How Are You Bird?

Why, I am cautiously optimistic.





And yourself?

***************

I had a nice weekend but am very sleepy. The exciting tales about how I almost fell off the bridge at the royal gorge and how I got sand in my pants will have to wait til tomorrow.

Tweet tweet

B

Get Bent

Here is what is driving me crazy today:

"Are working moms to blame for chubby kids?" Seriously? Are working dads to blame for chubby kids? Nope, just working moms because everyone knows that my vagina allows me to cook healthy meals! Wow, how powerful my vagina is! Who knew?!

"If you're a female singer, you'd better be sexy." Women have to be sexy to get a recording contract and last night Q and I saw Rufus Wainwright wearing lederhosen on Letterman. That just seems like a raw fucking deal right?

"Gorilla injures two in zoo escape." Fucking gorillas...

*********

Last night i was crusing through the cable channels at warp speed when I caught the beginning of Jack Van Impe. This guy is truly insane. I saw him the first time in college and every week he tells you about how any moment jesus is coming back. He bolsters his proof of christs' immanent return with news articles that his wife digs up. Her name is Rexella. She sounds like a Japanese monster and she talks like a squeaky mouse. Just recently it seems that Rexella bought her self...um, i mean, earned herself a PhD. Nice eh? I hope someday to get my doctorate in prophetical studies or some other nonsense.

*********

Tomorrow is the beginning of Q and my Mystery Weekend. I know where we are going, do you? Wanna guess? I'll give a special prize if you guess right!

*********

The most important holiday of all is approaching. Yes, more important then easter or xmas or even your birthday...that's right, MY birthday. Have you already made your checks out to my favorite charity, Nelnet Student Loans? Come on people, it's for charity!

******************

Okay, it is friday so enjoy the nice weather and the weekend!

~B

Why You Makin' That Funny Face Bird?

It tastes like something crawled up and died in my mouth. I believe the culprit is the Apex Mixed Berry Bar that i snagged from the cupboard while leaving the house this morning. Mixed Berry is a bit of a misnomer as the only "berry" is raspberry flavored fruit pieces. I suppose you can call it mixed berry if you mix raspberry juice and elderberry juice with cranberries. Berry is a word that starts to look insane if you read it over and over again.

Needless to say, i didnt finish the nutritious and not so delicious energy bar. I think the engery comes from sprinting to the trash can to spit the vile thing out.

And Again...

Remember that scene in Star Wars, the second one, where they are leaving the planet Hoth and Leia had to go on the ship with Han and then the hyperspace thing wasnt working so after they were out of danger she was working on it. There was a part where she was welding something then she is monkeying around with it. Trying to get it to close and it wont and you are watching her thinking, "that thing wasnt meant to close obviously. Why is she having such a hard time with it? How in gods name did she hurt herself just trying to turn it?" That was me today with the stupid fucking stapler. I even hurt myself...though there was no Han to call me uptight and lay one on me.

As an aside...while double checking the spelling of Leia's name I came across this website. Seriously, that is someone who maybe has too much interest in Star Wars. Does it surprise you that this is the webmaster?



I didnt think so...


Which reminds me of the Conan thing where Triumph interviews the people waiting outside for the opening of the star wars movie. Holy Crap how I laughed and laughed. Here is a link to the video...


Hope you enjoy and have a great day my pretties...

B

For Q

Poop McGee

I saw a story on the CNN website about a student who posted a photo of herself on myspace with the caption "Drunken Pirate." It seems that her professors saw it and decided not to issue her teachers license.

Now...first of all, I am all about being professional. I mean, here i am at work blogging so-obviously i am a kick ass worker right? I can support the idea of holding people to higher standards but this seems to be a bit over the top to me. Or maybe what bothers me is that we are so tough on teachers-to-be but not so tough on governmental officials or priests or someone who has some actual power.


*****

After some tasty ice cream with the texas rangers (the whole team) last night Q and i went to see spiderman 3. Ready for some spoilers??!! Spider Man has a twin!! No wait, that isnt a spoiler...that's just a lie. Here is my quick review of the movie, in conversation form.

Bird: What?
Q: I dont know?
B: Seriously, what the hell is going on.
Q: Shhhh

Yes so, take what you will from that.

The best part of the whole night was that some guy behind us was taping the film and a guy on the end of the row looked like he wet his pants.

*******

I chose Stormello in the Kentucky Derby, moments before it ran. I looked at the names and picked the one I liked. Stormello came in 19th. Lamello is more like it. I just came up with that joke....and it shows.

*******

Mothers' Day is this weeked (your welcome) and the little tiny store near my house has the giant mothers day cards. Do you think that I could mail one of those?



Okay, play time is over folks. I must get back to it.

Tweet~

Random Notes

I feel compelled to write today which I think will end badly for me. I am grouchy and crabby and annoyed which can only lead to poor writing and a general feeling of hatred for all man kind.

Today is May 1st.
See up at the top where it says May 1st? Yep. I can hardly believe that (SHAMELESS REQUEST FOR GIFTS) my birthday is only 21 days away, and counting! Time just shoots right on past us whether we want it to or not.

Happy May Day whether you be a communist or a pagan hippie.


Tons-of-Fun Count
I am avoiding TOF like the plague...or the plaque which is how i initially typed it. ("I am not an Indian Chief, Chief of Police, or a chef...I'm dumb")
I was going to have munpe q set me up with a counter so i could tally how many days have gone by with out speaking to her. Sadly, as i was typing this bit she asked me for something and I had to help her...although you will be happy to hear that I was unfriendly and curt. That says curt you pervs.

Jared Diamond
It seems to me that Mr. Diamond doesnt like archaeologists or anthropologists very much. I am currently reading Collapse and am enjoying it...however (beware of the ides of march and however's) he often says things like "I dont like archaeologists or anthropologists" No wait..that is just a lie. He says things like, "...many or most european and american anthropologists...are horrified at the thought of it (cannibalism) being practiced by peoples that they admire and study..." Seriously Jared, there are a lot of arch's out there with white mans guilt (as I call it) but lots of us understand that native americans are just people, like everyone else. In fact, i myself wrote a paper supporting cannibalism in 1998. Suprisingly enough, both Diamond and myself refer to the same site in Colorado, Cowboy Wash. Still, it is an interesting book and I would recommend it to others...just know that all archaeologists arnt such homers.



I am going to get back to work...because I just read an article where someone quoted David Halberstam, "Being a professional is doing your job on the days you don't feel like doing it."

Damn you Halberstam...

Tonight...You

Query

Hey Bird, What's Buggin You?


Two Posibilities....




Bugs





Or You


************

There are a number of ways you can locate my blog. Googling "Farmington is Horrible" is one way...

These days are ours, Happy and Free (Those Happy Days)

I am feeling especially exurberant today. Everything and everyone that is important to me seems to be making me happy today, whether they are trying to or not. Often I take this as an omen of bad things to come...life's nasty little game of building you up only to tear you down. However, today I am choosing to just live in the moment and enjoy things as they come along.

*********

As i was googling the lyrics to Happy Days i realized that there is no consensus on many of the lines. One thing there is a consensus on...the Fonz was rad. Also, google is a cinch to install! (ahh...that joke never gets old)

******

I was able to yell Marty McSorley three times at lunch today.







Alright...I hope you all are having a wonderful hump day.

B

Well, Slap My Ass and Call Me Sally

I read a story on the local NBC website that made me shoot coffee out my nose (not recommended by the way).

First a quick peek into my geekiness...
I love many things political. Debates, voting, and i must admit city council meetings. Q and I have attended at least one meeting for the city we live in...sadly only one. But in our defense....we are lazy. No wait, the meetings are at an inconvenient time and we are lazy.

When we are sitting on our couch not going to council meetings we often watch the Aurora City Council on Television (SLACKER GEEK!). I believe that their chambers (or whatever the hell they are called) were designed by the guy who did the fireplace in Citizen Kane.




Seems a bit much to me but what do I know. They have a huge auditorium and you can tell that there is nobody in attendence. Kind of sad. However, they deal with some great stuff. People contantly underestimate what is going on in their town...or maybe they just dont care.

So, this article is about Aurora City Councilwoeman Molly Markert, which sounds like a weather girl's name right? Anyway, I have seen her on the "show" before. She never really impressed me but, honestly, very few did. I guess that on Tuesday she announced her bid for re-election...just one week after slaping or pushing a Smoky Hill School Official out of the way and saying "Do you know who I am?"

I suppose he does now and my guess is that she has lost at least one vote.


Bestest Friday to you All

~~b

Two Questions

The first is rather benign; can anyone out there think of a reason that you would intentionally roll your windows down before locking it and going inside the building for work? There is some cat here at the building (a cubs fan it would seem) who drives up with his windows up, rolls them down, locks the doors (a waste of time? maybe he has one of those cobra alarm systems-which always seemed like something out of a g.i. joe cartoon), and goes inside. It could be that he doesnt want his car to get hot but, I have seen his car with the windows down in late winter and it is only supposed to be 60 degrees and windy here today. But honestly, what other reason could there be right? If i see him again I may just have to break down and speak to him.

Oh, as a quick aside, I finally saw The Pee. Yeah, pretty exciting. It is a woman but, she does have a horse face. More on that in another blog.

The second question relates to the recent tragedy in Virginia. Do you think that all this talk about what the police did or didnt do, what the mental health system did or didnt do, what university officials did or didnt do, do you think that all of this takes away from what actually happened; that 33 families have lost someone they cared about? Doesnt it seem like the bigger questions (what makes someone do something like this, how can we help these people before it happens again, etc etc) are getting lost amid the "how come you didnt know this was going to happen" kind of questions.

Everyone seems to forget that hindsight is 20/20. Of course now all the "signs" point to school shooter but in the midst of it all, it pointed to an obviously mentally ill kid. I remember reading a letter sent to the Denver Post after 9-11 asking why someone didnt predict this was going to happen. The "obvious" sign for them, September 11th, 9-11 911....duh! (by the way...i stoped reading the letters to the editor after that)

My point is, after a tragedy it is really easy to point out all the things that should have been done. Life isnt that nice though, you work with what you have and hope that it turns out for the best. I hope that soon we can stop going over and over the what-if's, the if-only's, and focus on the how-it-is.

Killers Among Us

I was going to post about this lame ass couple from Colorado that annoyed me this week. (Please note that I deleted the girlscout cookie photo after girl and geek replaced it with a photo of someones cock--to teach me a lesson about stealing what must have been 58MB of bandwidth from them--though they werent brave enough to sign their names...)

The killings in Virginia put a bit of a damper on that though. Instead I have only good thoughts for folks at Virginia Tech. Everyone be safe and tomorrow I will share a story about the shootings that happened at UNC while I attended.



Sleepy sleepy bird

Feeling Better

Today i woke up with a raging headache and see what that lead to?

I guess somedays I can control the rage inside and somedays I cant.

What could be making me feel breathless today you ask?

Here's a list of posibilities

* Sweet Potato

* Squash

* Carrot

* Taro

* Green Bean

* Non-hydrogenated Canola Oil

* Dextrin

* Sea Salt

* The fact that this food item was made in Vietnam and is most likely tainted with Agent Orange

Rage 2.0

I woke up in a foul mood. My head hurt and i was just hating the world. These kinda days usually go one of two ways. Sometimes i push for "happy" and listen to music and think about all the wonderful things in the world. Other times I go for "raging bitch" and this is what you get...

Two Minutes Hate
I read a headline yesterday that said, "Oil Exec. Takes Home 400m in 2006" Today i see more headlines about the price of gas rising for the 10th straight week, and how gas will top out 11 whole cents cheaper then last year. These stories make me so fucking angry. There is a person making $400,000,000.00 a year. A year people...and we are paying 3 bucks for gas. I refuse to believe that his salary and the rising gas prices are somehow not connected. I am so fucking sick of stories about how we need to drill in Alaska because the cost of gas will go down. About how much crude oil costs and that is why gas is expensive. Fuck you! Our own countrymen are ass-raping us so they can have the really really nice jet and what can we do about it. Not a goddamned thing. Nothing. All you can do, honestly, are things for yourself. You can buy a car that uses less gas, prius or hell even a Honda. You can take public transportation and carpool. You can adjust your driving so that you are more efficient. You can do research on sites like GasBuddy.com for cheap gas. But if you think that calling your congressman, or signing a fucking petition is going to do anything then you are out of your mind.

******
Sexism and Racism in the news after Imus' stupid comments on his radio show. Lots of people are hoping that this will give us all an opertunity to discuss race and gender issues in the open. Please...while i would love to have an open and frank conversation about race and sex in this country, it just wont ever happen. I just finished a book that I would highly recomend, "The Mismeasure of Man". In it, Stephen Jay Gould takes on the idea of biological determinism. Excellent book that kind of left me feeling less certain about race relations in the modern world. Honestly, any minority doesnt stand a chance trying to change decades upon decades of racisim and sexism. These ideas--that african americans are only good at sports and music (Wow, that Barak Obama sure does speak well, as if we expected him to throw gang signs and nod his head the whole time),that women are not as smart as men (oh you're a male paralegal, so you must be getting your law degree...oh you're a male nurse so you must be studying for your MCAT),that the poor deserve to be poor because they are lazy (if you are on welfare you must not be working or even trying), these ideas have been around in some fashion for centuries. Not only that, they are perpetrated by our own kind. In my case, I dont know how many women I have met that act dumb rather then challenge a guy. It all feels too big. At a moment when I feel more comfortable with the state of the world, that we are progressing, something like 9-11 happens and now there is a new group of people for us all to hate, Muslims. Hell, watch Borat at the rodeo. If you think those people are in the minority it is time to get out and see the rest of the country.

******
Every goddamn person is self-absorbed and completely unaware of everything and everyone around them. I am so fucking tired of seeing people being selfish, whether it is something as simple as driving like a d-bag or as serious as blowing off people that should be important to you.

I suppose I should retitle this post the Loathing of Humainty

Hater

I feel inspired to blog about things I hate. Dont you feel lucky this monday morning?!

1. Tons-of-Fun
She is condescending and rude to every single person here. She has fat sausage arms and cant reach around to comb the back
of her head. She has no waist (very Penguin like) so she wears her ginormous floral print skirts under her boobs. I am usually
a very friendly person (no, it's true!) but I can say that I detest this woman and hope that i dont get the boot because i said something
nasty to her.

2. Oprah
She has no training of any kind and yet, has no qualms about telling everyone on her show, in her audience, and at home, how
screwed up they all are. She picked an absolutely amazing book for her lame-o book club and then threw a hissy fit when the author
said he didnt want her book club stamp on it (a move i totally agree with since I myself refuse to read any book she has picked).
She gives away crap on her show all the time but you know it is just because she wants people to like her. She appears on the of
cover of every issue of her magazine. For christs sake, does she need more face time?

3. Mondays
Somebody's got a case of the Mondays!

4. JB's in Cars
Seriously, have you ever had to stop yourself from ramming a car in front of you. Sat there really thinking about whether or not you
could make the police officer believe that the driver you slammed into had suddenly stopped? Debated your current wage, your
insurance premiums, the amount of possible damage..."Could i swing it?"

5. Lotto Winners
Fuck that and fuck you movies...

6. The Avalanche
Honestly, is there a team that has handled the salary cap worse then "Your Colorado Avalanche!" Not making the playoffs is a
serious disgrace. But what is worse, in my opinion, is playing so well as of late. Why the hell didnt you guys have this sense of
urgency after the all-star break? Why the hell didnt you guys play tough all year? I expect some serious changes over on Chopper
Circle and if you are any kind of fan you will be hoping for the same...

************************

Okay, it is time for me to get back to work...did I mention work as one of the things I am hating right now??


~tweet

You Look Like a Monkey....

Somebody is having a birthday...who could it be.



Why, it's my big bro Sklimps. Ah yes, he turns 31 today and i had to blog and wish him the happiest of happy birthdays.

Sklimps often visits the website and now you can read his excellent sports blog here. If you like sports and general intelligent reading i believe you will enjoy it.

Lets see what can i say about the bro...

He had what, like 25 heart attacks last year. He can be angry (must run in the family). He is most likely my smartest sibling, although the Commander is pretty impressive too. He is very funny, yet, not as funny as me. He is a big softy although you probably wouldn't guess that by looking at him. He is there when I need him and that means a lot.

Much love to sklimps; may the beer flow freely and maybe you can get a little action eh?

~tweet tweet went the bird

So much to say...

What is the deal with vacations ?




They give me great ideas for blogs and yet, when i return there is a serious lack of writing going on.

Strange indeed

Cats vs Dogs

Here is a story about a dog that jumped up and down on its owners chest because the dog saw that the woman was beating her chest trying to dislodge a piece of apple. So the dog kinda performed the hindlick...i mean Heimlich on her.

A cat would wait for you to die and then eat your face.

This is Your Bird on Drugs

I think I have accidentally taken steroids. Certainly I have ingested some kind of illegal substance.

See, I have been craving fruit for months and months. Sadly, it being winter, there is a lack of good fruit at the stores. Everytime I see "fruit cup" on the menu i get excited until I remember that it is just going to be some melon and bad pineapple and grapes.

So, today as I was heading for work I remembered that there was a smoothie king nearby. I had never been before but I thought it would be nice and maybe satisfy my fruit craving, if only for a while.

I walk in and am assaulted by tubs of shake mixes and supplements. Did I accidentally walk into a GNC? Seriously, it was out of control. I would have just left but it was one of those awkward moments where you are the only person in the store and the counter guy was looking at me, waiting. I had to order something.

I browsed through the menu thinking, "no i dont want a carb supplement. Um...what the fuck is that?" I ended up getting a drink that sounded the least like the Cream and the Clear.

If i start growing chest hair and my boobs shrink I am gonna be so pissed.

12 Signs You May Be a Criminal

...According to Cesare Lombroso (19th Century Italian Physician and founder of "criminal anthropology")

 

1.   enormous jaws

 

2.   high cheek bones

 

3.   prominent superciliary arches

 

4.   solitary lines in the palms

 

5.   extreme size of the orbits

 

6.   handle-shaped ears found in criminals, savages and apes

 

7.   insensibility to pain

 

8.   extreme acute sight

 

9.   tattooing

 

10. excessive idleness

 

11. love of orgies

 

12. the irresponsible craving of evil for its own sake, the desire not only to extinguish life in the victim, but to mutilate the corpse, tear its flesh and drink its blood.

 

 

 

 

****************

I dont know about you but the last one kinda seemed like a no brainer right?

Happy Birthday Thunderpussy!!

Bathroom Stalker

The Fast Pee lady made an appearance today. I was washing my hands when she came in but I didnt look over (i hate the, "lets chat while we empty our bladders" thing. I end up sitting next to a chatterbox [get it get it?] and having a talk and then pee after they leave.) All i noticed was a blur of brown. She seemed tall. As I was struggling with the paper towels i heard it...the machine gun sound.

Damn! Why hadnt I looked at her/his face! Curse my pee-issues!

I decided that lurking around outside the bathroom and waiting for the person to emerge and then screaming "AHHHAA!!", might not be the best idea.

I have narrowed it down a bit though. The Pee doesnt work in my office and since there is only one other company on our floor I cant imagine it will be much longer until I finally figure it out. I can hardly wait.

Sleepy Bird

PS Hey Angelina, there are plenty of kids in this country that no one wants to adopt either. How about picking up one of them too?

Hypocrisy

Newt Gingrich recently admitted to having an affair while pushing for Clinton's impeachment during the Monica Lewinsky incident. While this isnt really news since it was suspected at the time, I got very angry.

There are a couple of things I just cant stand; abuse of kids and animals, Dominick Hasek, and this holier-then-thou bullshit that "christians" pull all the time.

Now, before I go any further...I have no problem with christians or any one religion. Sure, I am bitter in my own way but what you do is for you and if it helps you in whatever way more power to you. (that's a lotta you's) I have a couple of friends who are christians and i really respect them. They are more then willing to answer all my silly questions and never try and convert me. They have a relationship with god and it is theirs alone.

I can perhaps illustrate my point better with a story. In the 'edge, where I went to high school, there were 10+ churches for a town just under 2000. Like so very many of us, my parents were divorced and I lived with just one parent. I always got the pity thing from all my friends parents. Good christians who have been married for 20+ years. Oh poor Bird, she only has her father around. It must be so hard...it must be so sad...she must be so messed up. Turns out, while my parents had their issues (lots and lots of issues) my friends religious parents had even more. Alcoholism, affairs, crazy unhappiness. Of my close pals, I am the child of divorce and I am also the one who escaped high school without a child, a marriage, a drug problem (mostly), a horribly low self esteem (again, mostly). The point is...I am not a christian and I am not perfect but I am doing just fine.

However, all day long we are bombarded by those who wish to convert. The worst of all these are those political types. The republicans who run on the platform of "Family Vlaues". Guys like...oh, lets say Mark Foley. I am sure you remember the Rep from Florida who left the capitol in late September after he admitted to sending sexually explicit messages to an underage male page. Ahh, yes...Family Values. These are the people that I dislike so much. These are the people who will stand up and scream about how homosexuality is immoral and in the meantime stop off at their mistress' house for a blow job.

Guys like Ted Haggard make me sick. They preach about values and about faith and they judge others unworthy and then, you see that they have been living a lie...right in front of everyone. Yet still they judge. The New Life Church says that they support Haggard and his 12 step "pray the gay away" program (that's Q's little gem not mine fyi). The hypocrisy of it all just kills me.

That is why Gingrich's admission to Lou Dobbs (another complete douchebag who you know has some skeletons) made me so angry. The whole lewinsky situation was crazy out of control...and here is Newt, trying to take down a president while getting his knob bobbed by some collegue.

I dont mean to say that all republicans are liars or cheats. Trust me, dems are no better. I guess it is just the GOP's turn to look like a fool. I am sure that in the next several months we will get our chance.

Also, can you imagine a president named Newt?

Uncanny

Everyone here is a grouch today. It is supposed to be a day of happiness since it's friday but sadly, everyones boss is making everybody do crappy jobs that no one likes. Lemme tell ya, having gotten 5 hours of sleep last night, I could care less if you have a crappy copy job. Fucking lighten up.

Needless to say, I am struggling hard to keep my decent mood. Nothing is worse then a sleep deprived bitchy bird...

So, i read an article this moring about a sicko who tried to kidnap a little girl. I noticed that the sketch of the man looks remarkably like our former Gov. Bill Owens. See for yourself and tell me what you think...






Uncanny indeed...

Estoy Apesadumbrado

I know that i should be blogging but honestly, i dont feel like I have anything worthy of writing about.

 

I read a story about this woman in colorado springs who woke up from a vegetative state after 6 years.  She was awake for 3 days and then slipped back.  It seems that she does this over and over again, though usually she isnt awake for very long.

 

The story said she saw her 12 year old daughter and 3 grandchildren.  Can you imagine that?  I mean, on both sides.  For the family you just have to wait and see when she wakes up again and then get as much time in as possible.  For the woman, she just wakes up to a whole new world.  Living a life in leaps and bounds.

 

It sounds like a great book idea and if someone writes it I expect some sort of compensation, dig?

Lunchtime Means Blogtime

"Scientists use computer to control bird's flight"

Get the F*%^ outta my brain you damn scientists!

*******
The NHL trade deadline came and went with the Avalanche declaring to the world,
"I think I will have another beer, thanks and could i get somethi.....oh crap, the deadline! I had forgotten all about this season."

I know most of you could give two craps about the NHL at this point and I can relate a bit. I have been a big time hockey slacker this season. My fantasy team is languishing in the bottom of the league and I hardly know what is going on anymore. What i do know is that the avs re-acquired Scott Parker from San Jose. Yeah, re-read that and let it sink in. I have no idea what the Avs were thinking. I mean, none at all. I could try and write something clever but really, Lord Stanley did a better job. Check out his comments here.

*******
Speaking of Hockey...

Q let me in on a set of emails between him and his co-worker Pile; for your amusement...

----- Original Message -----
From: Pile
To: Bulldog; Munpe Q
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:39:18 2007
Subject: Tony Granato

Is eating across from me in Subway.

----- Original Message -----
From: Pile
To: Bulldog; Munpe Q
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:47:15 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato

Joel Quenville just walked in.

----- Original Message -----
From: Munpe Q
To: Pile
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:48:27 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato


Tell him to quit fucking up the Avs defense.

----- Original Message -----
From: Pile
To: Munpe Q
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:49:32 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato

I just let him cut in front of me at the soda machine.

----- Original Message -----
From: Munpe Q
To: Pile
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:50:06 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato

Check him into the lids.

----- Original Message -----
From: Pile
To: Munpe Q
Sent: Wed Feb 28 12:50:48 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato

Nice. Hip check into the chips. Film at 10.

------Original Message------
From: Munpe Q
To: Pile
Sent: Wed Feb 28, 2007 12:52:05 2007
Subject: Re: Tony Granato

Poke check him in the junk.

*****
Ahh yes....the poke check...


Enjoy that snow all you Denverites.

~B

Pee-Pee Time

There is a woman somewhere on our floor who's pee, I swear, can break the sound barrier.  Honestly, it is going Mach 1.  It is the Top Gun of pee.

 

The force at which it hits the water is truly stunning!  It comes in spurts and sounds like a machine gun....you know the sound I'm talking about.

 

I dont know who this woman is--hell, I am not even sure if it is a woman--but her pee scares me a little.

 

 

Also, one of the funniest things that I overheard Q say the other day...

"Hey-I dont want to see your baby squirrel..."

 

 

The Early Bird Gets an Udi Burrito and a Cup-a-Joe

So it hit me, right at Mississippi and 225, "The call is coming from inside the house!"

...at least, that is how it felt.

Let me go back and explain a bit--

The birdmobile was way overdue for an oil change and brake repair. I always take the car to the best mechanic in the world even though his shop is in Golden and my house is in E-470 Centennial. I mean, the guys name is Buddy...how can you go wrong.

Q was a great help, dropping the car off on wed-nes-day and taking me into work the next morning. That night we go to get the car and I have a momentary worry when I cant remember if my checkbook is in the car or not.

"Yes, I'm sure of it. 100%," I say, which should have been the sign that i was totally screwed. I get to the car and what do you know; no checkbook. "But I could have sworn..." We end up "stealing" my car and I vow to get up early and drive over before the shop opens up at 8am. A serious vow for a chica who's shovelbum co-workers call sleepyhead.

This morning the alarm goes off at 5am-but it doesnt matter because I havent been able to sleep since around 3am. Something is bothering me and i cant figure out what. I get dressed in the dark-get in the car and take off-kinda laughing at myself. Silly bird...

I actually like driving so it isnt so horrible, especially at this hour with no traffic---and that's when my brain finally puts it together. Oh...My...God

My planner---My bag---girl scout cookies

My checkbook is in my planner in my bag which was in my hand as i unlocked the car door. It was in the seat next to me as I rifled through the center console. It was brushing up against my hand as I plunged elbow deep to check the pockets in my bag.

Awwwwww fuck. "The call is coming from inside the house," was the first thing that popped outta my mouth.

What can you do but laugh at yourself right? Which brings me to my

Two Minutes Hate

Something I havent done in a long time...

What is going through the heads of those people who weave in and out of semi-congested traffic? I mean...are they just crusing along thinking, "Wheeeeee" or do they think it makes them look cool? Are they so arrogant that they dont feel the cold hand of fate reaching for them?

Sometimes I pretend that there must be some kind of emergency; family memebers dead or dying-wife giving birth in the backseat. But at 6am? Honestly are you just that excited to get to your little cube? To sit at your cramped little desk and start selling your life insurance or managing peoples portfolios? I dont get it. Is it that you have a tiny dick?

If my friend drove like that I would punch him in the face. I would bloody his nose. Yes, I am looking at you Carl, Mr. "I invented the Arnold Palmer" If you do this please visit my profile on the right, near that fetching photo and send me an email telling me what the fuck you're thinking.

Oh...Snap!

Obama: Look at you in your damn pants-suit...

Clinton: What did you just say to me?

Obama: I said you make me sick

Clinton: Oh, I'm gonna make you sick alright...

Bits and Pieces...

I am feeling strange. Weird headaches, what I can assume are hot flashes, easily annoyed by stupid co-workers. I think that part of my problem is that I am wearing shoes. See, these are the kind of days that I wear my chacos



I think that I release heat from my feet. I have serious barefoot issues (happily, no pregant and barefoot issues though!)

Anyway, i dont feel like working the last thirty minutes of my work day so I will blog instead. Arent you lucky!

I saw this company name today...Centrifuge Solutions. I was so excited because i was hoping this company had all the answers to my centrifuge needs. Turns out they are an internet phone company. Or something like that. Lame

Also, here is a photo of my favorite flower. I couldnt remember the name...turns out they are Gerberas and not, "those one kind that look like daises but have those tiny petals inside of the bigger petals"



Nice eh? Anyone know if these colors are natural or what? That orange is insane.


Here is a strange thing that my older brother is doing. Rate My Fridge. I invite you all to sign up and post a photo. I shall take photos tonight and you shall all get to see deep into my soul...deep. So very deep. I look forward to seeing your soul as well (I sounded crazy just then)

It's Time For Another Episode of America's Favorite New Gameshow...

...Tim Hardaway, Former Heat Guard, Is An Asshole!

Host: Let's welcome our guest, Tim Hardaway!



*applause*

H: Hello Tim, and Welcome to You're An Asshole!

Tim Hardaway: It's great to be here!

H: Awesome! Let's get started!

*applause*

H: Tim, for 100 points, let's say your gay...

TH: "You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known...I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States."

H: CONGRATULATIONS! You've just won...

Audience: YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!

*applause*

*Cue Cheesy Music*


~~~~~~~~~~


If it makes anyone feel any better Tim later apologized for the remarks saying, "Yes, I regret it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said I hate gay people or anything like that. That was my mistake"

Aww...who can still be mad after something so genuine as that?


~B

As An Aside...

I just got a call from Alec Baldwin.  He said my hair was pretty.

 

Damn right...

L is for the way you Laugh at me...

Is that not the right lyric? It seems to fit somehow...

Many (and that is a relative word) of you may have come here to read my rant about Valentines Day and how evil it is. However, as you can see from last years post I have gotten a bit softer, perhaps a bit wiser.

Still, dont get me wrong. I think a lot of people royally screw up the day for themselves but I suppose it doesnt have to be all bad.

So today, instead of ranting, I am going do a quick recap of headlines related to LOVE.

First...Did you guys read that article about Love on CNN.com? It wasnt a shocker or anything, wow your brain shows activity when you think romantic thoughts, surprise surprise. What I thought was interesting was that it was the exact same area that "lights up" so to speak, when you use cocaine. See...if you are lonely there is a quick fix answer! Thanks Science!

Also...a love triangle story out of Greeley--Go Bears! Really, this is like a soap. What i like best about this story so far is that she was pulled over by her husband...solid.

Finally, Hindu activists are protesting V-Day in New Delhi. It seems that, 'Valentine's Day promotes obscene cards and nudity and encourages our youngsters to be publicly affectionate in parks and other places -- this is against our ancient civilisation,' said Jai Bhagwan Goyal, head of Shiv Sena in the capital.

Hmm, maybe I could get into the whole love thing if i got some obscene cards from someone....you listening Q?



If you celebrate, may you get hundreds of tiny cut out hearts with heart doilies glued to them...

If you dont, have a happy wednesday and enjoy the cheap candy sales at the grocery store tomorrow

Yumm...

I am eating my very first girl scout cookie of the year. MMmm....really what could be better then that?


grub grub goes the bird

5 Year Old Bitch and Moan

Five years ago, on December 2nd, I was driving down a hill near a hospital. Rolling along, foot off the gas- I hit 40mph. A police officer standing at the bottom of the hill clocked me going 5 over the limit. He waves me to the side of the road.

"Here it is," I think, "the first time I have been pulled over." I am actually kind of excited because I think that maybe he will see my long driving history with no tickets and realize that i dont really deserve one. Foolish? Perhaps but it was the first time i had ever been pulled over.

He walks up to the car and doesnt ask for my license or registration. He says instead, "Here's your ticket. You were going 40 in a 35 (he shows me the radar gun readout). Sign here unless you want to go to court and protest the ticket." Dumbfounded I sign. "Here," he shoves the ticket into my hand and walks away. Back to his car ready to nail another person rolling down the hill.

That's it. He wasnt nice and i didnt even get a chance to tell him he was popping my cherry (gross). I paid 100-somethin and he took two points from my license.

Today, I got a copy of my MVR and this ticket was the only thing on it...stupid cop!

I suppose I should be happy that the last ticket i received was in New Mexico. That police officer pulled me over near roswell going 86 in a 65. Yikes. He was very nice and we chatted up archaeology a bit. He wasnt even phased by my rental car insurance. Then he dropped my ticket to 85 in a 65 saving me 100+ bucks. I kinda hoped he would let me off but...that one i deserved.

Safe driving folks!!

Tweet

Jump Back...I Wanna Kiss Myself

That's right, I'm super bad.

Three things I wanted to mention popped into my head this morning. Four actually...and now a fifth. Damn, there's a little peek into my brain right?

Anyway

In no particular order..

#1 James Brown is still not buried?! How is this possible?

#2 The Grey Poupon guy is dead! Sadness. I am predicting a rash of jokes when people realize this. The actor (who's name is not 'the grey poupon guy' but Ian Richardson) was in Brazil. What a great film that was..please do see it if you havent already. If you have, how creepy was that mask at the end??

#3 Cheese on Television

#4 I hate to sound like a bitch (wait...no i dont!) but can we not pretend that Anna Nicole Smith was anything other then a gold-digging moron? On the CNN "feedback" page someone actually said, "She always managed to be a real person." Um...are you fucking kidding me? You know a lot of doped up former playboy playmates? Did Heff send that comment in?

#5...true to form I cant remember the fifth. Oh, I remember. I finally saw the War of the Worlds. It was creepy but I was bummed at the let down of the ending. Anyway, just a bit ago the phone rings and i pick it up and I swear i hear that HHHOOOOOORRRRRRRNNNN sound that so creeped me out. Actually, it was more like buzzing and clicking but it reminded me of aliens and that reminded me of the HHHHOOORRRRNN sound and I wanted to mention it. Can anyone come up with a better way to write the sound...HHHHOOOORRRRNNNN isnt quite right.


Okay, that is it for me. Happy friday to you all

Bird

Tonia and David Parker of Lexington Mass Are Assholes

Tonia and David Parker sued after their 5-year-old son brought home a book from kindergarten that depicted a gay family.

They "...claim Lexington school officials violated their parental rights to teach their own morals to their children."

You know these are the same douchebags who also want the ten comandments posted at school and would be completely unable to see the irony behind that.

If you are so worried about your child then instead of suing the fucking school district and making an ass of yourself, why dont you be a fucking parent and spend some time with your gd child after school telling them what you believe? Oh no, you cant do that, NASCAR is on, my mistake.

"an attorney for the parents who filed the lawsuit, called the homosexual discussions and materials "a form of propaganda" that goes against the parents' religious beliefs. He said the parents do not want to dictate curriculum, but do want to be able to remove their young children from classrooms when homosexuality or gay marriage is being discussed.

'What they fear is that their children are being brainwashed,' he said."

Go fuck yourselves you worthless bags of shit...

Should this get me so angry?

And a-one and a-two...

Two bits today my blogger friends...

The first is an AP photo of Astronaut Lisa Nowak. She is the one with the coat on her head.



I can understand why some people, while leaving or entering court, cover their faces but honestly, Lisa Nowak? You are a freaking astronaut. It isnt like there's no footage of you out there. In fact, there are hours of tape where you are floating around the space station with an american flag behind you. You think covering your head now is going to somehow make you feel better? Make people forget what you look like or perhaps get them to think, "I cant see her face; it must be some other Lisa Nowak-NASA Astronaut"




Then, while browsing the interweb i read this article about Richard Leakey and the Turkana Boy.

This kind of article sets me off for a number of reasons, usually the ongoing (but lord only knows why-yuk yuk) debate of evolution v. creationism. However, today what really bothered me is that they described Richard Leakey as "one of the planet's best-known fossil hunters." Fossil hunters? Come on man. Leakey is a paleoanthropologist not just a guy just looking for old shit. This just reinforces the idea that we are all just out for some kind of treasure or adventure. Indiana Jones types...Something that this guy doesnt help with either...



Any archaeologist can tell you how boring and insufferable archaeology can be. Hardly ever do we go to places like egypt. In fact, most of our time is spent in place like this:



or this:



or this:





Needless to say, Leakey is a scientist and deserves respect...yes, just like the rest of us...

Finally!

So i found something that made me say to my self...That really pisses me off!

THIS

You pussies over at the NFL should really get over yourselves. You honestly spent money drafting a letter to a church to stop them from using the word "Super Bowl" on their handmade flyer and projecting the game for the congregation? Well, guess what boys? I am throwing a party too. I just renamed it to the "Bird-o-rama Super Bowl Spectacular Super Bowl Party Super Super Super Bowl Shindig" Everyone is invited and i am going to pull out Q's projector (yeah, that one too) and show the game on the wall at the house. Everyone should come by...game starts at 4ish but I plan to start drinking at well, lets be honest, 8am.

This part really killed me, "The network economics are based on television ratings and at-home viewing. Out-of-home viewing is not measured by Nielsen." You dirty little bastards are really worried about low Nielsen numbers? Please read this article talking about last years ratings number. Yeah, 90.7 million people watched it last year and the game was a total drag. Fuck you NFL if that number drops to 89.2 million because some god fearing football fans want to watch the game with their families and churchy friends. Shame on you...

Ahh....that felt good.

Feelings...nothing more then feelings

A couple quick thoughts...

**Old people are always inviting you to Thanksgiving. Ask Q about it...

**I feel strange. Kind of like a loser...kind of happy...kind of unhappy...dont really know what that is all about.

**I think the reason I want to is because you don't want to. I know that makes no sense but i guess it is part of wanting what you cant have. See...i really think i dont want to either which is why my behavior is so strange.



I assume that someday I will have something to say

tweet tweet went the bird

What is wrong with you people?

SHF is so wonderful and you bastards can use it and no one will sell your name to some junk mail guy and finally i can hear all that you long to say in nice little snippets. For christs sake....will ya just register? I am looking at you peeps and sklimps and newbie...you folks who comment on the old blog-o-rama. Do me a favor and post somethin will ya?

submitted from success has failed

...And stop making fun of the Capybara!

Here we sit..waiting for the snow to stop. I know what you are thinking, "Weren't you doing that last weekend Bird?" Why yes, yes I was. Hey Sklimps, what's that snow record we are about to break??

So, while Non and Q play chess and we watch the Bears stick it to the Saints I started browsing the interweb for fun stories that arent about how streets in Denver still havent been plowed (do people in Fairbanks complain about this?).

While reading I was reminded of why i like those crazy South American countries.

Chavez to U.S.: "Go To hell, gringos!"

This is hi-larious. i mean, sure Chavez is a maniac, but how cool is it that he just called us all gringos?! Can you even imagine the fire storm that would occur if our president did something like that? I mean, he cant even call a reporter a major league asshole (even though we all know reporters are the biggest bags of shit ever, whether they are working for the evil liberal media or the evil conservative media...) without people freaking out.

Ah, i hope chavez is around for a bit so he can say more crazy things...Does that make me a bad person?

Animals are Gross

Happy MLK day everyone (yes yes I know, yesterday.) I celebrated by eating a philly cheesesteak sandwich with Q, going to the zoo for free and getting some tires rotated.

"Zoo for free?" you say, "How is that possible?" I will tell you my pretties...

Colorado Free Day of course.

It was a balmy 19 degrees out and hardly anyone was there. I kinda like and kinda hate the zoo. Q and i were discussing it last night and i think that because we have to pay for it we expect lots of entertainment from the animals; but in reality-they mostly just sit around and stare back at us. Or, in the winter, they hide out in their shelters. No matter...it was a good time. I saw my new favorite animal; a red panda.


These guys look like cartoon animals and make the cutest sounds ever.

I also saw the most disgusting thing I have ever seen...and I have some nasty friends so that is saying alot. We were in the Primate Pagoda (or some other stupid alliteration) checking out the apes and there was this gorilla there who's name was Jim. He looked alot like this:


Without the carrot. See, he didnt need a carrot becuase he was eating his own vomit.

Yeah, nice....see-food salad.

I thought he was eating his poop but one of the Anthro students there watching him said that he had just thrown up. He spent a couple minutes muching away and then sat back. I was staring at him thinking, damn you Charles Darwin, when the ape leans over, throws up and starts eating...again! Gross! He finished up and did it a third time, looking very content I might add. Now, before you bring up the whole cow/cud thing, let me point out that a gorilla is not a ruminant, which are cud chewing mammals. Jim was just bored and had nothing better to do, what with the cold temps and the foot of snow in his play yard. I can say this, i hope I am never so bored that all there is to do is eat my own vomit over and over again.

Speaking of eating...lunchtime...

A Quick One While He's Away

Here is a nifty little thing from Zefrank

Soon both Q and myself will have exciting "Porn Store Tour" and the very first "Versus: Head to Head Battle" posts. Check here and at DO NOT READ THIS for all the fun.

Also, happy new years to you all. I hope it brings joy and blah blah fill in the rest for yourself.

As for me, 07 will be the year i finally get to DC to see various family and friends and space like items. Also, a job, please lord i dont believe in...give me a job!!


peas to you
Bird

F*#^$(*&@# Snow

I like white xmas's but this is just stupid.

The last blizzard we had was kinda fun...this one stinks. I live in Centennial, what are the chances of them plowing any road near my house? If you guessed slim to none then you get to help me shovel the driveway! Congrats. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I officially detest the stupid juniper bushes near the front walk. Hate hate hate!

Sigh...i suppose it is a good thing I went to the grocery store before the snow really socked me in. Thanks for that idea Q.

I hope everyone is safe and warm.

B

Also...

Have i mentioned how cool this website is? What is that? Why yes, it is a place that I post my own stuff on. You know what is even cooler? You can post too. All ya gotta do is register and you shall be granted access...ahh...see, I knew you wanted to write stuff. I just felt like you all were thinking, "Bird, how how can i post neato little things that I want to say without having to create and maintain a super fantastical blog like yours?" Well, I am your Blog Jesus...

wait...

the point is...I like you. I like your crap and I want you to share your crap with me...

wait...

see, i just like to read your stuff. that is all I am tryin to say.

So post somethin because i asked you to and because you love me....you really really love me!

Catbird

****I have been trying to think of the other word that I had never heard but once i did, couldnt get away from...reconnoiter. Thank you 9/11 commission report!*****

Howdy Folks...

As you may have noticed I updated my photo. This one is more recent and I think that I look pretty good, but I am biased i suppose.

Stumbling across this picture made me think of the time I first heard the phrase "Catbird Seat." My friend said something like, "Oh you're in the catbird seat!" I honestly thought he was out of his mind. We had a nice long argument about whether it was a real phrase. Of course, as is usually the case, i was proven wrong and stubborn and as the heavens would have it, after the argument, i saw the phrase everywhere. Honestly, i must have read it 15 times in the next couple of weeks. What the hell is that about I wonder?

Anyway...what else can i share? Oh this...

I had an interview at this building today. Haha...good times. This video was taken last summer but sakes alive it is good stuff. Just so you dont think I am a complete jerk, no one was hurt...


Happy monday night/tuesday morning to you good people...

Blarg

This is easily the worst night I have had in 5 days at the help line. The night has moved so slow...like molasses on a cold day. I read a paragraph and notice that less than a minute has passed. Ugh. In addition, i was super sleepy today. Right at 3am i hit the wall. Just miserable.

But, all in all, it wasnt as bad as I was thinking it would be. Of course, i miss sleeping in the nice big bed with the mister, but at least I am alone here and can zoom through books and blog non-stop. Not that we are hoping this job lasts!

Speaking of books let me please recomend one I just finished tonight; Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman by Haruki Murakami I love all things Murakami but have never read his short stories. They are really very wonderful, especially "Firefly", "Chance Traveler", and "The Kidney-Shaped Stone".

The other fun bit of Bird-Fact is that I graduated from college 6 years ago today. Ahh, how bright-eyed and excited i was. Little did i know that in such a short period of time I would forsake my college career and focus on something much more important like finding that Sports Guy Article where he makes fun of Mike Shanahan.

Alright kiddos, have a wonderful weekend!

B

Stuff in the Drawer

Hey- so i switched to this new version of Blogger.com Please let me know how it is or if strange stuff comes up eh? Thanks...

*************************

I decided to spend some time looking through the desk I share here at the temp job. Looking through people's stuff is a good way to get to know someone, I figure. Sadly, my morning counterpart (Ping Wang) doesnt use the drawers so the items are from the guy who used to have my job. So...here is a list of the stuff in the drawer.

1 Butterfly ping pong paddle (in case)
1 orange Sportcraft ping pong ball
1 July 06 Xbox Magazine
1 1oz tube of Kroger Triple Antibiotic Ointment Plus Pain Relief
1 Pepsismash.com soda lid, Code: B4CXM JKMNC
1 pink nail file set, top missing and only 1 file remaining
1 Nintendo DS Metroid Prime Pinball Case with Mario Golf and New Super Mario Bros.
games inside.
1 bottle of Kroger E Blend Vitamin Dietary Suppliment, softgels stuck together into one huge lump
1 loose Nintendo DS Rumble Pak
1 loose Nintendo DS Nintendo Dogs
2 0.10oz Super Glue bottles
1 orange Hooters lanyard
1 business card for one Audrey V Cutting Specialist/Colorist/Eyebrows
1 half opened, half empty 2oz container of FX Special Effects Molding Wax
Pliable Hair Wax/Flexible hold.
1 Hoyle Playing Card, Joker
1 Conoco Gas Receipt, $21.44
1 7-11 receipt, Items Purchased: 2 20oz SoBe Green Tea @$3.58, 1 Hot Pocket Pepperoni Pizza Flavor @$3.19, 1 Stouffers Lasagna With Meat @$3.39
1 Social Secruity Card stub
1 letter from Pitney Bowes Credit Corporation

From these items i can only assume that the person before me was an unsufferable bore. He had spikey hair and bad breath. He annoyed people with video game talk, card tricks and stories about how the Lateral Crossover is the most difficult footwork technique to practice and incorporate into a ping pong game. He has most likely been a victim of "identity theft" in the last year. He has some kind of open sores and possibly a bad prostate. I would fathom that he is a guy that gets a lot of first dates and then never hears from the women again. One could go so far as to suggest that he has unopened action figures displayed on the shelves of his apartment.

I am sure he is a very nice guy though...


B

Type Type Type...Ring Ring Ring

My face is feeling better thanks. Today was almost the second worst day of my life but I was able to see the sun behind the clouds...in case you were wondering.


Today was my very last day at the library and my very first day in my new temp job. I work the 10pm-6am shift at a IT help line. Yikes....it is better then it sounds my pretties. I am all alone so that lets me think and plan and scheme and also read and blog and listen to music. Also, the work is crazy easy so that is kinda nice too. I am still hunting for other jobs of couse, one of my references says that she has received two inquiries. so that is good. Plus, who knows...i may just up and move.

While waiting for people to call i was assigned some data entry stuff. Ouch my hands hurt. Anyway, i was cutting and pasting some college information into this database and thought i would take note of strange schools. Here is a list. Enjoy!

Crum's Beauty College in Kansas
Xenon International School of Hair Design in Missouri, Kansas, and Colorado
Community College of Micronesia in/on Ponape Island
Central Minnesota Divers in Waite Park Minnesota
Acme Beauty College in Billings Montana
Franklin College of Switzerland in New York
The College of Insurance in New York
Enid School of Beauty in Enid Oklahoma (that is for my pal LLK)
Center for Degree Studies in Scranton PA
Yankton College in Yankton South Dakota
International Bus College in Lubbock Texas
Institute of Paper Chemistry in Appleton Wisconsin
Mount Scenario College in Ladysmith Wisconsin


I think my favorite is the International Bus College. Also The Center for Degree Studies, how vague eh?

Have a great weekend everyone!

B

Ouch...

It struck me today while sitting in the dentist chair;



this is easily the worst day of my life. From midnight to midnight, just miserable.

Going...going...gone

So, I walked out on my job last thursday. Yep...something i have never done before. I went into work in the morning and nearly had a panic attack. I was just so unhappy. I felt like there was no way out. Something had to be done...

So, i sat on it for a couple of hours and told my boss when i got back from lunch. I actually just quit and set it up so I can use my vacation and sick hours. My final day is December 8th. As of yet, i have no other job.

The real hunt begins tomorrow. What kills me is, i felt so strapped in. There didnt seem to be any way for me to get out of my job, until now. Now i see how i can get some part time jobs or seasonal and look for something else. Or maybe I will stumble upon something great right off the bat.

I guess the point is, i learned that things seem much worse when you are in the midst of it. And that everyone has a breaking point, when the little switch is flipped and we move into action mode.

I feel pretty happy about it all now. I feel like I can do anything I want to now. Not bound by hours and schedule and resumes.


I will write more now that I am at home and searching for a job. Shall keep you all updated on the hunt.

tweet tweet went the bird.

This evening...

...has been such a pain in the ass that I am slacking off for a few minutes so that I can blog.

Q and I went to our first city council meeting monday. I have plans for a run in 2008 but with my silly attitude during the whole thing ("Why does Goldie get all the weiners?" asks Q) i have a feeling that my initial bid is going to fail...

I am reading an excellent series called The Pirates! The book I am currently reading is called The Pirates! : In an Adventure With Scientists. Gideon Defoe is the author and I highly recommend it.

I think it is neat when someone says the absolute perfect thing even though they maybe werent trying to.


okay...enough slacking

Happy turkey day to you all...

B

Results...

So, i am kinda happy and more then a little disappointed in the state of Colorado.

I like Bill Ritter. He is a moderate Democrate who seems like a genuine person. Of course, what the hell do i know but I am encouraged by him being around.

However, the US House - District 6 race went to Tancredo who is just a nutjob. That's right Zimmerman, you heard me!

In addition, the ballot issue defining marriage passed. This one bothers me and I think it should bother everyone. I mean, whether or not you believe in gay marriage, why would you want to put a passage in the constitution that would actually limit someone's rights? It just seems wrong. Also, Ref. I that would recognize domestic partnerships didnt pass either. It just feels mean...wow, that is some sound analysis eh?

Both of the ridiculous immigration issues passed even though they are a complete waste of time since one is voluntary (Hey, raise your hand if you are employing illegal immigrants so we can fine you...chirp chirp...no one? Great! Thanks for your help) and the other is just a stupid referendum that both parties can point to and say, "Look, see...I am working to stop illegal immigration." Lame...

Minimum wage passed and that is a good thing and I am also glad that term limits for judges was shot down as well. The legalization of 1oz or less of pot lost but i dont think anyone really thought that was going to make it.

While Dems now control the US House and Senate, in colorado, marilyn musgrave is still around.

I dont know...like I said, i am happy and disappointed all in one.

At least I didnt have to wait in line for 7hours like some folks in near by douglas county.

sleepy...

B

Voting "... the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country." Ambrose Bierce

As promised...

6:45am So Sleepy...Q and I leave to go stand in line at the school...

6:56am Q mocks me...

7:01am Q and I arrive and get in line. I cant see the end which I can only assume is a bad thing. See, I am supposed to be at this fancy training class in one hour. After the class Q and I have a hockey game so...

7:05am Dumbass suit guy is trying to drop off his absentee ballot here. Q lectures me on being positive and nice. Q thinks what I am doing (taking notes) is illegal. "I think quoting me is illegal by the way..." Hmm...i suppose we shall see.

7:10am Q admits that he ditches most of the morning on election day. That's America Baby! "I never said I ditched, I simply recommended a solution to other slackers," he writes in very nice penmanship.

7:13 Oh man, i am in the short line!

7:16am...and I'm done. That is record time! I only got hung up on one question. Recall deadlines....

7:20am Waiting for Q. Nothing makes you feel more patriotic on voting day then listening to some womans cell phone blare "Under the Sea" from The Little Mermaid.

7:26am Q screams, precinct 311 in the Hiz-Ouse!

7:30am I am off to work...


******

Not to exciting but what can you say, voting in america is easy compared to other countries. Hope yours went well too...

Tomorrow, Election Results!!

B

Voting Day

Oh i love voting! I like going behind the curtain and pushing the buttons and getting my sticker and all things civic minded in general. Once my voting place was at a fire station. That was cool because the alarm went off when i was there waiting in line. Plus, the firefighter guys were kinda helping out and everyone knew what was going on. Other then that, i have voted only at old folks homes. No offense to the elderly but, come on people! If you cant remember if you turned off the stove or what your children's names are then should you be allowed to determine if this is, in fact, my polling place and what happens when the machine shuts off when i am voting? I mean, do i get a do over or what?

Anyway, i am voting at an elementary school tomorrow. A first for me. With such a huge ballot this time here in Colorado, it should make for an interesting voting experience. At least, that is what I am banking on because I plan to run through my voting experience diary like (mostly as a homage to Sarah Vowell whom i have been reading a mess load of lately.).

Let me know how your voting experience was! I want stories people!

peas...
B

Pseudoephedrine

Has anyone been to the drugstore lately? I have....there was the trip to pick up various cold prevention items for my man Q and when that didnt work there was a trip to pick up various coffee and medication items. Now, seeing as Q has a bit of sinus pressure it seemed wise to take the time to go to the pharmacy counter and pick up the heavy duty stuff with pseudoephedrine, yes my friends, I am that good.

Anyway, months upon months ago i had my first, "What, this medication is located where?" when i tried to buy meds after 7:30pm (gasp!). Anyway, i choose my poison and walk up to the window only to see the nice pharmacy guy pull out a huge binder from behind the counter. As an aside I want to point out that he wasnt wearing a white lab coat thingy. This is an important aside because I always thought it was bs for these guys to be wearing lab coats around like they are actually back there creating the drug instead of just counting the number of pills and sliding them into a plastic cup. But, i digress...

So in this binder is the pseudoephedrine log sheet. Yeah, that's right. A tally of all the folks who have walked in and needed to buy something for the sniffles. I have to produce a picture id even ("Colorado I hope..." he says to me). So he takes my DL number, my name, what kind and how much medication I am purchasing. To this guys credit, he is very nice and even puts up with my snide, ohh I am gonna make so much meth, comments. I have to print and sign the sheet as well as provide an address. Well, you know I am going to make it up just like Q always gives a fake phone number to the cashier at the mall when you buy shoes. Problem is, phone numbers are relatively easy to fake, all you really have to avoid is 867-5309; addresses however, that's a different story. And so to avoid writing 123 Pine Street, Your Town, CO 80210, I write the first one that comes into my head...1000 Chopper Cir. Denver, CO 80204. Oopsy.

Well, anyway, it worked out because i got a nice latte after ward which, even later i spilled on my shirt so now i smell like autumn in Connecticut. I think I had a point here...but maybe not.

Random Thoughts on this, most special, Halloweeny...

Nothing will spoil your halloween like having to work until 8pm. 

 

It smells like chicken in here.

 

 

 

 

****
~I know this is going to surprise you but...there isnt a whole lot going on at the library at 7:24pm on Halloween night.

~I just proposed making up a haunted library ghost story and one of my shelvers looks at me and says...."noooooo!!!" Like there is something wrong with me. Is there something wrong with me?

~Headlines from the website...
"Twin Gorillas Celebrate Their Birthday in Atlanta"

"Truck spills 2 tons of pig heads on road"

~German jokes are long and funny and strange

~Momma's boys stink...that's right you heard me...

~i am eating the cutest piece of candy ever!!

~I am in some kind of rift where time is actually moving backward. If you can read this, you should come to the library and get me.

~lord, there isnt anything to even talk about, that is how little is going on.


okay fine. i will leave...i hope you and yours have a happy happy halloween!

peace...

B

FARC!

No no...not the Armed Forces of Colombia.

Thats a big farc for my job search. But lets not dwell on that eh? Instead lets dwell on stuff like...

how cool are humans man? I mean...someone figured out how to get a hunk a junk like that into fucking space! SPACE!!!

Also...

the beatles....music. I mean really, how genius were the beatles.

And...

Hockey! Thanks Canada!

Of Course...


Lets see...what else can make us forget about the soul sucking task of looking for a job...oh i know...



K is going to see ovenchicken tonight.
His nickname not mine but pretty clever really, so clever you would think that I had said it...













Others are going to see the Detroit Cobras



Others still will be looking for jobs and to you all i wish good good luck and can only suggest...




word...tweeted the bird

Balloon Fiesta

So, I missed the balloon fiesta again! Sadly, two weeks out of work prevented me from going. Bummer....someday I will get there.

Anyway, here are two photos from the Balloon Fiesta Website:








Sigh...next year


B

"I wish to Christ that all of a sudden winter would come" Bill Koontz

A random quote that I came upon today...how fitting.

So, work for me today was wonderful. I dont know if it was the first snow or the fact that i got a strange compliment or the coffee that I had this morning.

Even though work was good i am more excited about going home-watching some voltron and drinking some tea....however, getting home may be an adventure in itself.

Keep warm and drive safe

B

Testing Testing

I made some changes to the settings on the old blog-o-rama so I am just testing them out.

Briefly let me say a couple of things...

1. the city and county of denver was at one point planning an arts and cafts fair. It was my goal to lie to these people...telling them that I was part of the loverly Curios Candles folks. While yes, they are friends, i do nothing but buy from them (as an aside...buy from these ladies. They are the best candles ever because they actually make them by hand with care...making sure that they dont burn all stupid). Anyway, we go to this meeting and i swear i thought i would jab myself in the eyes half way through. Instead of just telling people how it was going to be the lady was like, "what do you think?" Which, honestly-dont ask people that because i am 99% sure what they think is stupid. And, true to form the quilters were like...can we set the date for August 2015 so I can make a bunch-a quilts? And the people who, I am sure, make those scary ass clown masks were like...can I get half a table and pay half-maybe get 1/3 of a table because you know-masks and stuff sell so well. It was horrible and lead to the people saying...ummm yeah we will get back to you about the craft fair. It will never happen and there is government for you. How can we run a goddamn city if we cant even run a craft fair?

2. After the last preseason game the local NBC station was asking Nick Ferguson if he was excited to get the season started. He said something to the equivalent of "It is time to put on the teflon jacket and get out there!" At the time I thought it was just him flubbing the word kevlar. I mean...teflon? that makes no sense; unless he was talking about nothing sticking to teflon so if you were making a tackle you would just slide right off. I told my Broncos loving brother about it and he pointed out the 50 Cent lyric..

"I'm on the teflon vest shit
that wild wild west shit
81 1 carat stones on my necklace."

So, maybe I am the jackass for not getting it straight....curiouser and curiouser

3. All my fantasy-sports dreams are coming true! No wait...i am sorry I have that wrong. In week four I was booted out of the Flatirons Survival League. My fantasy football team, the solid muldoons, started a quarterback with a bye this week, and hockey...well, it is too early to tell but I am nervous.

4. I should, at this point, either finish looking for jobs or go to bed!

best to you all

B

Go To College Young Man...

All your life you are taught that the goal is a four year degree at some sort of college or university. In school it is pushed into your brain...your grades your grades. You will never get into college with those grades. Then, your senior year you get together with all your other little college bound pals and start visiting campuses. You write letters and fill out forms and in some cases, audition, and finally you get a letter that says yes, yes we want you. So you go. You move. You spend at least one semester fucking off. Then it sinks in...oh lord the future. You will never get a good job without a good gpa!

I went to college. I have two degrees. I wrote an undergraduate thesis. I spent months away from friends working in the mountains so i could get a job in my field. I gave up vacations and sitting around on the front porch hanging out and drinking beer. I gave up cushy jobs at the music library, messing around with boys i had crushes on so I could tromp around the mountains looking for old shit.

I get a good gpa, i get good references, i get good scholarships while there. I make pals and have a good time.

I graduate and get a job in my field. I think I am lucky. I get greedy and want more. I want to be out in the mountains again. Looking for stuff not just mapping it in an office downtown. I leave and think, I am lucky again. I get what I want.

I spend months researching and writing about stuff I dont care about just so I can get to the good stuff. I travel to neighboring states, risking relationships and friends, do my work and finally get to the good stuff. Then, when I get there....it isnt so good. It is hard and it is miserable at times. I drink too much and risk more relationships. I look around and see that everyone who is here with me, they are all trapped and all feel the same way. These relationships we all form...they are all the same-all over the nation-a group of people trapped and unhappy and looked upon as modern day indiana jones'.

So i think, i need to get out. I knock my self down because all these skills get me no where. Like the last 10 years were a waste of my time. After a couple of months I feel lucky again. Thinking i found something i can do while i sort out the future. But that isnt the case at all. Three months I find out that this wont work either. That i am too bored. I am too skilled even though no other employer would think so. Am I better off then when I was drinking too much and unhappy? So i start again. Looking again.

A visitor gives me a momentary burst of energy, happiness. I think, yes yes I am lucky. The world is before me and i can choose from any of these things. But then, reality sets in and while i feel like I can choose these people, the people looking over my cv, see someone who is too qualified, who isnt qualified enough, who is asking too much money.

So here i sit...a decade after graduating thinking to myself...all those student loans, those nice memories...are they worth it? I am just as lost as that freshman in highschool, that sophmore in college who has to finally choose his major, that senior who just graduated and is thrust into the workforce.

The flowers and rainbows of "what do you want to do when you grow up? What is your dream job? Find what you like and go for it!" All that shit is gone.

I just want to work, be appreciated and treated with respect and not have to give up relationships, beers on fridays, vacations to geeky places that i like, and some fucking security.



go to college? maybe that's the key...grad school...


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