29 July 2005

Scout Rage

Ahh...the wonders of being able to blog from home. Now there will be non-stop blogging. Sounds kind of dirty eh? Trust me...there will be no sex.

Two Minutes Hate
Yes, I know what you are thinking. Isnt it kinda mean to rage about the boy scouts when they are going through such a hard time? Perhaps if I had a soul or cared for children it would seem inappropriate. However, the Bird is not burdened by these things and that is one reason you love me...my little ball of hate.

In case you haven't been checking out the news (Bone I am looking right at you), the scouts have been getting into some real pickles! First there was the Norovirus-like illness at Camp Yawgoog (did somebody step on a duck?). Then four scout leaders were killed when the poles to a dining tent they were seting up touched electrical lines above. Then, while waiting for President Bush to arrive to open the big Jamboree, hundreds fell ill of heat strokes. (Nevermind the fact that Bush didnt even make it...talk about a cold hearted bastard). Finally, just today in California a group of scouts were hit by lightning while taking shelter from a storm. The scout leader was killed and another child was in critical condition.

These events, which span less then two weeks, leads me to wonder. What the fuck have the boy scouts done to piss off god? And perhaps more importantly...what happened to the cardinal rule of the boy scouts...say it with me..

Be Prepared
Yes, this is the Boy Scout Fucking Motto

The ironing is delicious.

Come on kidos....buck up and screw that head on tight! There are a lot of Boy Scout Adventures coming up and we have already lost half a dozen people!


28 July 2005

Wasting Away

Here is a nice little link that sklimps sent me. A good way to waste some time.

Did I mention I want to sleep with this man?

tweet tweet~

27 July 2005

The One That Got Away Rage

Later today I will be eating cheese curds. Ahh, the wonders of squeaky cheese! If you have never had these little wonders I do suggest you find some as soon as possible. They are things of beauty.

Two Minute Hate

An open letter to the asshole I took a punch for last night...

Hey Asshole! Where the fuck did you go? One minute I saw you picking up your baseball cap and the next minute you were gone. Didnt you hear me yelling at you to stay right fucking there? I know that Nas was really loud and all so maybe you just didnt hear. Remember before that how i was holding on to you and talking about how things were cool and yes, sure that guy hit you first? I am sorry i wasnt able to hold on to you after i took that punch for you. My ears were ringing like a motherfucker and...no, sorry. I hate to complain. It is not like that guy tried to hit me right? Sure...so after you dropped him and he fell and everyone thought he was dead, I was hoping you would stick around. Just to talk. We were all so busy trying to pull the unconscious guy's sister off of him and making sure he wasnt dead so I suppose it is our own fault. Man, i guess you cant expect much from people huh? If i see you in a bar buddy, you owe me a fucking beer.


26 July 2005

Verbal(Kint) Comity

The Electric Emphysema White Bread Cheese and Keystone tour has moved up north. Look for dates in your area!

Things are moving swiftly in the NHL now that the lockout is over. So far the most interesting item is that Darren McCarty was put on waivers. McCarty is a huge fan favorite, mostly for doing things like this, this, and this. He is a real glue guy that you know Detroit will hate to loose but I expect events like this will get more and more common with the new cap structure.

Two Minutes Fancy
Any reader of this little blog can tell that the Bird likes to curse. Any of you lovely folks who know the Bird in person knows just how much! I am pretty liberal with my mouth but am trying to clean it up a bit. If only so I dont say motherfucker in front of my mom again.

Today at work while I was calling someone a douchebag I thought to myself, "Wow...that really is a nasty insult."

Then it struck me how interesting it is that douchebag is allowed on television but shit isnt? You can't even say goddamn but you can say jesus was a douchebag. Well, maybe not.

I think the Daily Show was the first to really test the douchebag waters when they called Robert Novak a "Douchebag of Liberty". Now though, everyone is getting into the act. Just last week I saw the beloved Conan O'Brien calling someone a douche...i think it was himself.

While bitch and damn have entered the television lexicon, I think it will be quite a while before you hear clusterfuck on the tube.

Off to wash my mouth out...

25 July 2005

Bird Rage

I am not a nice person.

22 July 2005

Good Times

Just a quick link that made me laugh. McSweeneys!

21 July 2005

Old Man Rage

The NHLPA voted to approve the new CBA today in Toronto. The owners will approve it tomorrow and then the lockout will be officially over. Some numnuts of a sports writer yesterday said that he thought it would be a close vote with perhaps 400 of the 700 players voting against the deal. Honestly, who are these people and how can I get their jobs? No way in hell the players are going to vote against the CBA. They already got hosed holding out until now. Do any of them really think that if they put off another season that a better deal would come around? I will say it again, hockey players are not a bunch of punch drunk goons. They know when to fold. They sorely underestimated the solidarity of the owners and they paid for it. To not sign this CBA would be beyond moronic.

Also in the news....This Guy! John Roberts is so clean he squeaks. This guy is an eagle scout for christs sake. The SC people are total crapshoots as to how they will really perform when on the bench. It will be interesting to see how this all pans out. The abortion issue is, of course, going to be a talking point during the confirmation hearings but really I can find very little other information about the guy. What does worry me to no end is that there is a Western Peanut and Panhandle Peanut Growers Association. Good lord...if there is ever some kind of Peanut Supreme Court case, Roberts will be walkin tall!

Two Minutes Hate
Oh yes folks, the first leg of the Electric Emphysema White Bread Cheese and Keystone tour is rolling into town this Saturday at 3pm. Wow I am so excited. Except that the old man wants to sleep at my place. I am going to a show that night. A show I have been looking forward to for a while. If my wackadoo (23 skidoo) father thinks that I am going to miss Slim Cessna and West Memphis Three Awareness Day he is out of his mind. I dont have television, I dont have crappy country music, and I am not cooking his sorry old ass breakfast.

The Bird

18 July 2005

Tank Rage

I am in a sour mood today. I worked this horrible show last night, so that didnt help. I suppose I am just feeling down....ohhh...pity party for Bird! I had strange dreams about the washington post, my father, and newbie.

Oh, how about a pops update before we get to the Two Minutes Hate. My sister was in the edge this weekend, going through his old shit to make sure that he didnt throw away all the sentimental items. I heard he was chucking out a pair of bronzed baby shoes when his soon to be ex stopped him. Man, he can be such a douche sometimes. So, sometime this week he is headed over the hills to visit me and my brother kilroy. I can tell you what...as much as I (often reluctantly) love the old fart, there is no way in hell he is parking his trailer near my house. He is going to stay for a day I think and then head to my sisters place in Potato, I mean idaho. Christ only knows what I am going to do with him. Say good bye in case he dies before I see him again i suppose.

Two Minutes Hate
So...here is a story from the NBC news station here in the good ol Mile High City. Tom Tancredo, the nutbag Colorado Republican Representative said that if "terrorists" attacked us with nuclear weapons that maybe in response we could knock out their holy sites. Honestly Tank, what are you doing even answering a question like this? And when are we going to stop calling them terrorists. As co-worker Smidge pointed out, "How can we call people terrorists when we are in their country attacking them." Yes, good point. Shouldnt we call them enemies at this point? Sure, some are from Pakistan or other countries but really, when we are in Iraq killing hundreds of people a day, arent some of them just fighting for what they believe in (even if we dont agree with them)? Are they really terrorists when they travel to this country and attack us back? But I digress...

Tom Tancredo is running for president. Are you excited? I know I am. He isnt running because he thinks he has a snowballs chance in hell of winning...he is running because then he can peddle his message to more people. Make some kind of name for himself. This is a guy who, during an interview with John Hawkins of the Right Wing News, said

"People ask me, "Well of the Islamic Community, how many would you say are really terrorists?" I say, "There are relatively few, less than 10% of the Muslim population that you could categorize as (supporters of) terrorists." Now how many people in their heart of hearts in that community want to see the demise of this country? How many would cheer, not out loud maybe, but in their heart when things like 9/11 occur and I'll tell you; it's a majority among them."

Tank, really...you have outdone yourself this time. I am sure the whitebread-redneck-bigots of District 6 (which sadly I am now part of since I moved) will really appreciate how you are "Working for Colorado."

peace and tweets~
The Bird

15 July 2005

Love For the Bone

Oh...you perverts.

I need to do a little thanking of a specific person. A good pal of mine has saved my ass not just once...but TWICE this week.

First...he helps me at the grocery store. Then, last night...I call him at 1am just before he goes to bed. Yes, boys and girls, birdy locked herself out of the car. So, Bone got up, put on clothes and drove his ass to the Tom's Dinner to give me an extra set of keys.

Oh Bone, how I love you....let me count the ways: 1, you saved my ass the the Queen Sooper 2. you saved me $150 in slim jim work. Guess that is it...but still 2 ways isnt bad at all!

Bird The Bone Lover (in more ways then one!)

14 July 2005

Road Rage

Two Minutes Hate

Dont you hate it when you have to call someone a ginormous prick before your first cup of coffee?

Some grey-haired, pipe smoking dickless wonder driving a zippy "Gee doesnt this make me look young and alive" car almost ran me off the road this morning. Usually I keep one eye on the road and the other on rejects who try to merge at the last possible second. If I see them creeping up on my right i just slowly, not aggressively, cut them off. Just to let them know that this kind of behavior isnt accepted. Today, I am bouncing around to the Beatles, 'Baby You're A Rich Man' to be specific, and didnt notice the geezer creeping. He cuts me off as I wail on my horn. Usually, that is the end of my confrontation with people. I dont ride their ass or cut them off, I just honk and am done with it. But man, today...I pulled up along side of him and rolled down my window...good thing traffic was moving slowly...and i yelled, "You're a ginormous prick you know that?!" He looked at me, kind of taken aback.

Birdy learned a little lesson about yelling at people in rush hour traffic...you cant really speed away after you insult them or their mother. Nope. You end up just sitting there, glancing over at them, trying not to talk out loud and look totally crazy. Meanwhile, 'It's All Too Much' pops up on the ipod and you think things begin to look up.

12 July 2005

McClellan Rage

Two posts in one week. Anger must be bubbling inside of me...just beneath the surface like magma.

Two Minutes Hate
I have posted about Karl Rove in the past. Maybe you think he is a brilliant strategist, I would probably agree. Hitler was too but that doesnt mean they both wernt righteous pricks (nah...just jerkin yer chain Rove...Hitler was a much bigger prick then you). Whether you love or hate the Bush Administration, you have to realize and respect the role that Rove plays. Anyone who can make a dunderhead like Bush seem like presidential material has to have a brain in there somewhere. The problem as I see it is that Karl's brain is used for evil! You know what our big-blue friend would say..."Villains, I say to you now, Knock off all that Evil!"

And really, joking aside...leaking the name of a CIA operative is in such bad form that the President himself said that if someone from the White House was involved that they would be fired. Alas, what do you do when the leak turns out to be your right hand man Mr. Rove? Well, like any good leader you send out your press sec. McClellan to look like a jackass. You can read the transcript of the press briefing here. If you really want to have a good time check out the C-SPAN video of the briefing here.

Talk about embarrassing. I would almost feel bad for McClellan if he wasnt so weaselly looking.

People...really think about this Rove thing. He is Bush's right hand man (or vice versa, perhaps) on everything the administration does. He was never elected, never subjected to any questioning by Congress like other members of the Bush Administration. He is completely outside the check and balance system...who is this guy? Do you really know?

Happy Tuesdays to you all

11 July 2005

List Rage

In place of the Two Minutes Hate I will list the things that are pissing me off on this Monday Afternoon.

--Tons-of-Fun is still here.
--I have a headache.
--The IT guy doesn't know my name, which doesnt bother me, but the fact that he tries to guess at it does.
--I have some happy corn stuck in my teeth
--My foot has been asleep for the better part of an hour. What the Fuck Foot?! Wake Up!
--I had to dress nice for the man from the Defense Department and the only nice shirt I have requires that I also wear nice shoes which means I have to wear socks.
--Nugget and I are not speaking....much to my chagrin
--I have conflicting emotions about two people in general (pumpkin head..you know who you are. And newbie....)
--I need an oil change
--The price of gas is so crazy-high it makes me cry
--I am a poet and i didnt even know it
--My father sets out for his trip next monday and now I have to find a place to stay when I am in the edge for a wedding this August...

Speaking of my father...I need help coming up with a name for his trip. You know...like Trip of the Damned--only funny. Let me give you some info about it all so you can help out.

My Father is:
Old, Dying, Selfish, Racist(I just found out), Red haired, Redneck, Poor, Uneducated and he almost married a Swiss Barmaid.
His Trip is:
Crazy, Exciting, Death-enducing, Scary, Sketchy, I assume it will also be a little Illegal

Get to work minions!

The Bird

07 July 2005

Rat Bastard Rage

Good wishes to folks in London after blasts there early this morning. If you have friends or family in the area and cant get a hold of them, check out the British Red Cross web page for information on how to track them down. My friend at work jokes about getting a gun "...you know, for the revolution." Maybe she knows something I dont. These kind of terrorist acts are going to get more and more common in areas that have forever been "safe", part of living in a modern world I suppose.

What really gets me is that you know Bush and Blair are going to use this as an "I told you so!" You know that Bush is going to pull the pig-dog American routine and say that this is why we are in Iraq and cant leave. You know this will be a way for them to push the Downing St. Memos under the rug. You know that he will insult every Londoner by making that smug little fucking face and lecturing to them about how America understands and how we are in Iraq to protect them. "See, UK? We are so helpful! Please dont pull out your troops like Poland...our second bigest ally!!"

Pops is out of his everloving gourd. He is taking 900 bucks a month, a dog, a beat up old truck and trailer and leaving the town he was born in to drive around the county til he dies. He is sick, not should-be-in-the-hospital-but-broke-out-to-spend-his-remaining-days-living kind of sick, just old man sick. He is supposed to be on oxygen but I am sure he isnt using it. God only knows what pills he should be taking. If he stayed where he was he would have maybe 5 years left but with this new plan I think it will be more like 2-3.

Sure...the idea is romantic. I can understand his motives. I would much rather live out my few remaining years traveling, albeit living in a dumpy trailer on forest service land. It is probably better for him to do this then to remain at home, never leaving his garage, smoking butt after butt and insulting minorities (you racist shit). Good for him...let him die feeling free and unhindered.

This is where I was going to begin my hate...talk about how my father can be the most self absorbed jerkoff. Discuss how my whole life was shaped by his surpreme acts of laziness. Just cant bring myself to bitch about it anymore. He tires you out...must be what my mother felt after a while. Just tired.

Well Fuck...that sounds depressing. How bout this to cheer us all up eh?