30 June 2005

Tons-of-Fun Rage

I am jumping straight into this one....

Why do I hate her? Oh, many reasons, but one jumps into my head right away.

When she reads something funny she laughs loud and waits for you to ask what is so funny. If you dont ask she laughs even louder and sometimes says "That is so funny." She waits again for you to ask. If, like me you have chosen to make this as fucking difficult as possible, she will say something like "I hope I am not bothering you...this just made me laugh. Wow...what a good laugh. Man, fuuuunnnnny" and so forth. I refuse to respond to this shit. Grow a sack and fucking tell me what is funny. Or dont, I dont really give a shit.

Tons-of-Fun does the same thing when she doesnt like a cd that my co-worker has picked.

Tons-of-Fun: What is this we are listening too??
Co-Worker: Tom Waits
ToF: Is this song playing at half speed or something?
Co-Worker: It's Tom Waits...it sounds fine
ToF: Are those words coming from his mouth? I mean like actual words?
Bird From Next Room: Are you trying to say you dont like it and would like to put in something else? Cuz if that is what you want to do then you should say that instead of making these vague comments.
ToF: No, it is fine I dont want to be a pain in the ass
Co-Worker: Too late

Why do people do that? Why do they want you to ask, "what is funny?" "what did johnny do?" "What happened at the old quarry?" Why cant people just say...oh once at the quarry... Is it insecurity or just a really fucking annoying conversation style? I refuse to play along with this shit anylonger! Refuse! You hear that? I got something else for you tons-of-fun.....Swingin' (points at crotch)

Tons-of-Fun: It feels kinda hot in here
Bird and Co-Worker: .........................
ToF: Are you guys hot?
Bird: .......
Co-Worker: No
ToF: Really, I am really hot. Man, it is kinda stuffy too. I am stuffy.
Bird and Co-Worker: ...........
ToF: Do you guys think it is stuffy?
Bird: Are you asking if you can turn on the air conditioning because you should just ask that.
ToF: Um.......

Fuck you Tons-of-Fun. You are going on my shit list. The list of people that I will shit on when given the opportunity. If I was a chimp I would throw my shit at you ToF. Then I would laugh and do that bouncy point crazy laugh thing that they do. You've seen that before right?

I am past the point of being polite. You werent supposed to stay long and yet...you have returned. We were so happy, I drank to your last day and now...here you are Tons-of-Fun. Here you are.

Fuck you.

27 June 2005

Malt Rage

I hate Karl Rove. I am so tired of these 3rd-grade I'm-rubber-you're-glue shouting matches between the democrats and republicans (couldnt resist newbie!). I am so tired of his comments about how liberals are a bunch of lily-livered pansies. Yes Karl, I know. And you are all a bunch of gun-toting racists; Can we all move on to something more important? How can he, at the begining of his speech to the New York Conservative Party attack liberals for playing partisan politics (which sounds like an oxymoron to me) and then conclude his speech with this...

"Has there been a more revealing moment this year than when Democratic Senator Richard Durbin, speaking on the Senate floor, compared what Americans had done to prisoners in our control at Guantanamo Bay with what was done by Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot - three of the most brutal and malevolent figures in the 20th century?
Let me put this in fairly simple terms: Al Jazeera now broadcasts to the region the words of Senator Durbin, certainly putting America's men and women in uniform in greater danger. No more needs to be said about the motives of liberals."

Are you suggesting that liberals want to harm men and women in uniform? What kind of game are you playing Karl?

God how I hate him.

Two Minutes Hate
So yes, I could go on for hours about my hatred of Mr. Rove but I thought it would be better for my mental health to bring up a subject that I was ranting about earlier with two friends. Yes, that is right...the soaring costs of beer. Here is an excerpt from an email I sent today to said friends...

Honestly...what does a chick have to do to get an affordable pint around here? You would think that there is a beer shortage. That the price per keg has jumped to $60, much like the recent oil prices. Perhaps the U.S., as we speak, is invading Germany and Ireland and Belgium to "liberate" their people and free up some much needed reserve supplies of the sweet sweet beer. If we aren't, perhaps we should be. Storming the breweries all across Europe carrying dollies for the kegs and steins to quench our unending hunger for the malty beverage. I would gladly sign up for the Beer Wars. Operation Hop, Operation Enduring Drunkards. We would need a better name. Additionally, we live in Denver-a place sometimes touted as having the most micro-breweries this side of the Atlantic, our mayor is a Brewery Magnate. The attack should begin at home ladies. Yes, I am talking about a revolution.

So...yes. That is what I wrote this morning while lamenting a great new pub in denver that has inexpensive food and a great vibe but pricey pints. Sure, I know that $60 for a keg isnt a bad price but you get the idea.

On my recent trip to Kansas I was most astounded not by the wonderful music, the friendly people, the green rolling hills, or the fact that you can buy beer on sunday. No, what knocked my socks off was walking into the Freestate Brewery, hot and dripping after a long trip, ambling up to the bar and asking for a pint of the Ad Astra Ale (Bronze Medal Winner 1991 Great American Beer Festival - Dusseldorf Style Alts) and forking over $2.75. Yes my beer chugging friends you heard me right.

This has got to be like living in Hawaii and paying 25 bucks for a pineapple, like living in Philly and forking over 40 smackers for a cheese steak, like living in d.c and having to screw yourself with your pants on instead of waiting for a politician to do it.

As someone once said "I hurl these haters, cruel, sinful, and mean people of the world, into the wombs of demons again and again." Obviously they paid too much for a 90 Shilling.

Bottoms Up~

21 June 2005

Tweedy Rage

Vacations are nice but they always lead to the inevitable, "I need a vacation from my vacation!" comment. And boy-howdy if it isnt true (I promise to never say that again). Coming back to a clusterfuck of work is no fun at all.

Even so, getting out of town for even a couple of days is the best thing you can do for yourself. If you are reading this...stop. Pack a quick bag, jump in a car-train-plane-boat etc. and go! You will not regret it, I can promise you that. This trip was very relaxing. Great destination, great music, great traveling buddies. That last bit is often overlooked. If you are trapped in a car for 8 hours in the heat and humidity it is very important to not be riding around with a bunch of uptight, rigid, demanding assholes. A similar mindset can really make or break a roadtrip. I was lucky enough to be blessed with great traveling pals, Scoot and Slim. Ahh, what a great time and the memories, the memories. That crappy restaurant, that time we almost died in the tower, that one guy who stepped in human shit...memories that will last a lifetime, or at least until the next trip.

Two Minutes Hate
Before we headed out for Wakarusa I was talking with a friend, Crash, about the new Wilco album. We both felt that Wilco could shit on a disc and have it declared genius. Their newest album, A Ghost Is Born, never really did it for me. I was excited about seeing them this last saturday even though I knew there would be a lot of new tunes. You know they wont play casino queen because tweedy is a dick but there will be a little something for everyone in the show. Still, even though I knew it would be fun and entertaining-I had no idea how...I just cant even begin to explain how amazing it was. Could it have been the drugs? I am sure they helped but...there is something about that fucking band!

Jeff Tweedy is an ass. Everyone knows that, but sweet baby jesus can that guy work a crowd. I had the biggest smile on my face the entire show. I wish I could express it better. This is the point in the blog where I curse the fact that I am not a writer (shakes fist in air*).

So the rage is this....Bird, you are such a jackass. Wilco is genuis! Tweedy should be your god you worthless bag of shit! Go out and buy A Ghost is Born right now.


*like I just dont care

07 June 2005

Poke Check Rage

The best thing about moving is that feeling when you dont need to hunt through a box for something. The only things left to unpack are useless items that make you think to yourself...why did I even have this? What do I do with the IKEA magazine rack now that I have no room for it in my bathroom? Rest my pretties...i will find room for you somewhere.

As a prelude to my 2mh I want to direct all you folks to the newest Buccigross article about the beloved Sea Bass. Yes, that's right...Cam Neely was indeed Sea Bass in Dumb and Dumber. He has also appeared in There's Something About Mary and Me, Myself and Irene. The Farrelly Brothers have asked lots and lots of sports people to make appearances in their movies. But I digress...

Two Minutes Hate
Poke Check is what I would name my hockey themed bar. I like it because it kind of sounds dirty. For all of you who are not familiar with the sport a poke check is a technique in ice hockey in which a defender uses the blade of the stick to push the puck off the stick of an opponent. A hockey-themed bar is really just something I would use to write off massive purchases of memorabilbia and bubble hockey tables.

My rage today is near and dear to my heart...assholes who are not fans of the sport but feel knowledgeable enough to tell me what is wrong with it. Yes, I know I live in Colorado where professional hockey is young. However, we have a history of hockey here. Good high school and college teams. A new and excellent CHL team. A good professional team as well as lots of beer leagues. All are well-supported. I am new to the sport-5 years give or take-and I dont believe that you have to have grown up with it to enjoy and understand it. Is it a part of my childhood and my roots? No but I dont think that matters. It doesnt take away from my enjoyment or my passion for it. Additionally, all you cocks who constantly remind me that it is not very popular...wow...who fucking cares? The fact that you dont appreciate it doesnt mean that I shouldnt either. It is okay for you not to like it. I myself dont care for baseball. That doesnt mean you are some kind of loser for being a fan; all it means is that I dont like it. Again with the digression...

What gets me are people like bubblebutt (name changed to protect identity). BB doesnt like hockey. She thinks it is violent and goonish. She once told me that she doesnt watch hockey because of the fighting. BB wouldnt watch hockey if there was fighting, if it was banned, or even if the players were skating around in their jockstraps a la Slapshot. She wouldnt watch it and that is okay, but leave it at that man. Yes, they have missing teeth-not so much because they are fist swinging goons but more so because they are whacking frozen vulcanized rubber around at 90+ miles an hour. Gone are the days of the Broad Street Bullies. Are there still goons around? Sure. However, no more goons exist in hockey then in football (B. Romanowski, R. Lewis), basketball (J. Williams, A. Iverson) or baseball (J. Rocker et al).

I know very little about baseball and dont even begin to comment about what should be done to make it better. How would I know? I dont watch it. Yet, when Bertuzzi hit Steve Moore I had to endure hundreds of "lemme tell ya how it is Bird". When the lockout began i listened to a thousand "you know what's wrong with your sport there..." Oh my god people-you dont know which is the blue or red line! You scream shoot everytime someone gets the puck! You ask me, why do they keep leaving the ice after only half a minute? You need me to explain icing and you are going to "tell me how it is"?

Dont get me wrong. I like introducing people to my adopted sport. I do believe that once you see a live hockey game, you will never be the same again. However, i could do without the armchair quarterbacking from people who dont even like the game. Lay off will ya?!!