30 November 2005

Neither snow nor rain my ass...

Happiest of all happy birthday wishes to my pal Scoot! You are the best chica!!


Two Minutes Hate
You know what I love? Mail! I love getting mail...only these days it is mostly bills and junk. No one sends letters anymore. Remember how great it was to get an honest to god hand written letter from someone?

You know what I hate? Mailmen! Wanna know why??
The cock sucker of a mailman dropped off mail in my box (dont I wish) and didnt pick up my mail. He put the new mail right on top. Seriously...the god damn flaggy thing was up even.

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds." Most of their appointed rounds is a better term it seems. I am tempted to leave a nasty note for him but you know that will just result in turds on top of my mail.

Damn you Mailman!!

Bird

PS i just decided that if i ever become a super hero, Super Bird or something like that, my nemesis will be The Mailman.

28 November 2005

Bird-Zilla

I killed an entire civilization this evening.

From the moment they settled in the valley of Leftover Chili they had worried about what seemed to be their impending destruction. Surely they had no more then one-perhaps two-generations before the Great Sponge would come for them. Still, they made homes, built schools, and formed community theater troupes.

Many many centuries past. So many, in fact, that they had almost forgotten what their ancestors told them..."One day, the Great Sponge will come with Lemon-Scented death." Silly, they thought.

They developed space flight and stretched to the furthest reaches of their world.


They felt invincible.


Today, the ground began to shake. The whole world began to spin. Suddenly, the ceiling was ripped off of their world. Every pioneer who traveled to the moon colony was suddenly gone. Before anyone had a chance to sound an alarm, scalding rain poured down upon them. Entire cities were swept away.

Then, without warning. Liquid Lemon gushed from above....

There were no survivors.

My Fallen Brethren



Just a little love for my dead brothers and sisters...













I was sans family this year and I must say, it was wonderful! I think it was wise for the angry bird to not be with family lest this quote appear in the local paper about me "Man beat family to death on Thanksgiving"

~tweet

22 November 2005

That One Person...

There are all kinds of people in my life. 
 
Each of them serves a purpose.  Each of them gives me something that I need.  That is what your friends do, they each give you something you need and in turn, you give to them. 
 
There are the people I talk to when I am feeling blue because they make me laugh and make me see that I am really an okay person.  There are the people you go to see chick movies with.  There are the people that I go shopping with.  People that I talk to when I need a slap in the face and a kick in the ass.  All kinds....
 
Each serves a purpose and each means a lot to me, even if I dont share it enough.
 
Last night, at 3am, while I was laying awake and having trouble sleeping I talked to the person who helps me relax.  The person who puts me at ease.  Thanks for that.
 
 
~Tweet Tweet~
 
 
 

19 November 2005

Whew!!!

Well, I am feeling much better. Yesterday was just miserable all around.

Today looks to be better.

The first sign of a better day is that I seem to have missed the Jehovah's Witnesses. I came home from the house/dog sitting to pick up some clothes and make sure the gato was still alive and noticed a JW pamphlet stuck in my door. Still warm. Nah, just jerkin yer chain.

What would I do if they showed up when I was here? The way my house is set up I cant really hide from someone at the door. So, I would have been forced to not answer knowing that they would see me ignoring them, or answer the door. I am sure I would have done the latter. When they started talking I would have taken all their matierals, let them blather on about Jesus while i sat zoning out and thinking about my new hockey jersey, and stopped just short of inviting them in. I most likely would have made up an excuse about how I have some meeting or appointment. They would have asked if they could come back and I would have said sure and set up a time and then made sure not to be home when they came back. I would have spent the next month or so living in constant fear of them returning and being forced to talk about religion.

Birdy is a sucker for people at her door. I cant tell you how much money i have given to charities, how many cookies or magazines I have bought from some school, how many lawn service or chimney sweepers I have listened to. I just cant say no at the door.

The BEST news from all of this is that "The suffering is near its end." Ya see, it seems that life and everything was just a big joke by god. He just wanted to prove to us that we arent better off living without his rule. That why there's been so much suffering. Wow...you really got me god. Nice one....

18 November 2005

Friday Rage

Two Minutes Hate
I hate fridays that act like mondays.  That should be illegal. 
 
If you are at work on a friday and it starts feeling like a monday, just go home.  If you find, perhaps, that your duties have changed and instead of doing the mindless task you were doing the day before you will now be doing an equally mindless task that you cant f*&ing stand....GO HOME. 
 
If you find that your plans for a nice evening with friends have been ruined because of some stupid physical ailment...GET DRUNK AT HOME AND PASS OUT.
 
If you realize that you wont get to go to the airport and you were really looking forward to it...MAKE PLANE NOISES AND TWIRL.
 
maybe not the last one.
 
 
I am annoyed!!!  Stupid friday!
 
 
B

14 November 2005

Snow Rage

Today, as I was driving towards laundry and the hockey game, i had one of those great colorado moments. It smelled like rain and snow all day long. Then, just as I was leaving the wind picked up. The snow started to fly, coming sideways mixed with dry yellow leaves and a stray newspaper insert.

I was so happy in that moment. I love the snow. I love winter and everything it suggests. I especially love the moment that a season changes...it is like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As I was driving my bliss turned to rage. Funny how that happens...

You people all live in colorado. You all have CO plates and suv's and ski racks. What is the deal with your crappy winter driving? Do you have long term memory issues and you just forget each spring summer and fall what to do when the streets get slick?

Ah jeez......

Say What?

Birdy said possibly the strangest thing today...and that is saying a lot.
 
"Fuck that, I dont want alligators getting into my castle.  That ain't right."
 
Even if i explained the context in which that phrase was uttered it still  wouldnt make a lick a sense (as my dear mum would say). 
 
 

13 November 2005

You Dont Know Nuthin'

Ohh..my name is Munpe Q and I am sooooo smart. 
 
 

10 November 2005

Dangerous Vapor

I am sitting at home listening to music and pondering a spin of the old DVD player now that I know it isnt broken (thanks again Aussie).

"Bird bird bird...i know you are a lazy fuck," you may be thinking to yourself, "but surely you arent ditching work and blogging about it are you?"

OH heavens no, and dont call me shirley (just for you K).

Today we got two reverse 911 calls. The first, from the Lafayette Police Department said something about capturing the fugative and that we were all clear. Umm...okay. The second, from the Boulder Police Department, told us that we had to evacuate because we were in the 2sq mile evac area. Reno started singing "Highway to the Danger Zone." It was good times. Seems there was some sort of hazmat issue up the road at the IBM plant.

Needless to say, free day off baby!

I went to lunch, bought two CD's (I highly recommend them both, Wolf Parade (which I remember hearing about somewhere) and The Magic Numbers ~thanks for the turn on to them both Slim!~), and am now happily sucking down an ice cold 90 shilling. Ahhh....solid.

There is hockey on tonight and things are looking great...

One Comes In and One Goes Out...

Good news from Pennsylvania and the GOP. Maybe today wont be so bad after all...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Yesterday early morning a friend of mine died.

Three hours later, somewhere else, a new baby girl was born to good friends of my pal Munpe Q.


Life is funny like that sometimes...


B

08 November 2005

Sunflower State Rage

Until just a moment ago I was filled with this kind of crazy insane happy energy.

Two Minutes Hate
Again, with the Kansas State School Board.

The Kansas State School Board Ok'ed new science standards that say "high school students must understand major evolutionary concepts. But they also declare that the basic Darwinian theory that all life had a common origin and that natural chemical processes created the building blocks of life have been challenged in recent years by fossil evidence and molecular biology. In addition, the board rewrote the definition of science, so that it is no longer limited to the search for natural explanations of phenomena."

Rewrote the definition of science? Are you serious?

The most frustrating bit of the story is this quote from board member John Bacon, "It gets rid of a lot of dogma that's being taught in the classroom today." In the same paragraph it says that the new language will promote "academic freedom."

Well, someone has been reading Lakoff.


I am so annoyed right now at the turns this country has been taking. Backstepping into the middle ages. Becoming more and more conservative (not always a bad thing) while at the same time throwing science and reason under the bus.

Too frustrated to write a good response.

04 November 2005

Inside Bird's Plasma

What college student hasnt been strapped for cash? Thinking, how can i buy books, eat and pay for beer with just my crappy work study job? Good question!

When i was in college, after a month of cheese and mustard sandwiches and then just mustard and bread when the cheese ran out, i thought...using my body as an organic ATM isnt such a bad idea. Ahhh...yes.....selling plasma!!

The first time you sell your plasma, you have to go through a physical as well as a "rigorous" questioning. They feel you up, take some blood and make sure you havent had unprotected sex with a man from Africa since 1978. Yeah, i am serious. They asked me, have you had a tattoo in the last year. I answer yes....and they say, umm...okay dont tell anyone that. This is where a doctor, while listening to my heart asked:
Doc: "Has anyone ever told you that you have a heart murmur?"
Bird: "Um...no"
Doc: "OK"
Bird: "Well, do i?"
Doc: "Nah, I was just wondering."

Grrrreeeeaaattt......

So after the questions they spin your blood and make sure you dont have diseases. This is the fun time where you hope to god they dont call you into the small room to break the bad news.

If you pass the muster they send you to the back room. A bunch of chairs with machines and people sitting there getting the very life sucked out of them. They show you to a chair and let you pick a magazine and there you wait for someone to hook you up.

The first time I went I was nervous. It was thundering outside...greenish skies that suggested tornados. Anyone who knows the Bird knows that I hate tornados. In fact, i am down right terrified of them. So, here i sit...waiting for needles and blood and there are tornados. Suddenly, the skies part and the sun breaks out. I look up and my attendent is walking toward me. He is a small nice looking man. Brown hair that reaches his shoulders. A full brown beard and a nice smile. I look at the name on his lab coat and it says CHRIST. No shit. I just kinda look up at Christ and point. He looks down and says, "Oh yeah...its Christopher but they tried to fit as many letters on there as they could."

They hook you up and suck out your blood...spin it like crazy to separate the clear yellowish fluid portion of the blood that transports water and nutrients to all the cells in the body. The plasma is used for transfusions for people who have suffered shock, burns or trauma. See, so selling yourself is a good thing.

Once you are done you get some saline and 25 bucks! Wow...what a deal. They advise you to go straight home and eat something. Take it easy for a while. I also recommend this. Once, I couldnt go straight home. See, I needed that 25 bucks for food...most importantly food for the gatos. So there I stand in the grocery line...holding my bag of cat food and trying not to let the bloody cotton ball slip off my arm. I start to feel woozy. Ugh....the clerk asks if i am okay...i look pale. I get the food and drive home. When i get there i have nothing left, literally sucked dry. So i lay on the floor and open the cat food. "Kitties...you just have to eat here." My roommate finds me on the ground-cat food scattered around my body.

I stopped giving plasma after that...

03 November 2005

The Sickness Rage

Here i am....in pain but making some noodles because birdy has to eat and take meds. The best way to ignore the pain? Blog! Yes, soon you will all see that blogging actually adds years to your life. Dont believe me? Ummm....i have no catchy come back to that.

Two Minutes Hate
Okay...so i have been catching a lot of flack for this so called "bird flu" Let me just say right now that I am not the bird responsible for all the sickness in Asia. In fact, I've never even been there! But now, i start to hear things out of our own country. Things that kinda scare me. This came in just today, "Dealing with bird flu: no kissing birds"

WHAT? That's just mean! I wont hurt you, I promise! (Unless you're into that kinda thing and then we can talk)

Really though...i am harmless...mostly....come on....pucker up!!! What are ya Chicken?

HAHAHA went the Bird

02 November 2005

Directions...

Methocarbamol 500mg
Take one tablet by mouth two or three times daily for spasm.
MAY CAUSE DIZZINESS
MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS
DO NOT take alcohol or non persecription drugs without consulting your doctor.

Diclofenac 50mg
Take one tablet by mouth twice daily with food.
This medication should be taken with PLENTY of WATER.
SWALLOW WHOLE. Do not crush or chew
Medicine may cause drowsiness or dizziness
If medication upsets your stomach, take with a modest meal, crackers, or bread.


I wish someone was here to entertain me....and make me a modest meal.


When will these damn pills kick in??!!!

tweet tweet went the sore bird...