend Thunderpussy. We are discussing sex stuff and she says, about messing around while on your period, "we call that fingerpainting." Needless to say, i was so surprised that i nearly slammed into the car in front of us. I laughed so hard and the near accident made me laugh even harder. Fingerpainting...it isnt nearly as gross as felching or snowballing but good lord it makes for vivid imagery.


Happy Hump Day to you all...
tweet tweet

12 September 2005

Links of Rage

Today while coming home from work i realized...deaf people probably cant talk and drive at the same time.


Two Minutes Hate
I am feeling better this week. Better about stuff in my life but not really any better about the mess that is the gulf coast. I have some things I want to pass along.

The first is a link to a story written by two EMS workers who were attending a conference when the hurricane hit. It is astounding.

The second is something written by J. Grant Swank Jr. for the MichNews (Most In-depth Conservative Honest News and Commentary [Should be MICHNC if ya ask me but I guess it doesnt sound as good]). This man, a complete douche as you will see, wrote a piece called "New Orleans' Sin Brought Devastation: Repent America" In it he says "Now New Orleans is under water, bathing in sewage and devastation rather than providing downtown fountains for homosexual capers aplenty." Mmmmmmmmm homosexual capers. I have half a jar of capers in my fridge but it doesnt say if they are homosexual or not? You think my lemon chicken would have been better with the homosexual kind...i would think so. What really gets me about people who think like this is...explain Biloxi. I dont know much about Mississippi and even less about Biloxi but i dont really recall it being a haven for sex and drugs. If god destroyed new orleans for the decadence then why did he take all the poor god-fearing christians in Mississippi as well? Why didnt he hit Las Vegas with some kind of thunderbolt because really, Las Vegas is pretty nasty sometimes right? Oh, wait...i know why...because J. Grant Swank is a worthless bag of skin.

The third is a moving piece written by John Scalzi. I would imagine that most of us can relate to it on some kind of level. If you cant, if it all seems foregin, it will help you begin to understand the 37 million people who were living in poverty in 2004 (of those 37 million, 27% were African-American and 24% were Hispanics. Like Colin Powell said, what happened in the new orleans isnt about race--its about economics but "poverty disproportionately affects African-Americans in this country. And it happened because they were poor."). Crazy dick-hole U.N. speech aside, I like that Powell.


Now I must watch some MNF...cheer on Alge Crumpler will ya? I need 40+ to win this week.

The Bird

07 September 2005

Things That Make Me Happy

I am in the middle of a week that is hectic and could become kind of yucky. Instead of talking about hurricane destruction, life choices, politics, my shitty fantasy football team and the possibility of missing the Burgundy and White Game I thought I would make myself a nice little list of things that make me happy. Then, I decided I would force it on you! Feel the Cheese everyone!!

*******
The Onion- It is never too early for jokes....good jokes that is.

The Uni Watch- Get your fix of minutia you didnt even realize you cared about.

The iPod- Portable music, 2785 songs at my fingertips. Any mood, anytime...amazing.

Queen of the Surface Streets by DeVotchKa- Honest, stiring, epic. This song makes me shine; right now especially with everything going on.

Websites- Sparky The Dog a place to buy great music, art, zines. Smart, funny, entertaining, kooky people doing wonderfulthings. Post Secret a collection of secrets sent in on handmade postcards. They are at once haunting, touching, silly, scary, and shocking. Glossary of Geologic Terms I never said I wasnt an uber-geek did I? The Handbook of Texas Online If you must learn about Texas, this is the place to do it. Sports Forums like Avalanchetalk.com and Nuggetstalk.com. Great places where you can talk about shit you are really interested in with people you like...and sometimes hate. My Traffic News If you dont live in the metro area you are missing out on this great resource. The traffic guys are funny, light and get you home as soon as possible. All Music They arent even joking when they say all music, even local bands! Search for bands by mood, feeling Hedonistic?

PBS- Yes, I know. How cheesy while at the same time trying to be so hip. Really though...PBS programing hits the spot sometimes. That feeling of an amateur production is perfect after the canned laughs and forced drama of regular programming. PBS is my childhood. Shows like Reading Rainbow, Sesame Street, Nova, The Joy of Painting, and Jack Horkimer.

Discovering "New" Old Books- Fahrenheit 451, I know...how did i not read this book sooner? That is the best thing about new old books. Count of Monte Cristo is another. I didnt read that til college. It should be read to children still in the womb.

Fed up journalists- Guys like Anderson Cooper and Tim Russert. Also, the Mayor of New Orleans for his candor. And these blogs, Wordicus, The Reasonable Rant, Dr. Suspicio, and The Uncensored Rant Zone.

As an aside I just want to mention that everyone keeps talking
about the "American Spirit" because of the outpouring of money
and donations and help after the devastation in the south.
It isnt American Spirit...it is Human Spirit. Everyone from
around the world is giving money, even Castro who has no love of
the US but does understand tragedy. Stop patting ourselves on the
back and acknowledge that as humans, we arent always so nasty.

My NRAO coffee mug



The Nalgene bottle with Sucka on the bottom (thanks again boston). My Big Blue Bookshelves. The "I Love You" Turtle Pillow my mom made me as a kid. My Hockey Stick My Rocket Lamp (thanks bone).

When I make someone laugh

My Mathias Shirt- Still ratty and old and filled with holes but I love it.

The Balloon Fiesta in Albuquerque- I lived in Albuquerque for a year. There were always hotair balloons in the sky. I loved it. Once a year there are hundreds upon hundreds. The Balloon Fiesta is great if only for this photo taken last year...


********
Hope you all are having a happy day!
Peace~
The Bird

06 September 2005

CD Baby

CD Baby is the place for independent music. Tons of local bands, small groups and neato shit. Not only that, buying a CD from them is the best comsumer experience you will ever have. Think I am lying? Try it for yourself...


My friend got this email from them (thanks Stretch) and i later got the same from the founder of CD Baby.

"Over 5000 amazing musicians have chosen to donate ALL money from the sale of their CD *directly* to the Red Cross disaster relief fund. You can hear and buy their CDs, here: http://cdbaby.com/group/redcross

>If you've been seeing the images of New Orleans after Hurricane
Katrina and have thought about donating to help those in need, please consider buying some albums from that page. You're free to listen to up to half of every album in instant-streaming MP3, so I hope you use this as an excuse to discover some great new music while knowing your money is going to a good cause.
>http://cdbaby.com/group/redcross

>Thank you.

>--Derek Sivers, CD Baby
http://cdbaby.com"



Wow...a wonderful reason to buy new music...

enjoy
B

Rocky Mountain Relief

Another great site that is just starting...

http://rockymountainrelief.org/

Volunteer

Approx. 1000 refrugees from New Orleans are in Colorado today. 1000 people with no homes, no jobs...

I gave money but thought that I could do more. Volunteers are needed like crazy to help serve food, organize donations, answer phones etc. etc.

This weekend I am working a couple 4 hour shifts serving food for the salvation army. I called the Salvation Army at 303-866-9280 and also the Metro Volunteers at 303-282-1234. You have to attend an orientation meeting before you can volunteer with the Salvation Army. I am going this Friday, September 9th. There are multiple classes between 4-6pm that day.

Call if you are interested and living in Colorado. Invite your friends and family and make a little event of it.

If you are somewhere else, call your local red cross/charity of your choice and see what you can do to help out. Not everyone can afford to give money, so do what you can...but do something


~Bird

04 September 2005

Honestly...

Does the government think we are that stupid?

Story

02 September 2005

Single Rage

Just like after 9-11, i am at a loss as to what is the appropriate ammount of anger, sadness, fear. Should I talk about it more or less? Should I read about it more or less? More CNN coverage? Less article reading? Can i afford to give more money to the red cross? Is my money even getting there? Would I be better off giving blood, food, clothes, diapers? Where is Andy?

I have decided that I can do whatever works for me and trust that people will understand that. Understand that even though I rage about small things, that I havent given up on the BIG ones.

One thing I think is very important...keep your government honest. Sure this is a tragedy but I dont think it means you cant talk about what was/wasnt done to help/prevent this. I know, natural disaster and all but really, New Orleans has a drink called the hurricane...this wasnt a surprise. NO is a poor city, mandatory evacuations, obviously, didnt help the people who couldnt afford to travel. Who had no car, no money for gas, no place to go. These are the people suffering now and these are the people that someone let down. Keep your govenment honest, whether they are democrats, republicans, reform...whatever. You pay their salary. Dont feel bad about asking for answers. We deserve them.


Two Minutes Hate
Anyone who has worked in an office setting, tell me; how many wedding showers, baby showers have you been to? How much money have you forked over for girlscout cookies and book drives? Have you ever had to work late or on a weekend because one of your co-workers had family commitments? Sometimes it seems like we single, childless people get the shit end of the stick (my least favorite).

Now please, dont get me wrong. I am not anti-family. I like families. I came from one! I have many friends with children and I love them and their little rugrats! I like and support the laws that allow for a man to take time off of work so that he can bond with his newborn child. I love that more companies are supplying childcare centers so that working mothers (a name i dont like...show me a mother that isnt already working even before she leaves the house!) can get back to their 8-5 jobs.

However, it cant be denied that single people are often discriminated against. I saw an episode of sex and the city about it once so it must be true!!

A perfect example of this discrimination just happend to a friend of mine. The Australian works with computers and every five weeks he has to spend one week on call. All night, waiting for pages from the computer.."I broke myself" and he must fix it. Stupid computers. There are 5 people on his "team." Recently, the powers that be decided that they needed to impliment night shifts. One person said they wanted to work the night shift. The other two pulled out the....well, I have kids so. Take a guess as to who has to work the dreaded 4pm-1am shift? Of course...the Australian...the single guy with no family.

I think decisions like this need to be based on a thousand other issues and none of them are whether or not the workers have children. Maybe the Australian has a sick mother to take care of...maybe he has a little brother he watches. Maybe he just doesnt want to give up his life. It isnt fair to punish people because they havent yet, or have chosen not to procreate.

Raises and promotions based on how big your family is. Someone has to work on Christmas day, make the single person do it. My kids soccer game is this weekend, I suppose the single person can come in then. God knows that without a husband/wife and a gaggle of kids they have nothing better to do!

So, good luck to you Aussie. You are much less angry about it then I would be...although, i suppose they could have you deported if you put up too much of a fight (wink wink).

The Bird

I Love This Man

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin's radio interview:

The only guy who seems to understand the situation.

01 September 2005

What the F*#%

Someone explain this...

Children's Hospital under siege

Can I Take Back What I Said?

I know i can be heartless but still, even i am astounded by the destruction of hurricane katrina. I am also a little disappointed in us as people. I cant even imagine what it is like in Louisiana...but what is the deal with people tipping over ambulances? Who are the people looting electronics during a situation like this? There is no power, no gas, no water, no toilets, no pick up of dead bodies and you are picking out your next television set? People are setting fires and roaming the streets with guns...honestly, arent we all supposed to be better then this? Isnt this when we are all supposed to come together and work hard and rah rah rah? When the police have to stop search and rescue operations to make sure that violent looters dont take over the town, isnt that a sign that something is wrong?

Would this happen everywhere? Is it human nature? Is it just American? What would the canadians do (as an aside, i am going to make myself a WWCD t-shirt...)?

What would you do if the government, local or otherwise, told you to leave your house. Go to Invesco Field, the Pepsi Center. Wait there until the storm is over. Would you go? Would you try to wait it out at home? What if there was no electricity....dead bodies floating in the water. Your food is gone. Your water is gone. You have no way to get in touch with your family or friends. You're sick, you need oxygen. You're hurt. You saw a friend/neighbor/stranger die. Would you push someone out of your way to get the last bottled water? Would you steal food from a store so your family could eat. At what point do you make the jump to taking a gun, for protection. Taking a generator, taking a life.

For donations:
American Red Cross

Looking for family or friends:
The Next of Kin Registry


I am hoping to hear from a highschool friend who, last time I spoke with him, was attending Tulane. I have a picture of us by Lake Pontchartrain..he once said to me, "If New Orleans ever gets hit by a big hurricane or the Mississippi really floods we are totally screwed. Surrounded on three sides by water. We sit below sea level. And there is only one little bridge to get us all out."
Good thoughts to you Andy...

Bird

29 August 2005

The Stock Raising Homestead Act of December 1916 Rage

You know what's great? Getting drunk and saying stupid things.

You know what's even better? Apologizing on a blog.


Two Minutes Hate
I think it was Margaret Mitchell who once wrote, "Hell hath no fury like a woman forced to spend hours pouring over Land Entry files from the National Archives."

Honestly, if I have to read "Chief of Field Division-Department of Interior" or "Special Agent in Charge" again I will gouge out my eyes. I could honestly not care less about the "bona fides of the entry." Is that proper english, even for 1933? Bona fides?

My eyes hurt from staring at the screen and my head hurts from the smell of toner. Do you guys smell toner and does it make your teeth itch and your eyes tighten and squeeze? My brain hurts from trying to understand the legal mumbo jumbo not only of mind-numbing land entries but the specific mind numbing mumbo jumbo that is particular to the 1930's. My wrists hurt from non-stop typing. My soul hurts because it is a beautiful day just outside the windows. No clouds over the mountains, which likely means no showers this afternoon, which definitely means I could be hiking.

I hate you Thomas C. Vint, Chief Landscape Architect NPS.
I hate you Special Agent in Charge W.G. Brown.
I hate you J.M. Dillard, United State Commissioner.
But most of all I hate you Charlie Lee White. You sound like a serial rapist.


~B

26 August 2005

'Cane Rage

One thing that I love about sports are fantasy leagues. Putting together your team, crying because that one guy seems to draft first every year, complaining about Fred Taylor's groin...again.

Every year I am in a Football League, Sunday Bloody Sunday, with my brothers and friends. Every year i do a bit better and then get toasted in the playoffs. I feel like I am going to make a run for it this season.

I also decided to join a Hockey League. I was weary but the commish set it up so that there is one sub day a week rather then trying to check stats on every game each night. I am looking forward to it since I have always felt more comfortable with hockey then football. We are still adding teams and if you want to go head-to-head with the Bird and get your ass handed to you, please sign up and join us.

It is free so visit:
http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey
The ID is: 18702
The Password is: fantasy


Two Minutes Hate
I love that hurricanes are given names. I wish all natural disasters lended themselves to this. There is nothing quite so dramatic and cheesy and wonderful as being outside your demolished house and raising your fist to the sky, "Damn you Hugo!!!"

So, I harbor a not so secret desire to have a hurricane named after me. That, in itself, isnt strange. However, I want my hurricane to leave a path of destruction never before seen in this country. I want to not only kill hundreds but ravage the land--wipe it clean and raw. I want a helpless orange farmer to look upon his orchard-upturned trees-the sickly sweet smell of crushed citrus in the air and scream, "Damn you Bird!"

I was talking about this over drinks with my friends Augustine of Hippo and peeps. We decided that Bird wont be used anytime soon, But there was still a chance for my given name to be slapped on a class 5 hurricane. Peeps sent over a link this morning that gave me a chill.

2009....oh yes, my very own hurricane! If you live on the east coast, consider yourself warned.

Peeps also sent over a link to retired hurricane names. According to the National Hurricane Center a name is retired "if a storm is so deadly or costly that the future use of its name on a different storm would be inappropriate for obvious reasons of sensitivity. If that occurs, then at an annual meeting by the committee (called primarily to discuss many other issues) the offending name is stricken from the list and another name is selected to replace it." I think what i like best is that they wanted you to know that the committee doesnt just meet to select names...they do other scientific stuff as well. Sound a bit touchy to me.

Perusing the list we see Hurricane Bob, retired in 1991. Bob seems like the kind of storm that would lumber in, sleep on the couch and get potato chips in his fat rolls. Just an annoying hurricane that wouldnt leave...and before he did go he would hit on your wife.

I hope you all find your name on the list of upcoming hurricanes. If not, pick your favorite and root it on when the time rolls around!

tweet~
B

23 August 2005

Double Standard Rage

I am going to the Flock of Seagulls, English Beat, Devo concert tonight because i have a free ticket and a good friend of mine is still in love with English Beat. I was up late making my devo hat out of red tupperware. I am sure I will have lots and lots to share with you all...

Two Minutes Hate
Every good blogger is talking about Pat Robertson's boneheaded call for the U.S. to assassinate Hugo Chavez, Venezuelan President and critic of prez bush. Yes, Robertson...the Christian thinks it would be best just to off him. This is upseting in itself. However, i expect this kind of crap from Robertson. He has been going off the deep end for several years. Dont forget that he agreed with what Falwell said on the 700 Club after September 11th; that "pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'" Dont forget that he called feminism a "socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." Look, I am not a bra burning feminist, often i think feminists ask for special not equal treatment, but really---witchcraft, killing of husbands and children? Honestly, while Pat Robertson pisses me off to no end, he helps the progressive agenda by being a complete whack-job. He is so off the charts that he makes christians say, 'no--look, we dont agree with him!'

What is more upsetting to me in general is the Robertson story in conjunction with a story out of Washington D.C. Michael Graham, an am talk show host on WMAL was fired for saying, 23 times, that "Islam is a terrorist organization." After, obviously justified, complaints Graham refused to withdraw his remarks saying, "I will not apologize for something that is true" and the station let him go.

I know that this Graham thing happened before Robertson opened his mouth and suggested that we kill the president of another country but things like this have been going on since 2001 and I think it has to stop. At what point are you self righteous right-wing ass-fucks (Lakoff would be so disappointed) going to understand that you cant call a religion a terrorist organization when "christians" in this country are blowing up abortion clinics and gay nightclubs in the name of god. Sure christian organizations are telling us that these men arent real christians. Not really. They are going against the bible and they are not representative of what most/all good christians believe.

And yet...Michael Graham can sit in judgement on Islam. He can say that "moderate Muslims are those who only want to kill Jews." He can say that and feel proud that his religion is nothing like that.

How can he not see the double standard? HOW?! When are we going to stop punishing all muslims for the few crazies that see violence as the only answer? When are we going to stop punishing all mormons for the few crazies that see polygamy as a right? When are we going to stop punishing the jews for the whole Jesus-killing thing? When are women going to stop punishing men for the one guy that cheated on them? When are men going to stop punishing women for all the things their mothers did to them?

Christ! Cant we all just get along? And if not, then can we all just shut the fuck up, Please?

starting with me...
B

22 August 2005

West Memphis Three Rage

Had a nice weekend. Worked a show I enjoyed for once; The Blind Boys of Alabama. Even still I had to deal with all sorts of Dill Weeds. I was excited at first because I thought it was my last show out at the tent. Turns out I have one more..Damn you Tent Gods!! Got up at the crack of Bird's dawn (which is about 6am) to volunteer at the Aids Walk. Seemed like a great turnout (this was my first) and I had a nice time. For information on great HIV/Aids related charities check out Colorado Aids Project.

Two Minutes Hate
I am sure that many of you who attend live shows have seen the "Free the West Memphis Three" t-shirts. I had...i saw them everywhere but you know how these things are, you just kind of notice and then it slips from your memory. I didnt really think about it again until I noticed a co-worker wearing the WM3 black bracelet. Finally i dragged my ass over to the computer to investigate this whole thing. Holy shit, was I blown away.

All of the quotes I am using in the post are from the WM3 webpage.

"Shortly after three eight-year-old boys were found mutilated and murdered in West Memphis, Arkansas, local newspapers stated the killers had been caught. The police assured the public that the three teenagers in custody were definitely responsible for these horrible crimes. Evidence?

The same police officers coerced an error-filled “confession” from Jessie Misskelley Jr., who is mentally handicapped. They subjected him to 12 hours of questioning without counsel or parental consent, audio-taping only two fragments totaling 46 minutes. Jessie recanted it that evening, but it was too late— Misskelley, Jason Baldwin and Damien Echols were all arrested on June 3, 1993, and convicted of murder in early 1994.

Although there was no physical evidence, murder weapon, motive, or connection to the victims, the prosecution pathetically resorted to presenting black hair and clothing, heavy metal t-shirts, and Stephen King novels as proof that the boys were sacrificed in a satanic cult ritual. Unfathomably, Echols was sentenced to death, Baldwin received life without parole, and Misskelley got life plus 40.

For over 12 years, The West Memphis Three have been imprisoned for crimes they didn’t commit. Echols waits in solitary confinement for the lethal injection our tax dollars will pay for. They were all condemned by their poverty, incompetent defense, satanic panic and a rush to judgment."

This was the most jaw dropping story i have read in a long time. Check out the site and read the case information. I could try and tell you all the ways this is fucked up but honestly, there is too much to tell. This story will scare the bejeezus out of you. It scared me. As americans we are brought up to believe in a fair trial. A jury of our peers who will make a decision based on evidence presented before them. Now, I am not so naive. I know that often times the innocent person is arrested, imprisioned, put to death. I know that jurys often make decisions based not on the evidence but rather fame, race, fear, etc. However, reading the story of these boys scared me.

It scared me because I am often called strange. I am often called weird. I am often called a freak. I am different. I like these things about me. I think most people do as well. These boys were targeted because they are just like me. They were a little different. Just a little weird, just a little strange. I think some people dont understand how small towns work. In a small town, you have a label. That label sticks with you for the rest of your life. If you cried during class you will forever be the guy who cried during class even if you are all-state quarterback. If you slept with your boyfriend and he told his pals, you were forever the whore. If you read stephen king and had dyed hair, you were capable of killing.

The story of the WM3 should scare anyone who considers themselves educated, independent, strange, unique, goofy, EMO, goth, and on and on. It should scare you enough to get involved. Do something, even if it is as simple as buying the ultra-hip tshirts and wearing it to the next show you go to. Also, spread the word.

Big thanks to K for educatin' me.

peace~
the bird

18 August 2005

Random Rage

I have the blogging bug. I want to vomit all over the page but, surprisingly, nothing is really causing rage. Several things over the past couple of days have made me scratch my head though so I thought I would share.

Two Minutes Random Blabber
So just today at dinner with my brother sklimps the waiter comes over and asks if I would like ketchup. Oh god no! Just mustard. He nicely brings the mustard over and I notice that it is French's Pourable Mustard. I tell my brother, "oh no, i wanted the non-pourable mustard!" Honestly, isnt this a stupid name for the condiment? I mean, would oscar meyer (i had to sing the song to spell it right) label their bologna(that one too) "edible." Sure it is hard to eat, just like the mustard is hard to pour, but isnt it implied? Am i thinking about this too much.

My neighbor is moving. Actually, being evicted. She told me just the other day. I am going to stay here until they take me to court. There ya go...that'll teach 'em! Every time she returns from god only knows where, she has armloads of bags. She runs her airconditioner every night even though it is a cool 60 something degrees out. Her one-armed son has a warrent out for beating her up and threatening the neighbors. If anyone needs a nice small place to live let me know! No loudass mother fuckers please.

I had to put in earplugs for the first time at my second job tuesday. Jesse McCartney, who somehow is compared to The Beatles, Hall and Oats, and Michael Jackson. (thanks for the profile tip K). The music was kind of loud but what made it unbearable was the screaming 13 year olds. Good lord those kids have some lungs! It was beyond funny watching these girls get so excited. He asked for a girl to come up on stage so he could sing to her (her name was britany....what are the fucking chances right?). All the little girls near me were breathless..."oh she's so lucky!" As K pointed out at the end of the night, in a couple of years they wont be envying the girl but instead calling her a bitch and making fun of her hair. All in all...better then RBF.

sleepy time for Bird...