Achoo!

Have you ever sneezed with your mouth open? Not recommended.

Yes kiddos, birdy has a summer cold. It hit at really a horrible time. I am trying to cram tons of work, a vacation, a show, and some hockey games into two weeks and really cant afford to slack off. Ah well, you take the good, you take the bad, you take em both and there you have the facts of life right? Right.

*****
The Weakerthans show was last night and I am happy Q gently pushed me to go despite my whinning. It was a good show and I got to see my new favorite person ever. He looked like Napoleon Dynamite but with a rat tail (also curly!) and a puffy metalic Unicorn t-shirt. I shit you not. He was one of those cats that always pumps his hand in the air even if it's a ballad. Good times.

I wish I could write more but my head is filled with what feels like Jam. It is hard for me to concentrate so I will wish you a happy weekend.

Tweet tweet went the bird

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

Certainly I have used that title before, right?

Anyway, in hopes of becoming a richer man or at least a more intellectually challenged man (too late!), I accepted a job with an environmental company working in the cultural resouces division. Archaeology is a harsh mistress.



I am excited about the new job because it looks to be the nice mix of some field work but more research, writing, doc production, GIS, etc. I am tired of slogging around the west not eating so i can save per diem. I had decided a long while ago that it was the only true archaeology job I would take and so, when they offered me a job about a week ago I figured it would be stupid to say no. I hope it proves to be as friendly as it sounds.

The Many Loves Of Birdy P

It is late and again I cant sleep. So many random thoughts running through my mind.

Remember The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis? God, I loved that show when I was a kid. Still do although, it most likely doesnt hold up...like voltron sadly.



I think that most likely this blog wont be as good if you cant listen to my ipod while reading it. Right now I am listening to the song "Kaze Wo Atsumete" from the Lost in Translation soundtrack. In case you were wondering, I have no idea what the song is about and I dont think i want to know.

Cherish by The Association. This song makes me think of that long long drive on The Loneliest Road in America. I had a severely sprained ankle and had left my cd's in San Francisco. 13 hours with only intermittent AM radio and my ipod. Luckily someone in bumfuck nevada was playing Cherish. They dont write songs like that anymore.

Wolf Parade, Grounds for Divorce....I like em even if the lead singer has a bad voice.

Late Night Musings
I love the smell of sunscreen on skin. Mine, or anyone elses. There is something so, summer-y or active or another adjective, that makes me happy inside.

I cant stop thinking about Yuma, Arizona and okra at the crazy texas restaurant while i decided if I should blow off Tucson and drive to LA.

I am thinking about Carter Lake and the rock and Alaska.

I am thinking about Q and how great it felt today when he placed his hand on my head. The sun was shining and there was a great breeze but it was so cool and his hand so warm.

About how much I still like the Spin Doctors. I cant help myself. There are a couple bands I listened to in High School and no matter how lame or strange or stupid they are I just cant resist them. Crash Test Dummies anyone? Whenever I hear SDrs I think of PE class with Sab.

About Fairfax, VA and how, sadly, I hope I dont get sent there...ever

My grandmother and mother who lost someone close to them and how much it sucks to loose people close to you.

I finished a wonderful book tonight that you should read. The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets. I love it and hate it when you are enjoying a book so much that you dont want it to end. Really, very good stuff. And again I am looking for something else to read. Anyone have something to recommend?

Sorrow by David Bowie. Lord that is a good song. The happiest sad song ever.

*************

I think it may be time to rest. Perhaps typing this all out will wring it from my mind. One can only hope.

Sweetest of dreams to you...

Birdy

Curl Up and Dye

Guess what everybody?!

*What Bird?!*

The 2009 U.S. Olympic curling trials will be held in Denver!

*Really? Lets all go!!*

I totally agree!
Guess who we beat out?

*Who?*

Bismarck, Fairbanks, Milwaukee and Rochester

*Shut Up!*

I know, pretty stiff competition eh?

*Should I give you money for tickets now?*

No, we have some time.

*How Much?*

Let's see....7000 seat available and today is September 19th, 2007....so we have...17 months.

*Good Christ!*

That's what I thought.

UPDATE
It's Talk Like a Pirate Day!
Aaaaaayyyyy Matey

Avast and so forth.

UPDATE 2
I hope it didnt sound like I dont like curling, cuz I do. How can you not. It is so different that I am fascinated everytime it is on. Dont believe me? Read Here

Passing Time

I am browsing through fark.com and thought I would post some story tags that I thought were particularly clever. With links.


"Controversy erupts at women's World Cup as the Chinese team is accused of spying on other teams. Chinese team coach Chen-Ming Belichick angrily denies the accusations"

"Attendance at Marlins/Nationals game barely surpasses number of Spartans at Thermopylae"

"The 10 worst team names in sports. Surprisingly, the Butte Pirates are only No. 2"

"Put out a APB for a white male riding a bike, carrying a giant white teddy bear... oh wait, there he is"

"The federal government estimates it will cost $100 billion to deport all illegal immigrants. A bunch of Mexicans at the 7-11 around the corner say they'll do it for $500 cash"

"Hey Texas. SURPRISE -- I'm a hurricane. Love, Humberto"

And this; the best photo ever...

Hockey

Training Camp for the Avalanche starts tomorrow. I am in that general area so I am hoping to bail on work in the next coming months and go to an avs practice. I have heard that they are fun to attend, though they certainly cant be any more boring then a Broncos practice...

Here's a link to a slideshow of the new Uniforms. They could have been worse but I think I am going to have to agree with the Uniwatch on this one.

No matter I am excited for hockey season!

Happy thursday

B

The Weakerthans

My most favorite band from Canada is coming to town on the 27th of September.

Here is a link to mp3's and videos of them. I highly recommend Plea From A Cat Named Virtue and the video of the Psalm for the Elks Lodge Last Call. They are playing at the Marquis Theater across from my favorite bar (and home of the lying insane bartender) Scruffy Murphys.

You know you want to buy a ticket and then have a beer...

Oh No You Din't

Ocho Cinco just left a message, insulting me and saying I didnt have a job.

 

I believe i have a new nemesis...

Things I Dont Understand

Whooo...hectic!

Happiest of birthdays to Munpe Q last weekend.

I know that He Who Shall Be Unnamed is having a birthday soon as well but I cant remember the specific date (it has been 5 years) and he hasnt told me yet so...there you go.

The AIDS Walk went off with very few hitches on my part and I will have a blog about it soon.

Now...for an installment of Things I Dont Understand

Number 1
People who are so uncomfortable in their own skin that they have to talk on the phone, actually jumping from conversation to conversation, rather then just sit and read or listen to music, or not think. Who the hell can you call at such an early hour I wonder?

Number 2
People who smoke dope at 7:30am. I mean, i cant even begin to understand that. Just the idea makes me cringe.


Alrighty..

Hope the week is going great for everyone!

B

We're* All Gonna Die!

*Redheads, Gingers, Carrot Tops, Fire Crotches, etc.

Someone mentioned that they read an article about redheads going extinct in 100 years. I found an interesting article about it here.

Hmm...a dying breed. You know that in 75 years someone will come up with the crazy idea to round up the remaining redheads and force them to have babies and grow their hair long for wigs. Man, am I glad I wont be alive in 75 years. Oh wait...no I'm not!

Whouda Thunk It

Friday...pay day...raise day...last day before a three day weekend...

Oh, there goes my birdmobile.

Have you seen that commercial where the couple makes the last payment on their car and then their rearview mirror falls off? That was me on Friday. It seemed to be a glorious day, what with it being all of those things you read above, but instead of my mirror falling off, it was my headgaskets about to blow. Oh what joy.

It lead to a really crappy friday afternoon and a bummer of a weekend. Today doesnt really seem to be looking too hot either.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a safe holiday weekend filled with no labor and no DUI's.

B

PS. 802.1q...I am sorry.

Leave Me Alone

Please god, just let me be. I dont have answers for you...and if I do, I dont care to share them.

Jesus, who the fuck do you think I am?

Random

Two things...

1. My underwear was made in Israel.

2. I just got an email from "my old high school friend" Juan McGee. Ahh, Juan McGee, the scottish mexican living in Colorado. I suppose it isnt any stranger then the Russian Hispanic Jewish guy that Q works for. Hello there Unique...

A Recommendation

Observatory Mansions

You most likely know that I am obsessed with lists. I have scores of lists in most of my journals; they cover pages of half-filled notebooks purchased just so i could jot down words. Just words.

I like Sports Center's Top Ten, McSweeney's Lists...I even watched one of those VH1's top 100 songs of the 80's lists on tv yesterday (in all fairness, I spent all day in the harsh glow of the idiot box so i cant really be held responsible for what I was exposed to.)

The point is, Observatory Mansions is right in my wheelhouse. It is very
quixotic and beautiful, strange and creepy. I am on my second pass and really had to recommend it.

Hope your monday is just swell...

B

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Now give me a goddamn beer.

OMG

I just sent an email hoping to get a Zamboni Driver job.



yay!

I am a supreme long shot but I also love rejection so either way it is a win-win.

Why Archaeology Sucks

"Field conditions will be harsh due to the high daytime temperatures which will range from 100 to 110 degrees. The work schedule will be 8 ten-hour days of fieldwork with six days off within a two-week pay period."

Pay for this project? $10.00 to 14.00 Commensurate with Experience.

Um...can anyone say Norma Rae?




UPDATE
On the other hand, my two degrees did allow me to breeze through this Archaeology Quiz on msn.com

Michael Vick

This morning all the radio sports guys are talking about Michael Vick working a plea in the dogfighting fiasco. On our local station, 950 the Fan, someone asked why people were so upset about Vick when Leonard Little was still playing in the NFL. Little was blottoed and crashed into another car killing the driver. He served his time and six years later was pulled over again for a DUI. The Fan listener, while not condoning Vick's behavior, was muffed that people were more upset about a dog than a human.

Moser and Clough, the talking heads in the morning, were trying to urge the listener to take these as two separate incidents. However, i think the factor that makes these different is the intent. Since pleading quilty Michael Vick has said, through his attorneys, that he has made mistakes. That isnt really true. Leonard Little made a mistake. He was stupid and arrogant for driving drunk but he didnt intend to kill anyone. Michael Vick didnt make a mistake. He knew exactly what he was doing...training dogs to fight. He knew exactly what the outcome was for dogs that didnt do well...hanging, beating, electrocution--simply put, death.

The intent behind having a beer and thinking, "it wont happen to me" is worlds away from the intent behind Michael Vicks actions. I for one hope that Vick is done with the NFL forever. The guy is obviously a complete douche...that being said, he would fit right in at Oakland....Zing~




UPDATE:
This is the stupidest thing I have heard in awhile, "White also said he didn't understand the uproar over dogfighting, when hunting deer and other animals is perfectly acceptable." If you cant see the difference between the two then you need a solid swap upside the head. The Vick issue isnt about race. In fact, if he had been a white guy he would have been branded a backwoods redneck. Black or white, what Vick did was a wrong and cruel.

Sunday TV Wisdom

"Love is the secret map to your treasure called wisdom"

"Blood Diamonds"

Happy Birthday

The Compact Disc was first mass produced 25 years ago in Germany. Those crazy Germans, no one will ever replace all their cassette tapes!



I am sure that the first cd i ever purchased was from that BMG music club. I was so totally into that. Signing up under multiple names just to get the initial 12 discs for the price of one deal. I was buying classical cd's at the time because that is how lame of a teenager i was. I remember buying elvis costello and a grateful dead collection as well as a beatles best of. I kind of wish I was more forward thinking so that I would have maybe jotted it down in a diary or something. Sadly, most of my middle/highschool stuff was chucked when my pops up and moved the summer i was riding around on the bus. I am sure if I had noted my first ever cd purchase it would have been thrown away with the rest of my childhood memories. Ah well, that is a story for a different day.


Happy Friday everyone!

B

Sad

Max Roach is dead.

Bummer indeed.

Roach played with every solid jazz player out there.

Listen to Birth Of The Cool in memory.

The Madness

Sklimps turned me onto the insanity that is Jonathan Lee Riches, a South Carolina prisoner bringing various lawsuits agains Michael Vick among others (Three Mile Island, Tony Danza, Islamic Republic of Iran, University of Miami, GEICO Insurance, Jewish State of Israel, Soledad O'Brien, Tsunami victims, The American Red Cross, Jessica Alba, Charles Moose, al-Qaida Islamic Arm,Fruit of A-Loom [sic], Outback Steakhouse, Donald J. Trump, Chris Berman.)

There is another lawsuit, asking for $211,429,399,000,000.00 backed by gold and silver and delivered by UPS to the prison, that claims that Larry King, "is a voodoo witch doctor who stole my identity on Feb 25th 2003 and purchased lead paint, chip ahoy, Planters peanuts and zip lock bags under my identity. Distributed them to the CIA to microwave test my DNA"

Wow...

What can you say to that eh?

Why Are You So Fowl This Morning...

I am always fowl, thank you for asking. It is my very nature...

Seriously though, somebody has a case of the monday's. Does it mean something that I am grouchy and angry at the beginning of every single week? I believe it does.

I have to learn to get out of this funk. I had a nice weekend; I forced Q to watch Clue which I know he was grateful for. I had some beers so, you cant go wrong there. I tried to pester my brother which is always a good time. I had some free iced-tea and listened to some horrible music. I met a fellow shovel bum who found a way out and seemed interested in helping me out too...really what do I have to complain about?

I am being a whinny bitch and i really must get over it.

Blast From the Past

A big hello and how's your mother to my old college chum! I have yet to come up with a witty nickname for you so for now you shall be He Who Is Unnamed, yeah...all bold and stuff too.

Alumni

I am so proud to be an alumni of UNC.

And I hear it stills smells like cow shit and burning blood!

Yay Greeley!

Launch Day

The shuttle Endeavour launches today at 6:36 p.m. EDT.

If you are interested in watching the launch you can do so on "NASA TV"

I also suggest the Launch Blog. It provides all kinds of information about what is going on before the actual launch. For example, right now the STS-118 crew members are having the technicians help them climb into their orange launch-and-entry suits---So there you go.

Yay Space!


UPDATE:
1:02 NASA hauls the astronauts from the staging area to the launch pad in an Airstream trailer. Science!

1:24 The astronauts are getting strapped in. None of them look drunk to me.

1:37 Barbara Morgan is on this flight. She was the back up teacher slated for the Challenger flight. After NASA stopped the Teachers in Space program she went back to teaching. In 1998 she joined NASA and began training to be a bonafide astronuat.

1:47 So they just have to sit there inverted for the next ~3 hours. What do they do if they have to pee? Seriously, i wonder about that...

3:00 The door wont shut. Im no rocket scientist but I think that it doesnt work unless the door shuts.

3:30 Must have gotten some WD-40 out because the hatch is shut now...

4:12 Just in the middle of the T-9 minute hold which lasts for 45min. Can anyone explain that kind of logic to me? Check out this crazy shite though, "Today's launch window opens at 6:32:52 p.m. and closes at 6:43:46 p.m., and the preferred launch time comes in the middle of the window at 6:36:42 p.m." Can you believe how short that window is? Goddamn I say goddamn!

4:26 10min and counting.

4:33 The tower is pulling away from the shuttle...3min 30sec

4:35 The oxygen vent is pulling away...the little cap that I thought always held up the shuttle, to keep it from tipping over. Turns out I was wrong.

4:35 1min 30sec to go, my clock is off

4:36 holy crap!

4:37 One minute in and the shuttle is going 2000 miles an hour.

4:40 At 2.25 the shuttle is 40 miles high and traveling 3400 mph

4:41 The shuttles three main engines uses 1/2 ton of fuel per second. Lord...

4:41 They've hit the point of negative return where they are too high and too far to return to Kennedy. 60 miles high and traveling at 5000 mph

4:43 The shuttle flipped over...dont worry it was supposed to.

4:45 The shuttle is traveling 15,000 miles per hour with main engine cut off and external tank separation at 4:46

Stuff From the Book

I am reading Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H. Lawrence and came upon this line that I liked...

"I believe in having a good heart, a chirpy penis, a lively intelligence, and the courage to say 'shit!' in front of a lady"

A chirpy penis? I hope that doesnt indicate some kind of VD....

The Asterisk

How disgusting is Barry Bonds.

Saturday Night Bonds Tied Aaron's record with blast number 755. Sadly, no one listened to me when i suggested that every team just walk the mother fucker every time he is at bat. I am just sickened by Bonds, the stupid fans who support him and Selig for letting it get to this point. Now ESPN is reporting that Selig himself wont even make it to the next 3 giants games. You know that if it wasnt a juiced up player breaking the record Selig would be there. Of course he would. Selig didnt even celebrate when Bonds hit the tying homer.

It just makes me sick because the home run record should be unbeatable. 755 home runs is just tremendous and players should be fighting it out for second and be happy with that...(see Mark Messier who was thrilled with 1,855 points in 1,756 games second behind Gretzky's 2,856 points in 1,485 games.)

But no...instead we have to sit and watch an ungrateful, lying, cheating douchebag break the record and debate as to what the league should do about it. And for what? His legacy? Bonds has to know how people feel about him. How players feel. It is just gross to watch.

So, i guess I will say it again...walk the mother fucker.

If you would like to watch the game, see the horror live, you can catch the giants and the nationals tonight on espn2 at 10pm ET.

UPDATE
The Sports Guy agrees with me so I must be right, eh?

Q: If Bonds had hit No. 756 on the road, would the mood have been similar to when Chong Li killed that guy in the Kumite in "Bloodsport"?
--Matt G, Boston

SG: Right down to the swollen body and the oversized head. Look, I know it makes me a racist that I didn't want an ornery African-American baseball player who I believe cheated over the past nine years to break a record held by a dignified African-American baseball hero who didn't cheat, but still …. I thought it was appalling that (A) people weren't more appalled, and (B) a team going ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE like the Nationals didn't intentionally walk him every at-bat for three games just to make a point for the rest of the country. Nobody took a stand against Bonds this season -- not Bud Selig, not MLB, not the TV networks, not the opposing players or managers, nobody. Not one person stepped up. Everyone was secretly excited to see it happen. And by the way, I include myself because I probably watched 95 percent of Bonds' at-bats live the past three weeks. Now I feel dirty.

Good Music

I have been listening to the new Kings of Leon album, Because of the Times.

It is really quite good. So far my favorite song is Fans which you can listen to a snippet of here, and a YouTube live version here.

Hope you enjoy and have a super great friday.

Blech

I hate not being able to sleep...



Does anyone have some surefire ways to fall asleep? Dont give me the bottle of booze...I've done enough of that kind of sleeping. Also, i refuse to drink warm milk. Hell, these days I barely drink it at all.

Hmm...i sound like a picky patient eh?

Please help and i will mail you a special gift...

Bird P.I.

NOTE: As I am writing this the Magnum PI theme song is running through my head. No lie.

So, I wish that I could be some kind of detective so that someday I could break a case wide open at a dinner party and eventually shout, "The proof is in the pudding!" while I point at the pudding. And it turns out there is a bloody knife or something in the pudding which leads to one of the guests doing a spit take because they just ate a spoonful of the pudding. That last bit can only happen if it is a humorous detective show.

Oh. My. God.

I have been sitting on four stories that I wanted to talk about and i think today is the day I finally get to them, Lucky You.

#1 Critics say 'Oh no' to Halo
It seems that the Mount Prospect Public Library in IL hosted a Halo tournament for kids and some parents/patrons were upset because of Halo's mature rating. What i thought was interesting was that the library hosted it at all. Having worked in a public library within the last year, I am well aware of how many people come to the library to do everything BUT pick up some books. Having sex in the stacks (near the TCP/IP books actually), getting high in the bathroom, printing out photos of half naked women, all fine and good but reading? You are out of your mind! 95% of the kids are checking their myspace accounts, emailing their friends sitting right next to them or trying to download Halo and play. Librarians think, if we get the kids in the building then maybe they will read which is why DPL has the newest DVD's and tons of trashy magazines. I assume this is why the Mount Prospect library hosted the tournament in the first place...but I hate to break it to them, it doesnt work.

#2 Pope Benedict admits evidence for evolution
So, I totally support the Pope on this. Can you believe that me of all foul is saying that. But this is what I am talkin about people! Why cant we have it both ways? Why do people think that science is trying to kill god? Why cant the two go hand in hand. I disagree with the articles' author when he says, "His comments appear to be an endorsement of the doctrine of intelligent design." ID is a crock of shit and is just a clever way to say evolution doesnt exist. Dont be fooled by it folks. I feel like the pope was saying, maybe god put all this science into motion, the big bang, evolution etc. I have very intelligent, hard science pals who think this is what happened. I have no issues with people who feel that way...but to just ignore the obvious kills me.

#3 Cairo toe earliest fake body bit
Neato, a fake toe! It comes with a photo too!



The toe dates from between 1069 and 664BC. That is one old toe, eh? They are going to test the functionality of it by testing it on people now who have lost their right toe. Solid...

#4 In Pictures: The Strangest Sights in Google Earth
This article has been floating around a bit but I pulled it off of Fark.com How cool those google guys are right? If you havent played around with google earth you should. Q has a neato story about it...and perhaps he will share it with you. Anyway, just a neato set of photos that just goes to show ya, you never know who's watching.

Hope your monday is just peachy.

~B

Quote of the Day

"I'm Surrounded By Fucking Idiots"
~~~~As seen on a bumpersticker I use for a book mark
because I cant decide where to put it yet.

The Pit

Each year I volunteer at the Colorado Aids Walk as some sort of route monitor or crowd control. You know how rowdy those do-gooders can be.

This year, Q and I thought it would be fun to organize a team, and we did just that. We are hoping to get 25 plus people to join and walk and raise $1000 bucks.

I wanted to invite all you blog readers to join The Pit!



Here is the link to the team page where you can donate or sign up.

It would be wonderful to raise a boatload of money for a good cause. Please feel free to contact me with any questions you may have and pass this on to whomever would be interested.

Thanks so Much!!

~B

Ink

Solid

Moon Walk

So sad...not a post about Michael Jackson at all...




Rather...this moon walk




This is the 38th aniversary of Apollo 11's moon walk

Check out the story and video here

Slighted

Um, Are you serious? I was left off the "Geniuses Who Will Change Your Life" list on cnn.com

What the hell?

Still though, this is a great article that will make you feel dumb and mostly useless...

~B

IAT Tests

I am currently reading Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. I highly recommend it and am only 96 pages in.



In it, he talks about IAT, or Implicit Association Tests. Here is a link to Harvard IAT tests. I took the race, weight, and presidential tests. Turns out my subconscious doesnt hate the prez as much as it may appear. Also, i dont like fat people* or black people*.

Wow, your mind gets blown every day eh?

Astounding...
B

*This is completely untrue but you need to take the test and/or read Gladwell's book to find out why. Honestly, know that I have no ill will in writing that...

Reasons That I Hate

Some people wonder why I am so filled with hate. Sometimes i have a hard time coming up with a reason myself...

...And then I read that "the parents of a 16-year-old girl who recently married a 40-year-old former high school coach have filed a lawsuit against the Brunswick County Board of Education, saying school officials failed to protect their daughter."

I read this story when it first broke on CNN. Mostly thinking, "gross-I could never have married any of my high school teachers." At the time it was reported that the school district investigated and couldnt find any proof of a romantic relationship even though the girl and the teacher were calling each other etc. Now, I agree with the parents that maybe the school district didnt do quite enough (as for suing? I dont know...i think we sue enough if in this country) However...the interesting bit comes at the end of the article...

"The Hagers have said they reluctantly signed a consent form allowing their daughter to marry her coach."

Um....what? You are mad because the school district didnt do enough but you are okay with your daughter most likely marrying a child molester? You think that it is wrong for a girl to mess around with her coach-unless they are married? You think your 16 year old daughter is honestly mature enough to decide that she is in love with her fat balding middle aged track coach? (I dont know that he is fat and balding but most of my high school coaches were so I am just assuming...)

Fuck, I got married at 23 and wasnt mature enough...

Do you think they want the $20,000 they are seeking for their daughter or for really great NASCAR tickets?

Hey Dennis and Betty Hager of Oak Island, NC....you make me sick.

~Tweet tweet~
B


PS i updated my other stink blog fyi

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

Remember that game on Sesame Street where they would have 4 squares with objects or people and all but one would be related somehow? Good, lets play a round why dont we...














One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?

***
If you guessed that guy dressed like a pirate you would be correct. The Colorado Ren Fest website states that it is like a "rollicking 16th Century festival day" so what the hell is a 18th century pirate from that goddamn movie doing here? Seriously you leather mugs; just because you like to dress up and now pirates are "cool" you think, I can wear this get-up anywhere! Well, you cant so knock it off because it is driving me crazy.



On another note~ here is a wonderful little item from McSweeneys

Feelings.
When women ask you to share your feelings, I found out that they really just want to hear about love. They don't give a damn if you're feeling "patriotic and hungry."
By Dan Liebert


Happy Monday
~B

'O America

Today is America's 231st birthday. You're over the hill America. Time to invest in some adult diapers perhaps.

Some people, joking and not, have suggested that I dont really like America but that is not true. Just to prove it here's a little blog about all the wonderful things America is and has to offer.

The Declaration of Independence

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."

Have you ever read this thing? Simply amazing that people can think and write like that.

Grand Canyon and the like

America is huge and because of that we have 1.2 crap loads of beautiful places to visit.

Fireworks

Sure, no one in america invented them but seriously, do you know a country that feels it has the right to shoot off these things in the middle of a super dry summer, in violation of all kinds of laws? As if the second amendment has a fireworks provision as well. "Sir you can have this Roman Candle when you pry it from my cold dead hands!"




Voting

It is easy to Vote in this country. So easy i get annoyed at people who choose not to. It is one chance every couple of years to tell those in charge what you think. Even if you vote for a loser or a law that doesnt pass, you stood up for something and that is to be commended.


Etc Etc Etc

So here's to you America....thanks for the ability to go to school, the idea that we can grow up and be whomever we choose to be, and for this...



...yikes




~B

P.S. spangled

'O Canada

Happy Canada Day to our brethren up north.

To celebrate I thought it would be nice to discuss all things Canadian; excited? I thought you would be.

Lets start with the national anthem.

O Canada is one of the best national anthems ever. The link above will take you to an mp3 as well as the lyrics where you will find that the line is not, "We stand on god for thee" but in fact, the more sensible "We stand on guard for thee." Sensible Canadians. This could be unpatriotic but I like their theme song better then our theme song. It isnt that I hate America but we have too much going on in the Star Spangled Banner...and seriously, who uses the word spangled anymore? I promise to fit it in as many times as I can for the America Appreciation this coming Wednesday...

Now...because i am lazy, lets move right along to hockey, Canada's national pastime.

Free Agency opened yesterday and already there have been some big moves. Most notable, the Rangers are going to be good next year. They managed to lure Drury away from Buffalo and Gomez (who I find particularly vexing) from the Devils. The Red Wings lost Mathieu Schneider to the defending champ Ducks. It surprises me that Detroit didnt try and lock up a guy like that. He is getting older (17 or so years in the league) but his numbers still look good. Kariya proved that he doesnt really care about winning a cup by signing a deal with the St. Louis Blues. However, most importantly for Av fans is the signing of Ryan Smyth from the Islanders and Scott Hannan of the Sharks. Smyth is a gritty left winger who plays with some toughness in front of the net. He's a leader and since we signed him to a five year deal I would imagine that he will play that role when Joe Sakic retires after this coming season. Next June you will remember this blog... Hannan is a stay at home defensemen who doesnt score alot but plays tough. At 28, he is a young Adam Foote, someone we have sorely missed.

To follow the rest of the off-season moves check the ESPN Free Agent Tracker.

And now...because of the sandy vag here is a photo...





I'm Out

WTF?!

This morning I got up at the crack of dawnish to come to work. While in the bathroom I looked up and saw an earwig.



OH god...blech...hhhaannnnbbbeeethhhh yuck! I hate these little suckers so much. Once, i was sitting on the floor watching tv and the ex came up and said, "i dont want to freak you out but you have an earwig..." before the final words were out of his mouth i was leaping and freaking out, tearing off my shirt to get away from the vile thing. Blech indeed.

So of course i get out some tp to squish the hell out of it and guess what...its blood was tropical blue. Like the water in an outhouse blue...Like a fruity drink blue.



Isnt alien blood blue? good lord....

Music

No matter how crappy I am feeling I can always put on some music and force myself into feeling happy.

My current favorite happy song is Fight Test by The Flaming Lips.

You can read the lyrics here and listen to it (if this is your first time) here.

Sigh....arent you feeling better already?

Mine is Better Then Your's

After working 12 hours the other day, I return home to find warm homemade lasagna waiting for me. Yummers...



******

Not only was he enthusiastic about wandering out into the night to watch the space shuttle and ISS zip by, he suggested a great place to watch it and spotted it just in time...



******

He's actually excited about visiting all the goofy places I want to visit...




Lucky...

Things You Cant Afford

Apple's new iPhone

I really like these little buggers but experienced some serious sticker shock at the price. $400 for a 4 gig and $600 for an 8 gig. Seriously, at that price the damn thing better vibrate and come with a "I'm Making You Breakfast" button.



~~~
Tickets to the Yankees Games at Coors Field.

Please note here that the cheapest ticket is 25 dollars. Just one week later, if you wanna see the Mets, the tickets seem much more affordable.

The Sports Guys have been talking about this issue quite a bit. Charlie Monfort and the rockies administration have set up a tiered pricing system where "Premium" games cost more. How can the team know which games are important before the season starts, you may ask. Oh silly, the games listed as premium arent "must see's" because the team could get into the playoffs...no, they are games that will sell out so why not jack up the price and make a lot of money?

I hate shit like this. Shouldnt you keep the prices the same to reward the city for dealing with crappy baseball since the 1995 Wild Card Season? Does anybody think that the increased revenue will actually go back into the team? Yeah, I didnt think so.

That's What She Said...

I had a rather lazy weekend, which is needed every once and a while. Today I woke up and things seemed to be fine until i got to work. My whole day was shot to hell right away. Ah, well, what can you do eh? Monday's are mondays....

******
Just recently i was talking to some people about those bruises you get under your nails when you smash em. I have never had any on my fingers or toes, though i always kind of wanted one...just to look cool ya know? Anyway, today i got my wish. I think I should have wished for a pony instead. Or, no wait...damn! I should have wished for more wishes!

******
Sometime on Saturday Q and i were chatting and he made a remark to which I replied, "I don't think in 3D" What kind of insane shit is that? I mean, fuck--even dogs think in 3d. I am sure it made sense in my head at the time, but that isnt saying much for me now is it?

******
Here is an interesting, if not geeky, story about Scientists grinding spheres that will serve as the new global standard kilogram. It seems the current standard is a bar of platinum that is slowly deteriorating. I am interested in the idea that, weights and measurments have to be preserved so that what weighs 20 pounds now will still weigh that much in 50 years. That measurments 100 years ago are the same as today. Who thinks about preserving this stuff? I would imagine that most of us just take that kind of foresight for granted.

Also, the global standard kilogram has a great name...the International Prototype..I wanna take a photo of it.

******
Happy Fathers day to you fathers and fathers to be (I'm lookin at you "Chuck Norris Doesnt Sleep, He Waits")

Actually, speaking of pregnancy, has the whole world gone gay! No wait, wrong line...has the whole world gone preggo?! Big congrats to my pal Hofer who's wife is expecting a little Dieter in July.

******
Hope your monday gets better, or continues to be grand-

~B

In Recent News....

...things are not always what they appear to be.

Tada!

Let's Get Serious For a Minute

I know you are all very busy talking about Die Hard, naked men, Mocha Frappuccinos (i dont know what that is really), and maneuvers but we have a serious issue that needs to be discussed...

Mr. Wizard is Dead!!



I know, many of you may be thinking,"I didnt even know he was still alive" and I felt the same way but then I started to remember all the wonderful hours I would spend thinking, "Why cant i be a Mr. Wizard kid?" "How come my fake volcano looks like shit?" "I wish Mr. Wizard was my dad so my science fair projects would actually work."

He made learning fun and other cliches...

First 3-2-1 Contact and now this...what is happening to my childhood memories.

Nine Minutes to Space

I stayed late at work on friday so that I could watch Atlantis launch.



Did you get to see it?

Right now there are seven men orbiting the earth, latched on to the international space station. Two are currently preparing to leave the shuttle and hang out in space for a bit. Can you imagine that?

With all the months of prep and the worries about the foam and external tank the launch went smoothly. Nine minutes after take off the crew was in space racing to catch up with the space station.

Video of the launch and other interesting bits can be seen here.

Happy Monday all

Please, Sir, can I have some more?**

** To be said in your best bad British accent so as to annoy your English pals...

Has anyone else noticed that Oatmeal is a little depressing? Dont get me wrong, I enjoy it, much more then I did when it was forced upon me as a child. But there is just something very gruel-esque about the whole thing.



Geez Wilford, relax, I am eating it already...

I Got Me Some Books Smarts

Did you guys know that a pineapple doesnt grow on a tree but rather in a large pokey looking bush? Here, let me show you.



See? What the hell. Am i the only dope who thought they grew on trees?

Do you guys think they are related to the artichoke?



***********

With game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals tonight, what better way to get you in mood then this fantastical goal from Ovechkin earlier in the year.

Editors note: for some reason blogger and you tube are being bastards so there is no posting on the blog rather you must click the word...

************

Also hockey related is this excellent blog from the folks over at "And Here Come the Pretzels!"

There are countless number of sports bloggers out there. Honestly, it is astounding. To read some you can check out Orange Bucksnorts and see a list of quality sites on the right.

*************

I suppose it is about time to get back to work. Happy wed-nes-day

Damn You Oprah

Oprah, because she is so cutting edge, has selected some interesting novels for her book club. No wait, I am sorry. She has selected some of the most obvious choices because she is too busy at another O magazine photo shoot.

Her last three books have consisted of 2 Pulitzer Prize winners and one penned by a cat who won the Nobel Peace Prize; i guess that is a sure fire way to make sure you dont pick a stinker. But come on....there are so many great books out there. Why not take a chance on the book i am currently reading, The Finer Points of Sausage Dogs.

My Head Hurts

I have had a headache for three days. It is becoming a bit of a problem. I checked out my symptoms on webmd.com. Much to the commanders chagrin, it is like having your very own doctor at home (or in my case, at work). Ahh, self diagnosis.

Anyway, I guess you could classify these as migraines. What a bummer. Hopefully today will be the last of them. They are really eating into my personal time you know?

By the by, the cartoon above was snagged from The Argyle Academy, a super fantasticly fun website with neato stuff for you to buy.

It's Friday....

I'm feeling Cautiously Annoyed

"Politics is the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them." --Paul Valery

Yesterday I had a breakdown. Right there on the couch in the middle of the Colbert Report. Now, dont get me wrong, I think that Stephen Colbert is exceedingly funny. In fact, I enjoy his show more then the Daily Show. However, while watching I got disgusted at all things political.

I am so tired of this rift between the country. Republicans on one side and Democrats on the other. Conservatives vs. Liberals. I hate that all we do, on every fucking channel and in every news article, is try and come up with a clever way to skewer the other side. Every presidential candidate, on both sides, spends so much time making fun of the other party. Ripping on the current administration, bitching about the media being propaganda for the other side.

I should put it out there, right up front, that I have been one of these people that I now so despise. Perhaps I havent spit republican curses as vehemently as others, but i have still participated. I would like to think I am a little wiser (no snickering from the peanut gallery) and a little more mature...maybe I have just spent a little time around people I thought I knew. Turns out, things are much more complex...

With that being said...how can we get anything accomplished with all this complaining and cursing. No one in congress is interested in getting anything done, they just want to prevent the "other side" from getting their items passed. All the presidental candidates spend hours each day telling the media jokes about john edwards' hair dresser and bush's lack of intelligence. I dont give a fuck how you voted for the war in iraq...what i care about is how you are going to deal with it in 18 months. I care about what the government is going to do about health care, abortion, social security, security abroad and at home, the environment. I want to hear about plans for the future.

"A politician thinks of the next election - a statesman of the next generation."
- James Freeman Clarke

I want a statesman.

I want to be able to discuss issues without having to defend my party. I want to be able to talk about current events with a friend without them having to justify their vote eight years ago. I am tired of the news focusing on how Sen. Clinton used her private jet and asking candidates how they would deal with a terrorist plot straight out of a horrible Steven Segal movie..."Okay Gov. Romney, lets say you're at a Penguins-Kings game and you get word there is a bomb in the rink..."

What is it going to take to get this country on track? I am not asking for our leaders to play nice and get along. I am not that dumb. I just want us to focus on issues that are important to us. I want us to try and do what is in the best interest of the country and not just our party.

Is it going to take some sort of plague to wipe out half of the country? I've read The Stand so I know how that will end. What about a natural disaster to kill off some people and maybe focus the rest of us? Oh wait...I know how that will turn out too.

Look, i am not trying to defend anyone or put anyone down. I just want to know that some politician somewhere is focused on making a difference. Hell, even if i dont agree with his stance, as long as he is doing it for the right reasons, it is a step...

"Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody."
- Franklin Pierce Adams

Wouldnt it be nice to vote for someone for once?

I hate to suggest that it is just politicians who are to fault. Everyone is so angry with the other party. The media folks, the guy sitting next to you at the bar, your mother. Everyone is just filled with this rage..anger can be a great thing but we have all seemed to focus it on people rather then on action for a better world.

*******

Holy Crap

So, I am still in the midst of Collapse, By Jared Diamond. I am on page 365 and honestly, it feels like it has taken a year to get this far. The book isnt bad but could use some serious editing. There are nuggets of information that blow me away still, which is why I am determined to finish it. This one made me blurt out, "Holy Crap!":

"For instance, between 1972 and 1997 there were flow stoppages on the lower Yellow River (China's second largest river) in 20 out of the 25 years, and the number of days without any flow increased from 10 days in 1988 to the astonishing total of 230 days in 1997."

230 days?? That is insane. Can you even imagine that?

I am beginning to think we are all screwed....

Cherries Jubilee

I woke up in a bit of a grumpy mood. Not for any real reason but there it is nonetheless. I decided that I will not take off my hooded sweatshirt even if it is unprofessional. What a rebel eh?

Someone brought in cherries today. Every time I eat one i can hear my mother yelling, "You're gonna get the runs!" It sounds strange but there is a back story to it, i promise. When I was in kindergarten i was living in the Edge. We had a barn shaped house and six huge cherry trees in the front yard. I really liked the trees and ever summer someone would pick the fruit. Sometimes i would climb up and eat cherry after cherry, leading to my mother's warning about diarrhea-usually shouted at me across the yard.

I loved that house and that yard and those cherry trees. I did hate that when the fruit would drop it would rot on the ground making it just miserable to walk outside with no shoes on. Nothing it worse then walking barefoot and stepping in something squishy--unless what you stepped in wasnt a cherry but was, in fact, dog crap. I didnt have to worry about that because we didnt have a dog. Actually we did have a dog for a very short while...graham cracker. But he or she (i dont remember now) ran away--i think. Not that walking barefoot was safe you know? I mean...once i stepped on a bee. That sucked.

***

Quickly, i had a nice birthday and want to thank everyone for making it so. I am lucky to have such great friends, except for Mr. Squishy who was rude all night long but i still keep him around because he is a lesbian in a man's body.

An especially ginormous thanks to Q who has proved, again, to be the best boyfriend ever by listening to things that i say.

***

I briefly want to mention something that is beginning to drive me bonkers. "The Hills at Piney Creek" "The Shops at Southlands" etc etc. I am sure I am not the only person to have noticed this trend. I think it could possibly be the lamest bit of marketecture (thanks Q) that i have ever heard. The worst yet was a sign on a bath improvement store on Kalamath and 6th called "The Baths at Denver" or some other such nonsense. Blech....

***

Keep your chin up everyone, friday (and a long weekend) are just around the corner.

How Are You Bird?

Why, I am cautiously optimistic.





And yourself?

***************

I had a nice weekend but am very sleepy. The exciting tales about how I almost fell off the bridge at the royal gorge and how I got sand in my pants will have to wait til tomorrow.

Tweet tweet

B

Get Bent

Here is what is driving me crazy today:

"Are working moms to blame for chubby kids?" Seriously? Are working dads to blame for chubby kids? Nope, just working moms because everyone knows that my vagina allows me to cook healthy meals! Wow, how powerful my vagina is! Who knew?!

"If you're a female singer, you'd better be sexy." Women have to be sexy to get a recording contract and last night Q and I saw Rufus Wainwright wearing lederhosen on Letterman. That just seems like a raw fucking deal right?

"Gorilla injures two in zoo escape." Fucking gorillas...

*********

Last night i was crusing through the cable channels at warp speed when I caught the beginning of Jack Van Impe. This guy is truly insane. I saw him the first time in college and every week he tells you about how any moment jesus is coming back. He bolsters his proof of christs' immanent return with news articles that his wife digs up. Her name is Rexella. She sounds like a Japanese monster and she talks like a squeaky mouse. Just recently it seems that Rexella bought her self...um, i mean, earned herself a PhD. Nice eh? I hope someday to get my doctorate in prophetical studies or some other nonsense.

*********

Tomorrow is the beginning of Q and my Mystery Weekend. I know where we are going, do you? Wanna guess? I'll give a special prize if you guess right!

*********

The most important holiday of all is approaching. Yes, more important then easter or xmas or even your birthday...that's right, MY birthday. Have you already made your checks out to my favorite charity, Nelnet Student Loans? Come on people, it's for charity!

******************

Okay, it is friday so enjoy the nice weather and the weekend!

~B

Why You Makin' That Funny Face Bird?

It tastes like something crawled up and died in my mouth. I believe the culprit is the Apex Mixed Berry Bar that i snagged from the cupboard while leaving the house this morning. Mixed Berry is a bit of a misnomer as the only "berry" is raspberry flavored fruit pieces. I suppose you can call it mixed berry if you mix raspberry juice and elderberry juice with cranberries. Berry is a word that starts to look insane if you read it over and over again.

Needless to say, i didnt finish the nutritious and not so delicious energy bar. I think the engery comes from sprinting to the trash can to spit the vile thing out.

And Again...

Remember that scene in Star Wars, the second one, where they are leaving the planet Hoth and Leia had to go on the ship with Han and then the hyperspace thing wasnt working so after they were out of danger she was working on it. There was a part where she was welding something then she is monkeying around with it. Trying to get it to close and it wont and you are watching her thinking, "that thing wasnt meant to close obviously. Why is she having such a hard time with it? How in gods name did she hurt herself just trying to turn it?" That was me today with the stupid fucking stapler. I even hurt myself...though there was no Han to call me uptight and lay one on me.

As an aside...while double checking the spelling of Leia's name I came across this website. Seriously, that is someone who maybe has too much interest in Star Wars. Does it surprise you that this is the webmaster?



I didnt think so...


Which reminds me of the Conan thing where Triumph interviews the people waiting outside for the opening of the star wars movie. Holy Crap how I laughed and laughed. Here is a link to the video...


Hope you enjoy and have a great day my pretties...

B

For Q

Poop McGee

I saw a story on the CNN website about a student who posted a photo of herself on myspace with the caption "Drunken Pirate." It seems that her professors saw it and decided not to issue her teachers license.

Now...first of all, I am all about being professional. I mean, here i am at work blogging so-obviously i am a kick ass worker right? I can support the idea of holding people to higher standards but this seems to be a bit over the top to me. Or maybe what bothers me is that we are so tough on teachers-to-be but not so tough on governmental officials or priests or someone who has some actual power.


*****

After some tasty ice cream with the texas rangers (the whole team) last night Q and i went to see spiderman 3. Ready for some spoilers??!! Spider Man has a twin!! No wait, that isnt a spoiler...that's just a lie. Here is my quick review of the movie, in conversation form.

Bird: What?
Q: I dont know?
B: Seriously, what the hell is going on.
Q: Shhhh

Yes so, take what you will from that.

The best part of the whole night was that some guy behind us was taping the film and a guy on the end of the row looked like he wet his pants.

*******

I chose Stormello in the Kentucky Derby, moments before it ran. I looked at the names and picked the one I liked. Stormello came in 19th. Lamello is more like it. I just came up with that joke....and it shows.

*******

Mothers' Day is this weeked (your welcome) and the little tiny store near my house has the giant mothers day cards. Do you think that I could mail one of those?



Okay, play time is over folks. I must get back to it.

Tweet~

Random Notes

I feel compelled to write today which I think will end badly for me. I am grouchy and crabby and annoyed which can only lead to poor writing and a general feeling of hatred for all man kind.

Today is May 1st.
See up at the top where it says May 1st? Yep. I can hardly believe that (SHAMELESS REQUEST FOR GIFTS) my birthday is only 21 days away, and counting! Time just shoots right on past us whether we want it to or not.

Happy May Day whether you be a communist or a pagan hippie.


Tons-of-Fun Count
I am avoiding TOF like the plague...or the plaque which is how i initially typed it. ("I am not an Indian Chief, Chief of Police, or a chef...I'm dumb")
I was going to have munpe q set me up with a counter so i could tally how many days have gone by with out speaking to her. Sadly, as i was typing this bit she asked me for something and I had to help her...although you will be happy to hear that I was unfriendly and curt. That says curt you pervs.

Jared Diamond
It seems to me that Mr. Diamond doesnt like archaeologists or anthropologists very much. I am currently reading Collapse and am enjoying it...however (beware of the ides of march and however's) he often says things like "I dont like archaeologists or anthropologists" No wait..that is just a lie. He says things like, "...many or most european and american anthropologists...are horrified at the thought of it (cannibalism) being practiced by peoples that they admire and study..." Seriously Jared, there are a lot of arch's out there with white mans guilt (as I call it) but lots of us understand that native americans are just people, like everyone else. In fact, i myself wrote a paper supporting cannibalism in 1998. Suprisingly enough, both Diamond and myself refer to the same site in Colorado, Cowboy Wash. Still, it is an interesting book and I would recommend it to others...just know that all archaeologists arnt such homers.



I am going to get back to work...because I just read an article where someone quoted David Halberstam, "Being a professional is doing your job on the days you don't feel like doing it."

Damn you Halberstam...

Tonight...You

Query

Hey Bird, What's Buggin You?


Two Posibilities....




Bugs





Or You


************

There are a number of ways you can locate my blog. Googling "Farmington is Horrible" is one way...

These days are ours, Happy and Free (Those Happy Days)

I am feeling especially exurberant today. Everything and everyone that is important to me seems to be making me happy today, whether they are trying to or not. Often I take this as an omen of bad things to come...life's nasty little game of building you up only to tear you down. However, today I am choosing to just live in the moment and enjoy things as they come along.

*********

As i was googling the lyrics to Happy Days i realized that there is no consensus on many of the lines. One thing there is a consensus on...the Fonz was rad. Also, google is a cinch to install! (ahh...that joke never gets old)

******

I was able to yell Marty McSorley three times at lunch today.







Alright...I hope you all are having a wonderful hump day.

B

Well, Slap My Ass and Call Me Sally

I read a story on the local NBC website that made me shoot coffee out my nose (not recommended by the way).

First a quick peek into my geekiness...
I love many things political. Debates, voting, and i must admit city council meetings. Q and I have attended at least one meeting for the city we live in...sadly only one. But in our defense....we are lazy. No wait, the meetings are at an inconvenient time and we are lazy.

When we are sitting on our couch not going to council meetings we often watch the Aurora City Council on Television (SLACKER GEEK!). I believe that their chambers (or whatever the hell they are called) were designed by the guy who did the fireplace in Citizen Kane.




Seems a bit much to me but what do I know. They have a huge auditorium and you can tell that there is nobody in attendence. Kind of sad. However, they deal with some great stuff. People contantly underestimate what is going on in their town...or maybe they just dont care.

So, this article is about Aurora City Councilwoeman Molly Markert, which sounds like a weather girl's name right? Anyway, I have seen her on the "show" before. She never really impressed me but, honestly, very few did. I guess that on Tuesday she announced her bid for re-election...just one week after slaping or pushing a Smoky Hill School Official out of the way and saying "Do you know who I am?"

I suppose he does now and my guess is that she has lost at least one vote.


Bestest Friday to you All

~~b