29 August 2005

The Stock Raising Homestead Act of December 1916 Rage

You know what's great? Getting drunk and saying stupid things.

You know what's even better? Apologizing on a blog.

Two Minutes Hate
I think it was Margaret Mitchell who once wrote, "Hell hath no fury like a woman forced to spend hours pouring over Land Entry files from the National Archives."

Honestly, if I have to read "Chief of Field Division-Department of Interior" or "Special Agent in Charge" again I will gouge out my eyes. I could honestly not care less about the "bona fides of the entry." Is that proper english, even for 1933? Bona fides?

My eyes hurt from staring at the screen and my head hurts from the smell of toner. Do you guys smell toner and does it make your teeth itch and your eyes tighten and squeeze? My brain hurts from trying to understand the legal mumbo jumbo not only of mind-numbing land entries but the specific mind numbing mumbo jumbo that is particular to the 1930's. My wrists hurt from non-stop typing. My soul hurts because it is a beautiful day just outside the windows. No clouds over the mountains, which likely means no showers this afternoon, which definitely means I could be hiking.

I hate you Thomas C. Vint, Chief Landscape Architect NPS.
I hate you Special Agent in Charge W.G. Brown.
I hate you J.M. Dillard, United State Commissioner.
But most of all I hate you Charlie Lee White. You sound like a serial rapist.


26 August 2005

'Cane Rage

One thing that I love about sports are fantasy leagues. Putting together your team, crying because that one guy seems to draft first every year, complaining about Fred Taylor's groin...again.

Every year I am in a Football League, Sunday Bloody Sunday, with my brothers and friends. Every year i do a bit better and then get toasted in the playoffs. I feel like I am going to make a run for it this season.

I also decided to join a Hockey League. I was weary but the commish set it up so that there is one sub day a week rather then trying to check stats on every game each night. I am looking forward to it since I have always felt more comfortable with hockey then football. We are still adding teams and if you want to go head-to-head with the Bird and get your ass handed to you, please sign up and join us.

It is free so visit:
The ID is: 18702
The Password is: fantasy

Two Minutes Hate
I love that hurricanes are given names. I wish all natural disasters lended themselves to this. There is nothing quite so dramatic and cheesy and wonderful as being outside your demolished house and raising your fist to the sky, "Damn you Hugo!!!"

So, I harbor a not so secret desire to have a hurricane named after me. That, in itself, isnt strange. However, I want my hurricane to leave a path of destruction never before seen in this country. I want to not only kill hundreds but ravage the land--wipe it clean and raw. I want a helpless orange farmer to look upon his orchard-upturned trees-the sickly sweet smell of crushed citrus in the air and scream, "Damn you Bird!"

I was talking about this over drinks with my friends Augustine of Hippo and peeps. We decided that Bird wont be used anytime soon, But there was still a chance for my given name to be slapped on a class 5 hurricane. Peeps sent over a link this morning that gave me a chill.

2009....oh yes, my very own hurricane! If you live on the east coast, consider yourself warned.

Peeps also sent over a link to retired hurricane names. According to the National Hurricane Center a name is retired "if a storm is so deadly or costly that the future use of its name on a different storm would be inappropriate for obvious reasons of sensitivity. If that occurs, then at an annual meeting by the committee (called primarily to discuss many other issues) the offending name is stricken from the list and another name is selected to replace it." I think what i like best is that they wanted you to know that the committee doesnt just meet to select names...they do other scientific stuff as well. Sound a bit touchy to me.

Perusing the list we see Hurricane Bob, retired in 1991. Bob seems like the kind of storm that would lumber in, sleep on the couch and get potato chips in his fat rolls. Just an annoying hurricane that wouldnt leave...and before he did go he would hit on your wife.

I hope you all find your name on the list of upcoming hurricanes. If not, pick your favorite and root it on when the time rolls around!


23 August 2005

Double Standard Rage

I am going to the Flock of Seagulls, English Beat, Devo concert tonight because i have a free ticket and a good friend of mine is still in love with English Beat. I was up late making my devo hat out of red tupperware. I am sure I will have lots and lots to share with you all...

Two Minutes Hate
Every good blogger is talking about Pat Robertson's boneheaded call for the U.S. to assassinate Hugo Chavez, Venezuelan President and critic of prez bush. Yes, Robertson...the Christian thinks it would be best just to off him. This is upseting in itself. However, i expect this kind of crap from Robertson. He has been going off the deep end for several years. Dont forget that he agreed with what Falwell said on the 700 Club after September 11th; that "pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'" Dont forget that he called feminism a "socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." Look, I am not a bra burning feminist, often i think feminists ask for special not equal treatment, but really---witchcraft, killing of husbands and children? Honestly, while Pat Robertson pisses me off to no end, he helps the progressive agenda by being a complete whack-job. He is so off the charts that he makes christians say, 'no--look, we dont agree with him!'

What is more upsetting to me in general is the Robertson story in conjunction with a story out of Washington D.C. Michael Graham, an am talk show host on WMAL was fired for saying, 23 times, that "Islam is a terrorist organization." After, obviously justified, complaints Graham refused to withdraw his remarks saying, "I will not apologize for something that is true" and the station let him go.

I know that this Graham thing happened before Robertson opened his mouth and suggested that we kill the president of another country but things like this have been going on since 2001 and I think it has to stop. At what point are you self righteous right-wing ass-fucks (Lakoff would be so disappointed) going to understand that you cant call a religion a terrorist organization when "christians" in this country are blowing up abortion clinics and gay nightclubs in the name of god. Sure christian organizations are telling us that these men arent real christians. Not really. They are going against the bible and they are not representative of what most/all good christians believe.

And yet...Michael Graham can sit in judgement on Islam. He can say that "moderate Muslims are those who only want to kill Jews." He can say that and feel proud that his religion is nothing like that.

How can he not see the double standard? HOW?! When are we going to stop punishing all muslims for the few crazies that see violence as the only answer? When are we going to stop punishing all mormons for the few crazies that see polygamy as a right? When are we going to stop punishing the jews for the whole Jesus-killing thing? When are women going to stop punishing men for the one guy that cheated on them? When are men going to stop punishing women for all the things their mothers did to them?

Christ! Cant we all just get along? And if not, then can we all just shut the fuck up, Please?

starting with me...

22 August 2005

West Memphis Three Rage

Had a nice weekend. Worked a show I enjoyed for once; The Blind Boys of Alabama. Even still I had to deal with all sorts of Dill Weeds. I was excited at first because I thought it was my last show out at the tent. Turns out I have one more..Damn you Tent Gods!! Got up at the crack of Bird's dawn (which is about 6am) to volunteer at the Aids Walk. Seemed like a great turnout (this was my first) and I had a nice time. For information on great HIV/Aids related charities check out Colorado Aids Project.

Two Minutes Hate
I am sure that many of you who attend live shows have seen the "Free the West Memphis Three" t-shirts. I had...i saw them everywhere but you know how these things are, you just kind of notice and then it slips from your memory. I didnt really think about it again until I noticed a co-worker wearing the WM3 black bracelet. Finally i dragged my ass over to the computer to investigate this whole thing. Holy shit, was I blown away.

All of the quotes I am using in the post are from the WM3 webpage.

"Shortly after three eight-year-old boys were found mutilated and murdered in West Memphis, Arkansas, local newspapers stated the killers had been caught. The police assured the public that the three teenagers in custody were definitely responsible for these horrible crimes. Evidence?

The same police officers coerced an error-filled “confession” from Jessie Misskelley Jr., who is mentally handicapped. They subjected him to 12 hours of questioning without counsel or parental consent, audio-taping only two fragments totaling 46 minutes. Jessie recanted it that evening, but it was too late— Misskelley, Jason Baldwin and Damien Echols were all arrested on June 3, 1993, and convicted of murder in early 1994.

Although there was no physical evidence, murder weapon, motive, or connection to the victims, the prosecution pathetically resorted to presenting black hair and clothing, heavy metal t-shirts, and Stephen King novels as proof that the boys were sacrificed in a satanic cult ritual. Unfathomably, Echols was sentenced to death, Baldwin received life without parole, and Misskelley got life plus 40.

For over 12 years, The West Memphis Three have been imprisoned for crimes they didn’t commit. Echols waits in solitary confinement for the lethal injection our tax dollars will pay for. They were all condemned by their poverty, incompetent defense, satanic panic and a rush to judgment."

This was the most jaw dropping story i have read in a long time. Check out the site and read the case information. I could try and tell you all the ways this is fucked up but honestly, there is too much to tell. This story will scare the bejeezus out of you. It scared me. As americans we are brought up to believe in a fair trial. A jury of our peers who will make a decision based on evidence presented before them. Now, I am not so naive. I know that often times the innocent person is arrested, imprisioned, put to death. I know that jurys often make decisions based not on the evidence but rather fame, race, fear, etc. However, reading the story of these boys scared me.

It scared me because I am often called strange. I am often called weird. I am often called a freak. I am different. I like these things about me. I think most people do as well. These boys were targeted because they are just like me. They were a little different. Just a little weird, just a little strange. I think some people dont understand how small towns work. In a small town, you have a label. That label sticks with you for the rest of your life. If you cried during class you will forever be the guy who cried during class even if you are all-state quarterback. If you slept with your boyfriend and he told his pals, you were forever the whore. If you read stephen king and had dyed hair, you were capable of killing.

The story of the WM3 should scare anyone who considers themselves educated, independent, strange, unique, goofy, EMO, goth, and on and on. It should scare you enough to get involved. Do something, even if it is as simple as buying the ultra-hip tshirts and wearing it to the next show you go to. Also, spread the word.

Big thanks to K for educatin' me.

the bird

18 August 2005

Random Rage

I have the blogging bug. I want to vomit all over the page but, surprisingly, nothing is really causing rage. Several things over the past couple of days have made me scratch my head though so I thought I would share.

Two Minutes Random Blabber
So just today at dinner with my brother sklimps the waiter comes over and asks if I would like ketchup. Oh god no! Just mustard. He nicely brings the mustard over and I notice that it is French's Pourable Mustard. I tell my brother, "oh no, i wanted the non-pourable mustard!" Honestly, isnt this a stupid name for the condiment? I mean, would oscar meyer (i had to sing the song to spell it right) label their bologna(that one too) "edible." Sure it is hard to eat, just like the mustard is hard to pour, but isnt it implied? Am i thinking about this too much.

My neighbor is moving. Actually, being evicted. She told me just the other day. I am going to stay here until they take me to court. There ya go...that'll teach 'em! Every time she returns from god only knows where, she has armloads of bags. She runs her airconditioner every night even though it is a cool 60 something degrees out. Her one-armed son has a warrent out for beating her up and threatening the neighbors. If anyone needs a nice small place to live let me know! No loudass mother fuckers please.

I had to put in earplugs for the first time at my second job tuesday. Jesse McCartney, who somehow is compared to The Beatles, Hall and Oats, and Michael Jackson. (thanks for the profile tip K). The music was kind of loud but what made it unbearable was the screaming 13 year olds. Good lord those kids have some lungs! It was beyond funny watching these girls get so excited. He asked for a girl to come up on stage so he could sing to her (her name was britany....what are the fucking chances right?). All the little girls near me were breathless..."oh she's so lucky!" As K pointed out at the end of the night, in a couple of years they wont be envying the girl but instead calling her a bitch and making fun of her hair. All in all...better then RBF.

sleepy time for Bird...

15 August 2005

Design Rage

Just got back from the wedding of a good pal...Lammy-cakes and Ham. Honestly, it was one of the most amazing things I have seen in a long time. Oh yes, the flowers and the beer and the pies were all great but the actual ceremony was just so unique and really very touching. Anyone who knows me should be really impressed because they know I am dead inside...and if this touched me then regular folks would have died! Lammy-cakes and Ham, you two are very special people (not just in the short bus way either) and I love you both. Please...let me know what you want me to call you...I can see Lammy-cakes turning red every time I type her name!

Two Minutes Hate

So, just when I thought Denver maybe wasnt the complete middle of red-state/redneck Colorado (our mayor is very progressive...and there are so many nice smart people who live here) I see this article on the local news station webpage. Yes, horse meat. Really, is this something we need to be discussing? Most importantly, have I been eating horse meat and not knowing it? Should we discuss why we dont eat baby meat too or is that just being ridiculous?

I was sitting here...freshly washed and no longer smelling like sheep shit (it was a crazy wedding!)...laughing at the insanity that is modern politics when my stomach leapt into my throat. There, just below the horse meat story was Bird's worst nightmare. No silly, not pumpkin head's wedding anouncement...even worse!

"Colorado evolution curriculum could be evolving."
Yes, Intelligent Design in Colorado Schools. I forgot all about horse meat and weddings and a lingering hangover and angry bosses and the 90 Shilling I just opened.

Rep. Debbie Stafford of Aurora, an ordained minister says that "there is nothing 'about God,' nothing 'about religion' described in the theory of intelligent design." Oh yes well, you are right there Deb. There is nothing specifically mentioned about god. However, i think that when you say "Intelligent Design is simply the science of design detection -- how to recognize patterns arranged by an intelligent cause for a purpose" even dunderheaded high school students are going to ask two questions. One-who designed it? Two- for what purpose? If you ID folks can answer those questions without mentioning religion or god...be my guest.

This whole thing scares the bejesus out of me. At what point is this religion shit going to end? When are we going to stop with the "this country was built on on christianity" and remember that we left England so that we could have freedom of religion. That the founding fathers set up the separation of church and state to prevent these kinds of things. To prevent prayer in schools. To prevent the teaching of genesis in the classroom. If you feel strongly about evolution, be a parent and talk to your kids at home about what you believe in. No one, not even me, is trying to prevent you from believing in your god, whomever that may be.

I am at a loss now as to what to do. Obviously I need to get involved...how is something I havent figured out yet...it is coming though...


07 August 2005

Reel Rage

I have decided, and K has agreed, that there will be no more ULP for me! First, a punch to the head, then an all day metal music fest and finally...Reel Big Fish. (If you like RBF I apologize for what I am about to say. Well, i guess I am not sorry for saying it but sorry that you have such bad taste in music.)

What follows is a list of:
15 Things I Hate About Reel Big Fish,
1 Thing K Hates About RBF and
3 Things That I Like About RBF

in that order.

--Radio Disney-esque Lyrics: could they possibly come up with something more vapid?
--"Snoop Doggie Dog": Has anyone heard this song? Could it possibly be the worst song that has ever been written? I think it could be...
--Pun signs: puns are never cool
--"Throw your hands in the A-er and wave em like you just dont K-er": It should be illegal to say this
--"Right now we are gonna play a reggae song": No, no you arent
--It made Buddy dance
--The guy breaks a guitar string and doesnt have back up just in case: Are you serious? And you call yourself a professional musician you fucking hack
--2nd Trumpet/Backup Vocals Guy: You are the most annoying person I have ever been forced to listen to..and remember that I just worked a super-Jesus event
--I could be drinking but no...
--Every song they sing sounds the same, even though they have a song where they say they are trying something new
--Stop saying "Awesome" and "Cool": The more you say it, the less it is
--Stop singing songs about how no one "gets" you: They get you just fine, they just dont fucking care
--Stop saying words like "lesbians" and "balls" for the supposed shock value
--Cottonball band: It sounds like middle school garage rock, it is empty like a bag of cotton balls, it sounds like someone trying to throw water
--Extended wait time for the encore: Who the hell do you think you are you arrogant bastards?

--K says "Every song is about a song": excellent point K.

Now for the three things i really really like about Reel Big Fish

--They are easy to make fun of: see above
--They allow for hundreds of skank jokes: Excuse me, your skank is out of control, That's a nice skank you have there, I need you to keep your skank in the GA area, Hey, dont skank yourself out...
--Crazy leggs: Man, this guy was great. He had the fanciest skank I have ever seen. Not only that, he was rolling his hat up his back onto his head and then from his head down to his arm. It was beyond funny.

I dont consider myself a music snob. What do i care if you like shitty music?

But...what really bothers me is that these guys put on this whole image of "we are alternative, we are rebels (thanks newbie), we are different, we are punk." To not be honest with yourselves about who you are...to lie to the people (usually people too young to know any better) about what you represent is worse then making shitty music. Everyone lies about how much they weigh or how old they are...but to lie about who you are inside makes me sick to my stomach...

Tweet tweet went the Bird

05 August 2005

October Waiting

After a couple of days letting things sink in I am feeling better about all things hockey. As a fan, your initial reaction is to say "No, not Peter! We love Peter!! Foote? Hey, he is great--come on...there has to be someone else you can loose right?!"

However, like any good fan who hasnt beaten their loved one to death with a claw hammer, I have calmed down. Gotten over the initial sadness and am feeling much better, thanks for asking.

The Avalanche still have a competitive team. They still have a core of guys that play well together. Many other teams would love to have a Hejduk (sign those papers boy!), Tanguay, Sakic and Blake. With Forsberg gone, both of the wingers will get more time and that will help them develop as players. Also, perhaps Quenneville can coax something out of Pierre Turgeon. He has to pick a new jersey number so maybe that will help.

It is a new team, a new NHL, and a new season. I can hardly wait.

Oh yes, almost forgot

03 August 2005

The Pain!

For right now all I can manage is a heartfelt WHAT THE FUCK!!!?? And a whimper or two.

02 August 2005

Oh Sweet Baby Jesus

This is a good read.

Could this be why Philly was once the fattest city in America? Me thinks yes....

"Coooookiessssss", Bird said in her best Cookie Monster impression.

01 August 2005

Bolton Rage

All day metal music fests, no matter how hi-larious GWAR is, are not the way god intended us to spend a lovely sunday. But since I am not a believer...it is the way I spent my sunday. Not as a fan mind you, but as a worker. I avoided getting punched in the head and being soaked with a dyed liquid shot from a cock shaped cannon. All in all, a successful day.

Two Minutes Hate
Although the story is getting buried by Palmeiro's suspension, (honestly, is this even news? We all know they have been juiced for years) Bush appointed John Bolton as U.N. Ambassador over the weekend.

The prez says that it was too important to leave vacant any longer. Yes, so maybe instead of sidesteping almost half of the senate and waiting until they are on recess to appoint your ambassador (the political equivalent of cutting the cats hair while your mommy is out and then, when she returns saying, oh i thought it was okay!) you should have sent up a person with decent credentials.

The president acts as if the criticism against Bolton was unwarranted. Honestly, this is a guy who is supposed to represent the United States at the UN and no one understands why some senators are worried that in 1994 Bolton said "there is no such thing as the United Nations." It does bother people that our new ambassador said "If the U.N. secretary building in New York lost 10 stories, it wouldnt make a bit of difference." This is a guy who has gained a repuataion in law school and throughout his legal and political career, as being abrasive, astute, humorless, and relentless in the pursuit of his political agenda.

Here is a snippet of an article in the New Republic (via my pal newbie) that isnt just a scary "What'd Bush just do" kind of moment but a "Oh god it is a wonder all of us arent dead" kind of moment:
"Indeed, even the administration's one rogue-state proliferation success shows how its fixation on regime change impedes our foreign policy. On December 19, 2003, the Libyan government announced that it would give up its unconventional weapons programs and submit to international inspections. In return, the United States and Britain lifted sanctions that had been in place since Libyan operatives assisted in the 1988 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland.
The success was the product of years of talks, whose turning point was the German and Italian seizure of a ship, the BBC China, carrying nuclear centrifuges to Libya from the network run by Pakistani nuclear scientist A.Q. Khan. (Although Bush officials long credited PSI for the seizure, State Department and foreign officials now admit the operation had nothing to do with the initiative.)
The deal almost fell through, however, because John Bolton, then Bush's top arms control official, reportedly insisted in talks that Washington's ultimate goal was regime change in Libya. Fortunately, according to Newsweek, high-level British officials intervened, asking the State Department to pull Bolton from the U.S. delegation and reassuring Muammar Qaddafi that policy change, not regime change, was the goal. Left unchecked, the administration's ideological impulses would have scuttled the negotiations. Libya is, in other words, the exception that proves the rule: Conservatism is constitutionally incapable of effectively fighting nuclear terrorism."

So, congrats Bolton...i am sure you meant it when you said you were "profoundly honored, indeed humbled..."

At least it cant last forever right?

~tweet tweet