27 March 2007

Cats vs Dogs

Here is a story about a dog that jumped up and down on its owners chest because the dog saw that the woman was beating her chest trying to dislodge a piece of apple. So the dog kinda performed the hindlick...i mean Heimlich on her.

A cat would wait for you to die and then eat your face.

26 March 2007

This is Your Bird on Drugs

I think I have accidentally taken steroids. Certainly I have ingested some kind of illegal substance.

See, I have been craving fruit for months and months. Sadly, it being winter, there is a lack of good fruit at the stores. Everytime I see "fruit cup" on the menu i get excited until I remember that it is just going to be some melon and bad pineapple and grapes.

So, today as I was heading for work I remembered that there was a smoothie king nearby. I had never been before but I thought it would be nice and maybe satisfy my fruit craving, if only for a while.

I walk in and am assaulted by tubs of shake mixes and supplements. Did I accidentally walk into a GNC? Seriously, it was out of control. I would have just left but it was one of those awkward moments where you are the only person in the store and the counter guy was looking at me, waiting. I had to order something.

I browsed through the menu thinking, "no i dont want a carb supplement. Um...what the fuck is that?" I ended up getting a drink that sounded the least like the Cream and the Clear.

If i start growing chest hair and my boobs shrink I am gonna be so pissed.

20 March 2007

12 Signs You May Be a Criminal

...According to Cesare Lombroso (19th Century Italian Physician and founder of "criminal anthropology")
1.   enormous jaws
2.   high cheek bones
3.   prominent superciliary arches
4.   solitary lines in the palms
5.   extreme size of the orbits
6.   handle-shaped ears found in criminals, savages and apes
7.   insensibility to pain
8.   extreme acute sight
9.   tattooing
10. excessive idleness
11. love of orgies
12. the irresponsible craving of evil for its own sake, the desire not only to extinguish life in the victim, but to mutilate the corpse, tear its flesh and drink its blood.


I dont know about you but the last one kinda seemed like a no brainer right?

14 March 2007

Bathroom Stalker

The Fast Pee lady made an appearance today. I was washing my hands when she came in but I didnt look over (i hate the, "lets chat while we empty our bladders" thing. I end up sitting next to a chatterbox [get it get it?] and having a talk and then pee after they leave.) All i noticed was a blur of brown. She seemed tall. As I was struggling with the paper towels i heard it...the machine gun sound.

Damn! Why hadnt I looked at her/his face! Curse my pee-issues!

I decided that lurking around outside the bathroom and waiting for the person to emerge and then screaming "AHHHAA!!", might not be the best idea.

I have narrowed it down a bit though. The Pee doesnt work in my office and since there is only one other company on our floor I cant imagine it will be much longer until I finally figure it out. I can hardly wait.

Sleepy Bird

PS Hey Angelina, there are plenty of kids in this country that no one wants to adopt either. How about picking up one of them too?

12 March 2007


Newt Gingrich recently admitted to having an affair while pushing for Clinton's impeachment during the Monica Lewinsky incident. While this isnt really news since it was suspected at the time, I got very angry.

There are a couple of things I just cant stand; abuse of kids and animals, Dominick Hasek, and this holier-then-thou bullshit that "christians" pull all the time.

Now, before I go any further...I have no problem with christians or any one religion. Sure, I am bitter in my own way but what you do is for you and if it helps you in whatever way more power to you. (that's a lotta you's) I have a couple of friends who are christians and i really respect them. They are more then willing to answer all my silly questions and never try and convert me. They have a relationship with god and it is theirs alone.

I can perhaps illustrate my point better with a story. In the 'edge, where I went to high school, there were 10+ churches for a town just under 2000. Like so very many of us, my parents were divorced and I lived with just one parent. I always got the pity thing from all my friends parents. Good christians who have been married for 20+ years. Oh poor Bird, she only has her father around. It must be so hard...it must be so sad...she must be so messed up. Turns out, while my parents had their issues (lots and lots of issues) my friends religious parents had even more. Alcoholism, affairs, crazy unhappiness. Of my close pals, I am the child of divorce and I am also the one who escaped high school without a child, a marriage, a drug problem (mostly), a horribly low self esteem (again, mostly). The point is...I am not a christian and I am not perfect but I am doing just fine.

However, all day long we are bombarded by those who wish to convert. The worst of all these are those political types. The republicans who run on the platform of "Family Vlaues". Guys like...oh, lets say Mark Foley. I am sure you remember the Rep from Florida who left the capitol in late September after he admitted to sending sexually explicit messages to an underage male page. Ahh, yes...Family Values. These are the people that I dislike so much. These are the people who will stand up and scream about how homosexuality is immoral and in the meantime stop off at their mistress' house for a blow job.

Guys like Ted Haggard make me sick. They preach about values and about faith and they judge others unworthy and then, you see that they have been living a lie...right in front of everyone. Yet still they judge. The New Life Church says that they support Haggard and his 12 step "pray the gay away" program (that's Q's little gem not mine fyi). The hypocrisy of it all just kills me.

That is why Gingrich's admission to Lou Dobbs (another complete douchebag who you know has some skeletons) made me so angry. The whole lewinsky situation was crazy out of control...and here is Newt, trying to take down a president while getting his knob bobbed by some collegue.

I dont mean to say that all republicans are liars or cheats. Trust me, dems are no better. I guess it is just the GOP's turn to look like a fool. I am sure that in the next several months we will get our chance.

Also, can you imagine a president named Newt?

09 March 2007


Everyone here is a grouch today. It is supposed to be a day of happiness since it's friday but sadly, everyones boss is making everybody do crappy jobs that no one likes. Lemme tell ya, having gotten 5 hours of sleep last night, I could care less if you have a crappy copy job. Fucking lighten up.

Needless to say, I am struggling hard to keep my decent mood. Nothing is worse then a sleep deprived bitchy bird...

So, i read an article this moring about a sicko who tried to kidnap a little girl. I noticed that the sketch of the man looks remarkably like our former Gov. Bill Owens. See for yourself and tell me what you think...

Uncanny indeed...

08 March 2007

Estoy Apesadumbrado

I know that i should be blogging but honestly, i dont feel like I have anything worthy of writing about.
I read a story about this woman in colorado springs who woke up from a vegetative state after 6 years.  She was awake for 3 days and then slipped back.  It seems that she does this over and over again, though usually she isnt awake for very long.
The story said she saw her 12 year old daughter and 3 grandchildren.  Can you imagine that?  I mean, on both sides.  For the family you just have to wait and see when she wakes up again and then get as much time in as possible.  For the woman, she just wakes up to a whole new world.  Living a life in leaps and bounds.
It sounds like a great book idea and if someone writes it I expect some sort of compensation, dig?