04 November 2005

Inside Bird's Plasma

What college student hasnt been strapped for cash? Thinking, how can i buy books, eat and pay for beer with just my crappy work study job? Good question!

When i was in college, after a month of cheese and mustard sandwiches and then just mustard and bread when the cheese ran out, i thought...using my body as an organic ATM isnt such a bad idea. Ahhh...yes.....selling plasma!!

The first time you sell your plasma, you have to go through a physical as well as a "rigorous" questioning. They feel you up, take some blood and make sure you havent had unprotected sex with a man from Africa since 1978. Yeah, i am serious. They asked me, have you had a tattoo in the last year. I answer yes....and they say, umm...okay dont tell anyone that. This is where a doctor, while listening to my heart asked:
Doc: "Has anyone ever told you that you have a heart murmur?"
Bird: "Um...no"
Doc: "OK"
Bird: "Well, do i?"
Doc: "Nah, I was just wondering."


So after the questions they spin your blood and make sure you dont have diseases. This is the fun time where you hope to god they dont call you into the small room to break the bad news.

If you pass the muster they send you to the back room. A bunch of chairs with machines and people sitting there getting the very life sucked out of them. They show you to a chair and let you pick a magazine and there you wait for someone to hook you up.

The first time I went I was nervous. It was thundering outside...greenish skies that suggested tornados. Anyone who knows the Bird knows that I hate tornados. In fact, i am down right terrified of them. So, here i sit...waiting for needles and blood and there are tornados. Suddenly, the skies part and the sun breaks out. I look up and my attendent is walking toward me. He is a small nice looking man. Brown hair that reaches his shoulders. A full brown beard and a nice smile. I look at the name on his lab coat and it says CHRIST. No shit. I just kinda look up at Christ and point. He looks down and says, "Oh yeah...its Christopher but they tried to fit as many letters on there as they could."

They hook you up and suck out your blood...spin it like crazy to separate the clear yellowish fluid portion of the blood that transports water and nutrients to all the cells in the body. The plasma is used for transfusions for people who have suffered shock, burns or trauma. See, so selling yourself is a good thing.

Once you are done you get some saline and 25 bucks! Wow...what a deal. They advise you to go straight home and eat something. Take it easy for a while. I also recommend this. Once, I couldnt go straight home. See, I needed that 25 bucks for food...most importantly food for the gatos. So there I stand in the grocery line...holding my bag of cat food and trying not to let the bloody cotton ball slip off my arm. I start to feel woozy. Ugh....the clerk asks if i am okay...i look pale. I get the food and drive home. When i get there i have nothing left, literally sucked dry. So i lay on the floor and open the cat food. "Kitties...you just have to eat here." My roommate finds me on the ground-cat food scattered around my body.

I stopped giving plasma after that...


Dr. Suspicio said...

Christ and tornadoes lead to a passed-out Bird...lucky the gatos didn't eat you.

So...you had that heart-murmur thing doublechecked? 'cuz if you DID have one and he was double-screwing with you, that'd be bad.

Jen said...

I didn't have such a good plasma-selling experience, either. I got sick in the waiting room afterward, and they highlighted my name in yellow on their list and asked me not to come back. Then I drove back to my apartment and drove over the shrub in front of my parking space. I didn't even back up - I just left my car there on the shrub and crawled into my apartment. My neighbors laughed at me for weeks.